Trying to Leave, but it's so hard

[aj4599]

Hi all -

So I've posted a few times on here about my ongoing struggles with my UBPD girlfriend. Well on Christmas Eve, it finally came to light that she has actually been dating both me and her ex (prior to me) for the last 6 months, lying to us both, and sleeping with and going on dates with each of us (both relationships are long distance).

I am, and was, crushed. We'd continued to have fights and arguments, most of which were about me just having this feeling that stuff wasnt right... .like she wasn't acting the way you act in a committed relationship with someone. What I always got in response was that I was anxious, overly sensitive, and not secure enough. If I pushed it, she'd blow up at me. Usually it ended up with me apologizing for being insecure. I was actually starting to believe I had an emotional issue myself.

Then this came out. For months, virtually every time I felt like something was off... .it was. The lying, the deceit, the unfaithfulness. Its broken me. She admitted to all of it. However, she insists that isnt the source of our problems, but rather, we broke up (the most recent time this week) because of me. The "way i deal with problems when we fight is crazy." She'd hate that I'd sometimes get emotional and frustrated. She said I couldn't have a rational conversation. But for her, that meant me shutting up, even when I felt like something was definitely off. And sometimes, yes, over the course of time I would get very frustrated and lose my temper. But she absolutely refuses to accept that maybe that was the result of the overwhelming frustration I sometimes felt when she just wouldn't address the issue I was raising and would instead insult me and say it was me being insecure. It was over, and over, and over, and it built up over time when she'd never even acknowledge my feelings or that something may in fact not quite be right.

Anyway, now I'm just heartbroken. After this, I know I can't trust her again. I know I need to walk away. But I don't know why it's so hard. I AM furious. I AM heartbroken. But my friends and family that know just tell me "cut off all contact, be done with her, what's wrong with you." And it's just not that easy. I'd LOVE to do that and not feel this way. But it's hard to describe. I'm still in love, even though there's no coming back from this. And I don't even feel like the last 8 months of my life have been real... .it's like I was living in a fictional reality.

I just thought maybe someone on this board could help. The few people I've told don't seem to "get" why I can be so hurt and yet have such a hard time just dropping her.

[loulou3]

Hi,
I understand completely! I am in the same boat. He treats me miserably and I know it's terribly unhealthy, yet here I am waiting to see if he'll return after another disappearing act. We've been married only 9 months and the threats of divorce started 5 days after we said I do. It's so hard to
walk away-he's only been with me 60 nights of our marriage.
Im sure he's cheating too. Maybe you and I both treasure the good and ignore the bad. However, seeing this in writing opens my eyes to what a fool I am. Prayers for you - I know how hard it is to understand the madness.

[rfriesen]

Hi aj,

I'm sorry to hear the pain you're going through -- terrible at any time, but it can be especially challenging during the holidays. Are you with family and friends now? Are you able to find some comfort and support with them, even if they don't "get" all that you're going through?

For months, virtually every time I felt like something was off... .it was. The lying, the deceit, the unfaithfulness. Its broken me. She admitted to all of it. However, she insists that isnt the source of our problems, but rather, we broke up (the most recent time this week) because of me. The "way i deal with problems when we fight is crazy."
... .
It was over, and over, and over, and it built up over time when she'd never even acknowledge my feelings or that something may in fact not quite be right.

All of this behaviour is extremely invalidating. As you say, it can feel crushing. You repeatedly try to raise an issue with her, something that's hurting you, and she dismisses your worries. Then it turns out you had reason to be hurting, and she still puts the blame on you. This dynamic can be deeply painful coming from someone we love.

Anyway, now I'm just heartbroken. After this, I know I can't trust her again. I know I need to walk away.

The first step towards detachment is often this kind of realization -- that trust is fundamentally broken and cannot be repaired.

But I don't know why it's so hard. I AM furious. I AM heartbroken.

Yes, the realization that trust is broken doesn't undo all the emotional attachment that has been formed over many months. These kinds of relationships can involve emotional hooks that reach deep into us, and it will take time to loosen their grip and start to detach. It is a painful process, there's no way around that. You realize you can't trust her, and yet are still emotionally enmeshed. Hence the anger. Hence the heartbreak.

