Want help handling new half sibling mess

[Ulysses]

ExNPD/BPDh and new wifey had a baby.  I have tried to speak casually to my kids abt their experience per D's therapist suggestion over the last 6 months.  Kids won't talk.  I'll keep trying.  I know I might not sound casual around my kids about this subject.

ExH wanted to trade around xmas schedule so kids could see the new baby.  it wasn't in my best interest but I said yes because I felt it was best for the children.  Found texts on my D phone.  The wife was texting D8 about the birth as it was happening.  Nothing too graphic but eww.  She's 8, it's not necessary.  D has been highly emotional, regressing.  I finally figured it was probably because of the birth.  Anyway she comes home from meeting the baby and cries over nothing.  I am having a very hard time and am angry at myself for agreeing to let them see the baby during my xmas time.  I am having a hard time with this and am letting it ruin my xmas time.  I need to think about this differently and can't see my way to a positive place in the moment.  Please don't respond with something abt how great babies are.  I only see sickness and manipulation in this situation.  It makes me sick.  There are many things I'm not including here that have happened over the last 9 months.

[ambivalentmom]

Good Afternoon,
     I read a few of your previous posts and can relate to the ex trying to appear normal, while being a manipulative loser.  You're probably exhausted because of having to fight, you can't be sure of what is happening exactly, and you feel helpless for your daughter.  He probably told D8 that the new baby would be missing her terribly (which is stupid cause the baby was just born), but if D8 hadn't gone for Christmas he would be telling her some junk about how you were ruining this very important and unique experience for D8.  It's all bull, but you maintaining casual/positive dialog is very important.  It is expected for her to miss them if she doesn't see them that often and want to talk about it and cry it out.  You want to be supportive of anything she is feeling, so she can talk to you about anything.  You support her manipulated feelings, then you support her when she starts to realize she's being manipulated.  If you can, build a support network of parents of kids the same age and communicate with D's therapist, so you can talk about which behaviors should be normal for her.  Most kids of divorce don't want to talk a lot about the other parent's house, so I'm not sure what the therapist was thinking about on that one.  I keep it vague and try not to ask too many questions (just about the Pokémon she caught).  When she offers information, I answer with the assumption that I am not surprised by this and it was supposed to happen.  That's the hardest part.  When she tells me a funny story about the times they Pokémon hunt at 2am, or that fun trip to NY (that is a different state and I knew nothing about), or about the new kittens they got to replace the other ones that "ran away," or how she wasn't supposed to tell me about certain things because her dad said I would punish her.  I gave real examples because I want you to know that I know how hard it can be and how these things are just the tip of the iceberg.  I believe you had an extremely difficult time dealing with him when you say there are many things you haven't included.

I did read that your S13 is starting to notice what's really going on and I'm very glad for that.  I hope that encourages you to continue being an awesome mom for the both of them.  My D14 keeps falling off and getting back on the wagon, so I'm hopeful, but still waiting. 

If anything else, focus on a good support network for yourself and your own therapist if you haven't yet.  Even just a friend to laugh at his emails with you and say, "what a loser" might help some of the stress.  Once a friend asked if I could get my ex to pickup something from Sam's Club for him (since we don't have one near our town).  I just found it hilarious because I imagine all the anxiety and fear I have, all the lies, his false accusations, the PA on D14, and I just walk up and say, "Hey, would you mind picking me up a case of Sprite," with no preface to any of the hostility over the past 5 years.  It still makes me smile to think about.  That's what friends are for.   

P.S.  I hope you don't mind the slightly more vulgar and hard assumptions I put in (I just thought it might distress the situation a bit)