New member - alone and scared

[Lonely123]

Hi I'm new here and My friend of 13 years has BPD. We live together but to be completely honest I regret that decision. This makes me feel terrible. Long story short... .usually he's amazing but the rest of the time he gets mad over tiny things. Then he shouts at me and overpowers anything ibtry to say. We argued today over something tiny and stupid. I feel crap because I know i should have just backed down but I got sick of having to just give in. He shouted a lot and i got mad. Now I feel stupid, childish, pathetic and like he would be better off without me. Any advice how I can be less crap? I try to be supportive. When he is in hospital I visit daily for hours. And when he's at home I try not to trigger him. But I'm just useless and getting fed up of walking on eggshells.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi Lonely123,

Having a backbone is important in a BPD relationship, not just for you, for them too. The emotional vulnerability that swings moods from here to there feels chaotic and out of control, and having a boundary can buffer some of that, and decrease the spiral where they feel bad about their behavior.

What is he in the hospital for? Does he know he is BPD?

What are some of the triggers?

[Lonely123]

yes he is aware.

Where boundaries are concerned, I guess the problem is I dont know what part of him is explained by the illness and what is him.
I want to tell him that i wont accept him shouting at me but if he cant help it that seems unfair

[Lonely123]

He was in hospital for attempted suicide and where triggers are concerned its any disagreement

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Lonely123:    

Communicating with someone with BPD can be challenging.  I'm sorry you had an argument today and feel bad about it.  The fact that he has a history with suicide attempts, must really make you feel you are walking on egg shells. The thread at the link below should be helpful for you to read:

SUICIDE IDEATION IN OTHERS
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79032.0;all

The only thing you have control over is how you interact with and react to a person with BPD.
It  can take some time to feel confident with some of the communication skills, but you will likely find it worth while.  

Click on the links below to get to some of the basic communication tools that can be helpful:

VALIDATION

VALIDATION - DON'T INVALIDATE

SET

WISE MIND

AVOIDING CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS

Validation can be comforting to a person with BPD (pwBPD).  Validation doesn't mean that you agree with them on something.  It just means that you acknowledge their feelings.  You don't want to validate the invalid.  Sometimes, it can just be a matter of not being invalidating.

Give some of the communication skills a try and let us know how it goes.