What if it was me all along?

[catclaw]

Hey there...

I have this thought in my mind and I can't seen to get rid of it.

A few weeks ago, my brother joined one of my T sessions. I've been working on recognizing and understanding my family dynamincs with my T for almost 2 years now and the evidence of my mom having uBPD become more and more. Another thing I work on with my T is my perception of myself in combination with mental illness and making sense of my experiences from the past. I've been in and out of clinics throughout my teens for having a Dx treated that has never been confirmed. I've been struggling to get out of that treatment-treadmill for more than a decade and I've proved myself to the world around me and my head knows I'm healthy, but my heart still doesn't. Turns out, we have a family dynamic where I had to stay helpless to keep the relationship between my brother and my mother alive. As soon as I broke out of this role (finishing my degree, getting married and having my stepson live with us), my parents got divorced and my brother went NC for a year.

After the session with my T and my brother (he told his version of events from his own childhood and how we struggle to find a way of communicationg with our mom), my T said "I see the two of you as adult children of a personality disordered mother. What you describe is as close to the struggles of children of mentally ill parents as it can get".

My brother and I talked about this a lot and we both still feel the need to protect our mother from this truth and we both feel a strange urge to get rid of this thought and take back the "mental illness" card ourselves.

I developed this crippling habit of analyzing my behaviour and finding ways in which I am the one with the problem. Also, while being on this board I often find myself thinking "what if I am the one with the BPD and I'm just not seeing my part in this?"...

Did anyone of you experience the same or something similar? How did you manage to find a solution to this dilemma?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Catclaw:     

My brother and I talked about this a lot and we both still feel the need to protect our mother from this truth and we both feel a strange urge to get rid of this thought and take back the "mental illness" card ourselves.   

A label is just a label.  If your mom needs a label of "mental illness", because of a need for treatment, then the label is necessary.  If treatment isn't at issue, then you and your brother can just focus on setting boundaries and managing how you interact and react. 

I developed this crippling habit of analyzing my behavior and finding ways in which I am the one with the problem. Also, while being on this board I often find myself thinking "what if I am the one with the BPD and I'm just not seeing my part in this?". 

Can you give some examples of when you think you were the problem?  What behaviors/traits do you have that might fit those of someone with BPD?

None of us are perfect.  It is possible to have some BPD traits, without having BPD. I think many of us, to some degree, can exhibit a BPD behavior or two. It is the number of behaviors and the degree with which they are exhibited that make the difference between having BPD or not.

I'm thinking that with objective hind sight, many of us can discover that we may have contributed to dysfunctional dynamics (by nature of what we said of did in a particular situation).

[Notwendy]

Hi Catclaw-

I understand that concern. Growing up, I sometimes questioned if I did something to cause my mother to be like the is, but thinking about this rationally- I was a child- not responsible for anything like that. I also didn't want to be like her, so when I heard myself sounding like her sometimes it scared me!

It would make sense that we take on some characteristics of our parents- but that doesn't mean we have BPD. We may even have learned some of their behaviors- but considering that they were our role models- we would learn it. Still, that doesn't mean we have BPD or another disorder.

We learned some good things from them too. My mother likes the fine arts and I grew up being introduced to them. I like them too.  I recall once yelling at a sibling for not helping me clean up our area. Then I thought "Oh no, I sound like her"  but I wasn't being cruel- and moms can get irate when the kids make a mess and don't clean up. Teaching kids to clean up is a parenting skill. Not everything that my mother says or does is BPD.

A T pointed out to me that trying to be "not my mother" could be as extreme as being like her. While I could be aware of the things she does that I don't want to do, I also don't have to reject all her attributes.

One think I learned in ACA groups was that when we grow up in a dysfunctional family system, we learn behaviors that are adaptive to that system, but may be dysfunctional for us later on as adults when we are not in our FOO's and they can cause issues in our own relationships. Many of these behaviors were essential to our survival as kids- we learned to walk on eggshells, try to predict our parents' moods, be defensive about our feelings. The good news about behaviors that we learned is that we can unlearn them and learn new, functional ones.

Some of us grew up in homes with abuse and many fears- and develop tendencies towards anxiety or depression, or addictions. Some issues like co-dependency can have overlapping behaviors with BPD. But we can take responsibility for those as well- and get professional help.

Although it is scary when I see myself behaving like my mother in some ways, one way I do know that I am different from my mother is that I am willing to look at myself and she is not willing to look at herself. If she isn't feeling happy- she tends to look at something besides herself- blame some person, or situation. I try to look at the situation from all sides and address my part in it. I know this isn't a professional opinion,  but I think it is this characteristic that distinguishes someone willing and able to address an issue directly vs someone who does so with denial and projection.

Some people with BPD are willing to seek out help and have made progress. Even if you did have some BPD traits, a willingness to ask " is it me?" is probably a good sign that whatever the "label" is, it isn't beyond making progress on.

