Do I detach or try to mend fences?

[Parents! Get help here!]

My 56 year old daughter is not speaking to me again.  This happens about twice a year.  I have seen a therapist.  She recommended I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  I'm quite sure my daughter is BPD.  She and I are alone in the world.  We live in the same city, but not together. I worry about her because she has other health issues---not many friends.  In the past, I have been the one to call her and try to get our relationship back on track.  This isn't working, because the pattern persists. I have a lot of friends who are supportive, but they don't understand and they are disgusted with her for treating me badly (ignoring me). I'm trying to stay strong and believe that I have done nothing wrong, but I am really wavering and need some support. 
By the way, she is a PHD clinical psychologist, so she doesn't see this in herself!
I would appreciate any advice or help anyone can offer,.  Thanks!

[Billydawn4]

My 56 year old daughter is not speaking to me again.  This happens about twice a year.  I have seen a therapist.  She recommended I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  I'm quite sure my daughter is BPD.  She and I are alone in the world.  We live in the same city, but not together. I worry about her because she has other health issues---not many friends.  In the past, I have been the one to call her and try to get our relationship back on track.  This isn't working, because the pattern persists. I have a lot of friends who are supportive, but they don't understand and they are disgusted with her for treating me badly (ignoring me). I'm trying to stay strong and believe that I have done nothing wrong, but I am really wavering and need some support. 
By the way, she is a PHD clinical psychologist, so she doesn't see this in herself!
I would appreciate any advice or help anyone can offer,.  Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

Hi Billydawn4,



I'm sorry to hear that. I think to work in the field of psychology you need self awareness. It's possible that sh may be aware but it has to feel lonely when your friends are quick to judge your D.

It helps to read as much as you can about BPD, you'll quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time, there's a reason why she behaves the way that she does.

You mention that there a pattern, how long does she usually do this push behavior with you?

[Billydawn4]

Hi Billydawn4,



I'm sorry to hear that. I think to work in the field of psychology you need self awareness. It's possible that sh may be aware but it has to feel lonely when your friends are quick to judge your D.

It helps to read as much as you can about BPD, you'll quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time, there's a reason why she behaves the way that she does.

You mention that there a pattern, how long does she usually do this push behavior with you?

[Billydawn4]

About every 6 months she gets angry with me for no apparent reason.  she doesn't speak to me until I make the first gesture.  This time she hasn't spoken to me for 6 weeks.  She even ignored my 84th birthday.  I received one angry e mail, basically accusing me of not loving her.  I had sent her an e mail, saying that if I didn't hear something from her I would call for a wellness check.  I was very worried about her. We never argue.  She just cuts me out when she gets mad.   sometimes I think I know why and other times I have no idea why she is so upset.

[Mutt]

Your thread title ":)o I detach or try to mend fences?" suggests one of two choices. How about choosing both choices? Learn to depersonalize the behavior and learn communication techniques to improve r/s's?

[Billydawn4]

Hi Billydawn4,



I'm sorry to hear that. I think to work in the field of psychology you need self awareness. It's possible that sh may be aware but it has to feel lonely when your friends are quick to judge your D.

It helps to read as much as you can about BPD, you'll quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time, there's a reason why she behaves the way that she does.

You mention that there a pattern, how long does she usually do this push behavior with you?

[Billydawn4]

Hi Billydawn4,

*welcome*

I'm sorry to hear that. I think to work in the field of psychology you need self awareness. It's possible that sh may be aware but it has to feel lonely when your friends are quick to judge your D.

It helps to read as much as you can about BPD, you'll quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time, there's a reason why she behaves the way that she does.

You mention that there a pattern, how long does she usually do this push behavior with you?

[Billydawn4]

Actually, my friends have been very supportive of her and even helping her---running errands, driving her to appointments, helping her move.  They have never criticized her to her face.  I have read "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  I re-read certain chapters over and over.  It is helpful, but I still feel nervous about her welfare.  I also have seen a therapist and she gave me some good tips.  I guess what I really need is support from someone who is going through the same thing with their adult child.
Thank you, so much, for your suggestions.

[wendydarling]

Hello Billydawn4

I wanted to pop by and say hello to you and welcome   I'm not going through the same with my adult daughter (28) who lives at home, being cut off twice a year (yet?). What I do relate to is you and your daughter do not argue, my daughter is a 'quiet pwBPD', she internalises and I work daily keeping communication, to help her stay with us in the present while she is helping herself through DBT and her struggles.

You ask do I detach or try to mend fences? Is there a third way, a new way you can explore with your T?

WDx

[Billydawn4]

Hello Billydawn4

I wanted to pop by and say hello to you and welcome   I'm not going through the same with my adult daughter (28) who lives at home, being cut off twice a year (yet?). What I do relate to is you and your daughter do not argue, my daughter is a 'quiet pwBPD', she internalises and I work daily keeping communication, to help her stay with us in the present while she is helping herself through DBT and her struggles.

You ask do I detach or try to mend fences? Is there a third way, a new way you can explore with your T?

WDx

[Billydawn4]

Thanks for your sharing and warm welcome.  I'm going to take your  suggestion and explore a third option.  Another member had a similar thought, (i.e.
have communication while remaining detached mentally).

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders