Trying to provide positive closure

[Moongazer]

Not a significant other but a rather intense friend who I suspect has BPD has now blocked contact because I stated that any friendship going forward was difficult because my SO does not approve. I said that I feel guilty seeing them as I would be lying to my SO and that is a weight on my mind, but I also feel guilty about letting them down by keeping my distance because I do actually care about their wellbeing.

The reason why my SO is wary is because she herself had a very bad experience with a NPD so-called friend and did not want me to experience that same hurt. She saw how upset I was when my exBPD friend unfriended me numerous times this year (and then subsequently friended me again) and said I was being emotionally "abused". ExBPD then got into a relationship which seems to have got very intense in a very short space of time (together 7 months and already buying a flat together) and I thought that would create distance, but recently she got in contact with me wanting to to re-establish contact (I had deliberately been in NC on my part for a number of months because it was impacting my own mental health). When we were friends she triangulated me quite a bit and I wonder whether she is doing that with her relationship now?

Anyway I told her honestly that any friendship would be complex and asked her to understand and she hugged me and said she would, but next day - blocked and split black I assume. I haven't tried to make contact but have pondered on the issue and am in two minds whether to send this or not as a form of closure. I don't need a reply. I just wanted them to know that I least do care. Do I send it or do I leave it?


"I have vacillated between deciding to send this or not because I am guessing you are pretty angry with me (or perhaps upset or even indifferent, I'm not sure which) and I don't want to cause trouble. But in the event you haven't yet blocked my number I least want to let you know the following and then I will take my leave. I promise.

I am sad you have cut off communication, but not completely surprised. I expected it to happen sooner to be truthful. Not through any malice but rather I figured you have moved on to a wonderful stage in your life and you didn't want a reminder of what was a difficult situation and, let's be honest, a difficult person to know (as in me). I felt my presence in your life wasn't necessarily something you needed or wanted. As a consequence, I understand and respect your decision and will honour your wish for closure, with no ill feeling on my part. Life really is too short to hold on to negative emotions. And if you ever feel the inclination to contact me again one day, you know where to reach me.

You probably don't believe me when I say this,  but I genuinely do care for you very much and you will always have a special place in my heart. I only wish good things for you and a lifetime of happiness, love and wellbeing. And I am so pleased you have found a loving partnership. You really deserve it.

If only I had a magic wand that could eradicate all the complexity so we could start our friendship anew. I'm sincerely sorry that I can't because you were always awesome company and I will miss you very much. I thank you for the brief friendship we did have.

I don't expect or require a reply. I just wanted you to know the above. Take care of yourself my friend. Make good choices and most of all, be happy."

[lovenature]

If your friend has BPD they will not be able to accept what you wrote as closure, they will try to maintain an attachment with you, the push/pull will continue based on their current emotion of the moment.
If you want closure you will have to give it to yourself.

[Moongazer]

I am pretty much convinced they are BPD.  So many of the behaviours are there - splitting, triangulation, infatuation then discard, occasional grandiose behaviour , mirroring, charming and recycling.

I figured because I was only just blocked after eight months of us not be friends on FB (we still had messenger contact but when they last unfriended and friend requested me in a matter of days I never accepted it because I didn't want it to be used as a constant emotional tool against me), then I had finally been split black and that was end game for them. No more recycling.

I just wanted them to know that despite everything I still want what is best for them and that is to go off and work on their wellbeing and be happy. Yes it hurts that I have been blocked and maybe the closure I need is me accepting that I acted in the right way and am not a bad person.

[lovenature]

I just wanted them to know that despite everything I still want what is best for them and that is to go off and work on their wellbeing and be happy. Yes it hurts that I have been blocked and maybe the closure I need is me accepting that I acted in the right way and am not a bad person.

A PWBPD doesn't have the emotional maturity to accept your final statement of well being, they will make it mean whatever suits their current reality based on their emotions, if they feel they need you as an attachment they will try to contact you, if they have a suitable replacement you won't likely hear from them until devaluation begins.

You have acted in the right way, and you aren't a bad person; the proof is that you care about your friend, BPD is a serious mental illness and we can't have the mutual closure we can with a mature adult. NC has been proven time and time again to be the best way to detach and stop causing more pain for BOTH people.

[Moongazer]

Thanks. I haven't sent it. I guess I was caught up in my own self-involved insecurity of not wanting her to hate me when really I should accept that all sense of rationality is moot when it comes to her emotions and appropriate reactions. To reverse a clichéd phrase: 'it's not me, it's her'.