[Fie]

Hello Catclaw 

I understand your concern. 
It has also happened to me that I wondered if I had BPD just like my mum. I know I had some unhealthy behaviors in the past, so somehow my question was justified. I do not think I had it, though. As the others pointed out, we all have some BPD traits to some extend, especially if raised by BPD. One or two BPD traits does not make us BPD.
And even if you would be BPD, the good thing here is that BPD is not an illness. It's a character disorder, unlike bipolar disorder, or depression f.e. This means that we can adjust the behaviors and hence 'loose' the label.

It also has happened and still happens that I wonder if I didn't wrongly label my mum as BPD. What if I was wrong and she's perfectly healthy ?  This is sometimes really freaking me out, especially since my mother is not that heavily BPD as the mothers of some members on here... If I start thinking that way, I just think about concrete things she did, to prove to myself that I was not wrong.

I think doubting ourselves, even to the extend we think we might be BPD and our parents might be 'normal', is a result of a BPD upbringing ... .I think it could help to keep this in mind.

[catclaw]

Thank you NN, Fie and notwendy!

Well, I think my "core-problem" is that I indeed WAS diagnosed with severe mental illness and I still feel the stigma and the burden of being labled "not able to function in everyday life". Yet, I am. But then there's this insecurity of "what if they (the doctors) were right?". I know, from what I achieved in the past years and from what I am able to achieve on a daily basis that no, they were NOT right. But anyway, sometimes, I doubt this. My family dynamics don't make this any easier :/ If there hadn't been a time when I didn't function properly, maybe I'd be able to push this aside. But I have been there.

I learned to fact-check my emotions and I think this is something that makes it improbable to have a PD. My emotions may be strong, but I can introspectivle ask myself "is this really what/whom you're angry with right now?". I feel like the pwBPD in my life lack this completely and emotions = facts, no matter what and there needs to be a scapegoat. I don't need this.
I sometimes say to my DH "it's because you don't love me" and I cringe as I say it out loudly for sounding so needy and insane. I always take it back immediately. I know he does love me and I really don't need to be weird about it. But (especially when I'm not feeling well physically) sometimes it just escapes my mouth. He is used to it and isn't having any of it and in the end we laugh about it usually.
I tend to see things black/white, especially situations. There's a solution or there isn't. I tend to fantasize about worst-case scenarios and get really nervous. In these situations, again, I can fact-check and calm myself down and I also rely on my family and friends. If they tell me I'm on a downward spiral in my mind, I can stop it. Sometimes I just need some help to realize where my thoughts are going.

I know, these can be absolutely normal and these traits don't mean anything, but in combination with my past, sometimes it scares me... .It's a head/heart thing. My head knows I'm OK but the feeling of being "wrong" ist somehow deeply rooted in my image of myself.

I mean, our realities are in the end just that - OUR realities. I know that, e.g. my SS' BPDm, thinks that she's the perfect mom. She doesn't remember any of the abusive stuff she did - and if she does, she presents these as yet another prove of her iincredible motherhood and blames everyone else, but never feels guilt. She is 100% sure what she says it exactly how it happened - even written prove of the opposite doesn't change her mind. This is HER reality. I sometimes wonder if MY reality is as "composed" as hers? Again, I experienced (or was told) at a young age, that my mind can't be trusted. It all comes back to my own past and I need to work on this... .

Thank you for your compassion... .It's good to know that I'm not the only one who doubts her own sanity <3

[catclaw]

I know I had some unhealthy behaviors in the past, so somehow my question was justified. I do not think I had it, though. As the others pointed out, we all have some BPD traits to some extend, especially if raised by BPD.

I actually talked about this with my T - I really was the wild one. Looking back, yes, one might definitely have diagnosed with BPD.
I grew up without boundaries. Even when at age 13 I spent the nights at the park, drinking and hangig around with questionable friends, my mom would pick me up a 1am when everyone else was gone. I was allowed to bring home whomever I wanted at whatever time of the day (and night).
I feel like it was just a matter of time for me to come to a point where boundaries and rules were what I needed desperately. Maybe, developing some sort of illness, was the only way to get them.
But yeah, it makes sense that my upbringing was part of the foundation of such behaviour.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Catclaw:

Sounds to me that you have discovered a lot about yourself and have discovered some tools for improvement. That's good.  Don't be so hard on yourself.  We all have things to work on.  There is a huge difference between someone who recognizes their weak points and works on them, versus someone who won't admit to any flaws.

We all have variations in our brain chemistry and wiring.  Some were dealt a better hand than others.  What it boils down to is that it is more about what you do with the hand you are dealt.

If you haven't read the workshop material at the link below it might be helpful to read (or reread)
MEMORY MGMT. - RUMINATIONS

Don't spend too much time looking in the rear view mirror.  Concentrate on today and tomorrow, we all have opportunities to learn, and make things better.

May you make 2017 a great year for you.