But my friends and family that know just tell me "cut off all contact, be done with her, what's wrong with you." And it's just not that easy. I'd LOVE to do that and not feel this way. But it's hard to describe. I'm still in love, even though there's no coming back from this. And I don't even feel like the last 8 months of my life have been real... .it's like I was living in a fictional reality.

I can relate to the realization that you've been living a fictional reality. Like waking up from a dream and realizing it was a nightmare -- and yet wanting to go on dreaming just a while longer. Many of us have experienced that in the form of recycling the relationship. The fictional reality was so good, so incredibly good, at least for a time ... .how not to accept a little more? To just look the other way a while longer?

None of us here can tell you what to do. We've all had to find our own way forward, whether by trying to repair a relationship or deciding it's time to detach. But we can tell you that we get how painful these kinds of attachment can be. There is no right or wrong way forward -- just the way that you choose as right for you. Be kind to yourself, be patient with yourself -- it's normal to feel conflicted and to still want that other person, even when you've realized you better walk away.

[aj4599]

Thank you all so much. It's just so nice to have someone that gets it. People who have been there.

[Curiously1]

I am sorry you are going through this. This is not what a loving relationship looks like and you knew something wasn't right yet still feel love for her. Everyone who has commented is right. Everyone agrees she is invalidating your feelings and being very unreasonable making you think you are far more sensitive than you actually are. There is nothing wrong with how you reacted to what she did. She is messing with you planting seeds of doubt in your mind to feel better about herself and her selfish actions. What keeps us stuck is thinking about all the good times and forgetting what we truly want and find important. Trust. Honesty. Love. Etc. Remember what you value and remember what she gave you did not match those and so you had to question her. Remember how she chose to react to you and how unacceptable that is and how you'd never treat someone like that. She may have first appeared to be the right person but overtime she showed you something else. I am sure you miss how she used to treat you. You fell inlove for a reason and I am sure you wouldnt have fallen for her if she showed you this from the start. It takes a while to process. You didn't lose out on anything good. But yeah, it's up to you if you want to stay and hope it gets better.

[aj4599]

I am sorry you are going through this. This is not what a loving relationship looks like and you knew something wasn't right yet still feel love for her. Everyone who has commented is right. Everyone agrees she is invalidating your feelings and being very unreasonable making you think you are far more sensitive than you actually are. There is nothing wrong with how you reacted to what she did. She is messing with you planting seeds of doubt in your mind to feel better about herself and her selfish actions. What keeps us stuck is thinking about all the good times and forgetting what we truly want and find important. Trust. Honesty. Love. Etc. Remember what you value and remember what she gave you did not match those and so you had to question her. Remember how she chose to react to you and how unacceptable that is and how you'd never treat someone like that. She may have first appeared to be the right person but overtime she showed you something else. I am sure you miss how she used to treat you. You fell inlove for a reason and I am sure you wouldnt have fallen for her if she showed you this from the start. It takes a while to process. You didn't lose out on anything good. But yeah, it's up to you if you want to stay and hope it gets better.

Thank you Curiously. The amount of compassion I've found on this board is already more than I could have hoped for, and really does help.

I have one more weird thing I'm experiencing... .is it wrong to feel intensely jealous that someone else may get that early honeymoon period now, and fear that they'll get it forever when I got so badly hurt? I know that's a selfish sentiment. If she can truly find happiness forever, I want that for her. But a part of me just wants that good stuff back so badly, and I know someone else will get it when they meet her, and I resent so much that after 8 months of trying SO hard to be anything she could want, someone else will get that again.

I know it's selfish. Its just another... .hard to articulate... .emotion I'm experiencing now.

[rfriesen]

I have one more weird thing I'm experiencing... .is it wrong to feel intensely jealous that someone else may get that early honeymoon period now, and fear that they'll get it forever when I got so badly hurt?

