BPD/NPD often want childern

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I've read numerous posts in the past that BPD/NPD often want to have children or rush into having children, put pressure on the partner for children. My xw said no children until we married, I found nothing strange about that. She knew I wanted children, there was a little pressure to get married but not much. The strange thing is xw had a list of totally unreasonable demands before we were ever to have children. I was and still am a dependable man, hard worker, did not gamble or run around, was good to keep on top of my house hold duties, I drank but xw wasn't ranting about my drinking although it did get way out of control but I quit drinking over 9 years ago. I helped with the cooking, cleaning far from perfect but a good husband just the same. When xw got pregnant she cried her eyes out, said she didn't want to be married to me anymore. Everything went to hell in a hand basket after xw got pregnant. I had to fight tooth and nail to have my son s10, in my life. Xw looks at me as a nothing in s10's life. There is no coparenting and if I didn't have a court order I would have nothing. I have been an exemplary father, never miss access but yet xw still claims I am forever missing access and her bf of the last year 1/2 can come and go do as he pleases with s10, like he is the father. Some very strange dynamics going on here.

[bus boy]

I've read numerous posts in the past that BPD/NPD often want to have children or rush into having children, put pressure on the partner for children. My xw said no children until we married, I found nothing strange about that. She knew I wanted children, there was a little pressure to get married but not much. The strange thing is xw had a list of totally unreasonable demands before we were ever to have children. I was and still am a dependable man, hard worker, did not gamble or run around, was good to keep on top of my house hold duties, I drank but xw wasn't ranting about my drinking although it did get way out of control but I quit drinking over 9 years ago. I helped with the cooking, cleaning far from perfect but a good husband just the same. When xw got pregnant she cried her eyes out, said she didn't want to be married to me anymore. Everything went to hell in a hand basket after xw got pregnant. I had to fight tooth and nail to have my son s10, in my life. Xw looks at me as a nothing in s10's life. There is no coparenting and if I didn't have a court order I would have nothing. I have been an exemplary father, never miss access but yet xw still claims I am forever missing access and her bf of the last year 1/2 can come and go do as he pleases with s10, like he is the father. Some very strange dynamics going on here.

[rfriesen]

Hi bus boy,
A pwBPD's deep need to form and keep an attachment could lead them to express a desire for children, in a way that might seem really premature to their partner. Similar to how many members here found that their partners moved the relationship along very quickly -- whether through expressions of love, wanting to move in together, wanting to get married, wanting children. My ex drew that connection explicitly for me when she blurted out one day, "If I ever get pregnant, I'm keeping the baby just so I know I'll always have you around." This was at a phase of our relationship when I was withdrawing, so she might have sensed the need the pull me back in.
On the other hand, many of us have also experienced the flip side of this -- a partner who suddenly turns cold and pushes us away. If your ex knew you wanted children, that might not have triggered her fear of abandonment so much as a fear of engulfment. These two fears often duel it out in the inner emotional world of a pwBPD.

From your posts, it sounds like you gave your ex the best of yourself and she chose not to accept that, either because she was unable or unwilling. That is very painful to process. I know it doesn't make it any easier to hear that you should feel good about giving your best. That doesn't take away the pain of being shut out the way you describe.

Some very strange dynamics going on here.

Yes, they sound painful. How is your access over the holidays? Have you been able to enjoy some quality time with your son? Have you found some approaches produce better results than others when it comes to the struggle to have access to your son?

[bus boy]

rfriesen, I had good access this xmas, only bc I have a court order. S10 a and I had very good quality time.

 There is no approach for any kind of results ever. Xw is totally 100% unreasonable 100% of the time. If I get pushed to the point where I had to get upset, xw would get sarcastic, call me rude, just being her mean self, if I compromise be a good reasonable man, she takes advantage, manuplates and views me as weak. No matter how I approached any situation xw was always uncompromising and unreasonable.

[rfriesen]

rfriesen, I had good access this xmas, only bc I have a court order. S10 a and I had very good quality time.

That's great   
I'm really happy to hear it.

There is no approach for any kind of results ever. Xw is totally 100% unreasonable 100% of the time. If I get pushed to the point where I had to get upset, xw would get sarcastic, call me rude, just being her mean self, if I compromise be a good reasonable man, she takes advantage, manuplates and views me as weak. No matter how I approached any situation xw was always uncompromising and unreasonable.

I can imagine that's terrible to deal with, especially when you're co-parents and have no choice but to interact with your ex. Are you able to minimize your interactions any further? Feeling manipulated is always unpleasant -- what kinds of situations arise that upset you or give you the possibility of compromise? Is it mainly issues having to do with your s10?

[bus boy]

I have minimized all contact with xw especially since she met her bf. Xw got much worse towards me after she met her bf. This summer xw picked s10 up at day camp on my access day, I text asking why she did this, xw wife took this simple request as an attack and got her bf involved, he was shaking his fist at me, giving me the finger. I minimize contact by going g to the source instead of xw, she is a bad manuplating lier. Xw says s10 is suffering in school bc of his access with me, one time I would of agreed with her and bent to her wishes, now I go to the school and see the teacher and get a totally different story. Xw doesn't seem to get it, she just continues to lie even with the facts presented right in front of her, she will lie and deny. Other personal interaction is childishly rude and ignorant, makes faces at me, has her bf follows me, he waves at me like a silly childish 6 year old so does xw. I take the high road and refuse to bring myself down to there level and tell my self, nothing from nothing is nothing.