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[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello everyone!
I am so happy to find this board. I am trying to divorce my husband that I highly suspect has NPD. At least our couple therapist diagnosed him as such before "fire" him since he threatened her.
I have two wonderful kids with him 7 and 10. He has been refusing the leave the house since May. We live in a rented place, so need to survive like that until the end of April.
I learned a lot lately about how the legal system here does not have the tools to deal with NPD. He lies, and impress everyone with his lies. I learned that he will
1.   Get overnights with the kids unless he will physically bruise them. Otherwise, physical or emotional abuse that does not leave scares is insignificant according to the law and almost impossible to be proved.
2.   It does not matter what he did in the past. The court/ mediator care only about the future and if he will not monumentally fail (physically abusing the kids or fails the interlocutors device), he will get 50% custody in court.
3.   The fact that he spends less than 10% caring for the kids does not mean anything. The judge/ mediator objective is to let him get 50%, rather he proving himself as capable for more before giving him the kids.
4.   The fact that he does not pay for anything (we still live together but he refuses to pay the rent, utilities, kids expanses) does not mean anything.
5.   Despite 20 years of daily drinking and 2 DUIs in the last 5 months, as long as his interlocutor test is negative, he is considered fixed. It is not illegal to drink when he cares for the kids as long as he is not driving.

I am totally deflated from this situation and at lose of how to protect my kids from his emotional abuse.

I am conflicted if to continue to fight for 30/70 so I can protect them, or just give up since he will get 50/50 anyhow. I cannot afford the lawyer I have and fight a system that does not care of the kids until they are bruised physically. The kids see a therapist but get frustrated when they use her strategies to deal with him and he ignores them.

Any advice will help!

Free again 2017

[Freeagain2017]

Hello everyone!
I am so happy to find this board. I am trying to divorce my husband that I highly suspect has NPD. At least our couple therapist diagnosed him as such before "fire" him since he threatened her.
I have two wonderful kids with him 7 and 10. He has been refusing the leave the house since May. We live in a rented place, so need to survive like that until the end of April.
I learned a lot lately about how the legal system here does not have the tools to deal with NPD. He lies, and impress everyone with his lies. I learned that he will
1.   Get overnights with the kids unless he will physically bruise them. Otherwise, physical or emotional abuse that does not leave scares is insignificant according to the law and almost impossible to be proved.
2.   It does not matter what he did in the past. The court/ mediator care only about the future and if he will not monumentally fail (physically abusing the kids or fails the interlocutors device), he will get 50% custody in court.
3.   The fact that he spends less than 10% caring for the kids does not mean anything. The judge/ mediator objective is to let him get 50%, rather he proving himself as capable for more before giving him the kids.
4.   The fact that he does not pay for anything (we still live together but he refuses to pay the rent, utilities, kids expanses) does not mean anything.
5.   Despite 20 years of daily drinking and 2 DUIs in the last 5 months, as long as his interlocutor test is negative, he is considered fixed. It is not illegal to drink when he cares for the kids as long as he is not driving.

I am totally deflated from this situation and at lose of how to protect my kids from his emotional abuse.

I am conflicted if to continue to fight for 30/70 so I can protect them, or just give up since he will get 50/50 anyhow. I cannot afford the lawyer I have and fight a system that does not care of the kids until they are bruised physically. The kids see a therapist but get frustrated when they use her strategies to deal with him and he ignores them.

Any advice will help!

Free again 2017

[hope2727]

I am so sorry you are enduring all this. I can only imagine how brutally hard it is on you. Please don't give up. I have faith in how strong you are. There are many amazing people and lessons to be learned here. I don't have any magical advice for you but I did want you to know that you are not alone.

There are lessons listed at the right hand side of the page worth reading. They may help you manage conflict int he meanwhile. There is an excellent parenting and legal advice board. Don't give up. We are her and we understand. I wish I had more energy tonight to say something inspiring but I really don't. I just wanted to write so that you knew someone was out there.

hugs.   

[Freeagain2017]

Thank you, hope2727.
I hope your rest of the holiday went smoothly.

[ForeverDad]

Were the kids with him when he got his DUI's?  If so, that's serious and merits family court's attention.

In my area incidents within the past 6 months can be used, older than that and it's considered "stale" and not actionable except perhaps to establish behavior patterns.

Understand that though you live in a state or area when they encourage 50/50 parenting time, in time he is likely to palm the kids off onto you more and more.  If you document it well in a journal or log then maybe a year or two later you can return to court to make the actual time official in a revised order.

Does he work?  If you earn more than him, is he seeking 50% time to be oppositional or is he hoping to get some child support?

[Freeagain2017]

Thank you for all the good questions!

The kids were not with him during the DUIs. They happened in July and Nov. so I guess he hopes to make them
'old' by the time of our custody hearing (June 2016). He has an interlocutor on his car since he was afraid he will be dishonorably discharge, so there is a chance he will make it sober (or at least not drinking and driving) until June.

He works now; After 12 years of being unemployed, he found a job within a month after I separated our bank accounts. I earn more than him. He asked for alimony, child support and half of my retirement plan in his filing but dropped these in later proposal.

I do hope he will not use his 50% if get it. But I am afraid he knows this is what I want most and he will not let me "win".
For him is all about the win.
He is emotionally abusing and manipulating the kids. Especially my son is very stressed abut all the things his dad does or tell him, and then tell him not to tell me about them. For example, he took the kids yesterday for overnight in hotel, he left the kids in a field near the hotel. The kids saw a snack, got scared and called me because they could not find him. He showed up after 10 minutes into our call and told them they should not have called me. He also left them during the night alone in the room, and came and checked on them several times until they fell asleep at mid-night (they are 7 and 10).
My son tells me these things but also beg me not to tell anyone I know it since he is afraid what his father will do to him. What I can do in these situations?

Thanks!
Freeagain17

Were the kids with him when he got his DUI's?  If so, that's serious and merits family court's attention.

In my area incidents within the past 6 months can be used, older than that and it's considered "stale" and not actionable except perhaps to establish behavior patterns.

Understand that though you live in a state or area when they encourage 50/50 parenting time, in time he is likely to palm the kids off onto you more and more.  If you document it well in a journal or log then maybe a year or two later you can return to court to make the actual time official in a revised order.

Does he work?  If you earn more than him, is he seeking 50% time to be oppositional or is he hoping to get some child support?

[ForeverDad]

Ask your lawyer whether the incidents can be used.  (Hey, for that matter even if not actionable no one can stop you from mentioning them in testimony.  His lawyer may object but so what?)  I don't know the law but I think the incidents 6 months before filing is what set the time frame.  Many of our cases take 1 to 2 years, what with all the delays and obstructions, so it isn't six months back from Now, it's six months back from the filing date or some other landmark.