It's not weird. It's a common human response to your situation. It's not wrong either. It's a feeling. One thing that helped me working through this process is to begin letting go of judging my feelings. When we find ourselves judging our feelings as good or bad, it's usually because we wish we could control our feelings, make ourselves have the "right" feelings, and we end up feeling shame because we can't. It's normal to react this way to an intensely painful emotional experience --- we want to block out negative feelings because they hurt too much. We try to "fix" our feelings.

The thing is, we can't directly control our thoughts and feelings. When they become too intense to block out, we can find our mind spinning as we try to justify or judge or explain our feelings to ourselves. Let yourself feel whatever you're feeling. That's harder than it sounds. Just remember you can only control what you do, how you take care of yourself now. Get enough rest, eat well, get regular sleep, exercise.

We all tend to judge ourselves for what we feel. But it's better to show yourself compassion. You're dealing with painful feelings. You don't feel at your best. It's normal. You're hurting a lot. To the extent you can, let yourself feel whatever comes. If you find yourself judging your feelings, try to take a step back and just observe them -- even if it's something as simple as observing where you feel them, or whether they have a colour, or smell, or anything else that comes to mind. It can help give you some mental distance from what you're feeling.

[Curiously1]

No it isn't. You deserve to be happy and you just want to feel great again. That is all. I am sure that once you feel a lot better and truly feel that you can do without her, this will no longer cross your mind because you will no longer feel like your happiness is comparable or is in any way tied into whether a honeymoon period lasts (it doesnt).
Based on everything I've read, stories, books, videos I have concluded that nobody can truly make them happy. If they stay in a long-term reationship, it will still be an unequal relationship where the non has to compromise in some way.

I recommend you keep sharing how you feel on here, posting, journalling, reading books and watching videos to help soothe your self-doubts. I also believe happiness comes from introspection and truly wanting to change. Does that sound like that will come easy for her? Probably not. They suck at reflecting and would rather blame everyone. I don't think that makes for a truly happy person. As cliche as it sounds happiness truly comes from within. Not from having a replacement and enjoying a honeymoon period that does not last forever anyway. By virtue of you focusing on yourself and feeling better on your own, you will be doing so so much better than your pwBPD.

I doubt mine will ever change but still wish her well. They are so happy right now but the replacement doesn't know what's coming.

[aj4599]

So she reached out this morning, asking if her mother had shared what she'd (her mom) gotten me for Christmas with me. I said no, and she sent me a photo. It was a giant canvas print of my favorite picture of my ex and I together.

I responded that I had been so happy that day, but also pointed out that a near argument and actual argument that we'd gotten into the day before and after that photo was taken were both tied to her secretive behavior that I now know were related to her interacting with her ex/other boyfriend. This led to her repeatedly trying to convince me that she had already apologized but her behavior had nothing to do with us breaking up, and instead it's how I react when I get upset that was the main cause of our problems and we simply aren't compatible. Never mind that 90% of our fights were, I now know, somehow related to her cheating behaviors.

I go sucked into the argument. It ended with her saying I'm free to have my opinion, but she knows we just aren't compatible and it's my emotional reactions that were the biggest problem.

Why do I keep getting sucked into this, why do I miss her so much, and why does it bother me so much that she won't accept the huge impact that her lying and cheating constantly for 6 months had on us not working?

[lovenature]

Hi aj

The few people I've told don't seem to "get" why I can be so hurt and yet have such a hard time just dropping her.

It isn't possible for ANYONE who hasn't lived it to ever fathom it, best to only talk to people who have lived it or a professional trained in it, otherwise loved ones who want to help only hurt you more by invalidating.
It is so hard because your mind and heart don't forget the idealization, and while your mind knows overall it is only best to leave, your heart still pines for that love you thought was possible and has compassion for a mentally ill person; takes time for the heart to catch up with the mind.
Complete NC is very painful but the best way out of the FOG and onto a better future.

[lovenature]

Why do I keep getting sucked into this, why do I miss her so much, and why does it bother me so much that she won't accept the huge impact that her lying and cheating constantly for 6 months had on us not working?

Looking into why you keep going back, and accepted what you did and stayed as long as you did, is where you can learn what needs fixing for a healthier future; digging into FOO issues can be very painful but necessary to heal.