What positives have come from your relationship?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello everyone, I hope you all had a gentle holiday.

After more than a year of on off, I think this may actually be the end for me and ex. We were both alone for Christmas, and both of us preferred that to getting in touch with the other so that's pretty significant I think.

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about it all, of course, and one of the things that I realised is that, should I ever meet someone else (seems impossible but never say never!), I think I'll be a much better partner than I've ever been in my life, as a direct result of my experiences with my ex.

Before I met her, I was pretty selfish in relationships and easily lied or didn't quite tell the truth, put my own needs first and didn't know when to let go.  And then I met ex and fell completely in love.

Unfortunately when we met I was still in old habits and as we were both with someone else, there was a time of lies and infidelity from us both. Plus, early on in our relationship, I told her about my past. (I'd never had an affair before but I had stayed with partners I didn't love for far longer than I should have, and not been honest about my feelings)  The result of this is that she, who has fundamental problems with trust anyway, has never, and almost certainly will never trust me. Which is the basis for her continual accusations of infidelity and lying.

 But you know what? For the past 18 months I have been entirely honest, entirely trustworthy  and entirely committed to her, her wellbeing and doing my absolute best for another human being who I love and want to support despite her many many abuses of me. I have bent over backwards to accommodate her needs and desires. I have done my best. I know I have.

And so it doesn't matter that she thinks I'm a cheating lying scumbag (the most recent term of endearment). It doesn't matter that she says I'm an abuser who is never there for her. I know I'm not. I know I've tried my best. That isn't to say I've got it right. Far far far from it. I have lost control and I have said and done things that have made things much worse. But I'm going to forgive myself for those errors, because they came as a result of the intolerable stress of being told that black is white and I'm this that and the other when I know I'm not. Over and over and over. It doesn't excuse them but it does explain them. For a while I lost myself in the madness of it all. But even then I was trying my best to be a good partner to someone who would never allow it.

And  I'm not lost now. And in fact, I'm a better version of myself. In trying to prove myself to someone who was never going to accept me, I have proved myself to me. I know that I am capable of loyalty and honesty and commitment.  I know that I am tenacious and resilient. I know I am generous of spirit and forgiving. I know I'm not very good at boundaries and I still don't know when to let go. But at least I'm starting to recognise that now. And if I manage to let go of the love of my life while I still love her, well, that will be a big deal.

And so, the conclusion I've come to is that I've learned a lot and have the potential to be a better partner. It is the saddest thing that ex can't see this, but she can't. But i believe it is still true even so. And I hope that one day I'll meet someone who I will wan to be a good partner to. Actually, that's not true. I hope that one day ex will realise... .But given that's unlikely, i guess I'll go for the meeting someone else eventually.

So my question is, what positives have come from your involvement with a person with BPD?

[La Carotte]

Hello everyone, I hope you all had a gentle holiday.

After more than a year of on off, I think this may actually be the end for me and ex. We were both alone for Christmas, and both of us preferred that to getting in touch with the other so that's pretty significant I think.

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about it all, of course, and one of the things that I realised is that, should I ever meet someone else (seems impossible but never say never!), I think I'll be a much better partner than I've ever been in my life, as a direct result of my experiences with my ex.

Before I met her, I was pretty selfish in relationships and easily lied or didn't quite tell the truth, put my own needs first and didn't know when to let go.  And then I met ex and fell completely in love.

Unfortunately when we met I was still in old habits and as we were both with someone else, there was a time of lies and infidelity from us both. Plus, early on in our relationship, I told her about my past. (I'd never had an affair before but I had stayed with partners I didn't love for far longer than I should have, and not been honest about my feelings)  The result of this is that she, who has fundamental problems with trust anyway, has never, and almost certainly will never trust me. Which is the basis for her continual accusations of infidelity and lying.

 But you know what? For the past 18 months I have been entirely honest, entirely trustworthy  and entirely committed to her, her wellbeing and doing my absolute best for another human being who I love and want to support despite her many many abuses of me. I have bent over backwards to accommodate her needs and desires. I have done my best. I know I have.

And so it doesn't matter that she thinks I'm a cheating lying scumbag (the most recent term of endearment). It doesn't matter that she says I'm an abuser who is never there for her. I know I'm not. I know I've tried my best. That isn't to say I've got it right. Far far far from it. I have lost control and I have said and done things that have made things much worse. But I'm going to forgive myself for those errors, because they came as a result of the intolerable stress of being told that black is white and I'm this that and the other when I know I'm not. Over and over and over. It doesn't excuse them but it does explain them. For a while I lost myself in the madness of it all. But even then I was trying my best to be a good partner to someone who would never allow it.

And  I'm not lost now. And in fact, I'm a better version of myself. In trying to prove myself to someone who was never going to accept me, I have proved myself to me. I know that I am capable of loyalty and honesty and commitment.  I know that I am tenacious and resilient. I know I am generous of spirit and forgiving. I know I'm not very good at boundaries and I still don't know when to let go. But at least I'm starting to recognise that now. And if I manage to let go of the love of my life while I still love her, well, that will be a big deal.

And so, the conclusion I've come to is that I've learned a lot and have the potential to be a better partner. It is the saddest thing that ex can't see this, but she can't. But i believe it is still true even so. And I hope that one day I'll meet someone who I will wan to be a good partner to. Actually, that's not true. I hope that one day ex will realise... .But given that's unlikely, i guess I'll go for the meeting someone else eventually.

So my question is, what positives have come from your involvement with a person with BPD?

[GlennT]

I'd like to say she was my greatest gift brilliantly disguised as my worst nightmare. I consider the ending of a relationship with a BPD as a lucky escape. Of course there will be some  PTSD residual effects, much like being a prisoner of war. First, they really know how to set the stage adoring us, putting no one else above us, building a magical, wonderful, fun, kingdom of love, and amusement around us. Later, they rip the rug out from under us, and we are exposed to the "real them".  A roller-coaster of hurt, negativity, and confusion, ensues. I managed to split, but it took me months to recover to a point where I was "sane" again. I'll never know the full extent of her deceptions, but it doesn't matter now. All I need to know is she's rotten to the core. It was nothing personal to me, I was just another faceless victim to her, and probably right now she is working at least two guys the same way she did me. In a way, these people are a route to our self-development (if you get out with your sanity). They expose us to so much pain, and parts of ourselves we lock away, that we come out the other side a lot stronger, wiser, and more fully-rounded individuals. Women's games bounce off me now, it's like dealing with children. In a way, it's almost endearing to meet a disrespectful, flakey, woman, because compared to a BPD Psychopath, they are sweet little kittens of love. I'm much more honest, and emotionally open to women now, but at the same time, emotionally armoured-plated, and genuinely masculine. Everyday I absorbed information on this board. It was the only comfort I had, almost like a teddy-bear to hold, while I dealt with the intense pain. To read and relate and educate ourselves in forums like this is very important, and I return here every now and then to try to help others, and say Thank-You.

[La Carotte]

Hi Glenn
I feel very differently than you about my ex- I believe she is doing the best she can and is a decent person whose life is blighted by her mental health issues. But nonetheless, the end result is that we cannot carry on in this toxic relationship, which is harmful to us both. And  I do agree that being exposed to so much pain, and trying so hard to understand another person, and myself, has exposed me to bits of me that I wasn't ready to face up to before, and I hope that eventually I'll be wiser and more fully rounded... .it's very much a work in progress!
And I also agree about this site and the comfort and support it offers us all, and like you, I want to say thank you.
LaC

[jasmine-1234]

Thanks for starting this topic. I have been pondering it too, as there must be some positives that came out of the relationship.  We can keep the things we've learned and try to heal from the rest.

Some things I think were positive are

1.  Express your love for someone you care about more freely.
It used to take me forever to commit to someone, tell them I love them, and how I feel about them.  this was never a problem for my ex... .maybe we can learn a bit more about expressing positive emotions to the people we love.

2. Creating healthy boundaries for myself.
The relationship with my ex really pointed out that I don't have good healthy boundaries for myself.  Part of it is low self esteem/ depression, but also I didn't know what I wanted for myself in general.  It really pushed me to understand what I want out of life and stick up for what I want and don't want for myself.

3.  Relationships are constant work.
I thought I'd reached the end of the magical rainbow and that everything was going to be perfect. I guess it was a harsh reality, but everything in life takes constant work and many things change over time.  I want to try to go into relationships more truthfully, and try to pick up on early "warning" signs earlier. Too often I glazed over issues because I was "blinded by love".  I'm so logical with every other aspect of life. I need to get more rational with the people I am involved with.

4.  Working on myself
Feeling more ok being alone.  Meditation. Stop using addictions to soothe myself.  Working on yourself is hard work, but it's worth it, because at the end of the day we all only really live with ourselves, our own minds and emotions. 

Any others?

[K.G.]

My BPD ex was extremely critical; don't get me wrong, constant criticism is not a good thing. However, I often sat and self-reflected and sometimes I would feel he had a point about me. I cannot speak about other people, but my ex had no boundaries in what he would or would not comment on (perhaps like a child who has yet to learn what is appropriate and what is not)... .and sometimes I wonder whether it is actually a good thing to not have any boundaries in criticising? However, the difficulty with my ex is he did not realise when he was being offensive (maybe this goes more to the manner of the criticism rather than the substance). And on top of that, even where you 'fix yourself' - there is no recognition of the remedy and there is always something else wrong... .

[La Carotte]

I agree, jasmine. I'm glad that I'm at least starting to recognise the need for healthy boundaries and also to start thinking about what is actually important to me in my life - and then to work for those things, rather than allow myself to be distracted by addictions. It has been much easier for me in some ways to spend my time focussing on my ex and the dramas of the relationship than facing up to what I want, and what I am prepared to do to achieve what I want... .Not entirely sure what I do want, but I'm getting more of an idea, and am definitely getting more certain about what I do not want - and am more determined not to have those things any more, no matter how hard it is to let the person doing them go.

K.G. - your final sentence made me smile. Yes, there is always something else wrong, eh? But, like you, I have often self reflected on what my ex says about me, and if there's a grain of truth in it, have made efforts to improve whatever I felt needed changing. I think this has led to me making some really positive changes in my lifestyle and in my being, which I'm happy about.  Ex of course, says I never self reflect and never accept responsibility for anything - but this isn't any more true than most of the negative things she believes about me... .

[bus boy]

The positive I got out of my emotionally abusive, belittling, dehumanizing r/s with xw was s10, and I was able to look at my self to make me a better person, I am able recognize abuse, I am positive I will never let my self get involved with an abusive person again. And of course xw is gone from my life, major bonus.

[Duped 1]

Not a lot of positives after being abused by a predator like this that has no remorse and brought me to the edge of considering suicide. I would be able to see it coming in the future and recognize the red flags.

[Pretty Woman]

I learned how unhealthy a lot of relationships in my life were. In 2016 I let go of about six people in my life that were emotionally abusive and controlling, two being immediate family.

The immediate family was very hard because there is genuine love there on my part. I would not be here without them so I truly appreciate that but I also know being around them errodes my self esteem and they play the whole push-pull game constantly. I deserve better.

I've also been able to spot people with issues much quicker than I could before. When people tell me their life story within minutes of meeting them, and they are the "victim" in the story, I keep them at arms length. I don't allow myself to get sucked into their drama.