BPDw Wants Divorce Because of Son

[Portent]

So I had an ephiney about my BPDw today. After losing her kids for 2 weeks her ex backed off for the good of the kids so now she is back to her old ways. In otherwords right back to the arms of her affair. We did have a talk and she said that she doesn't think she will even introduce the kids to him or have the kids around him. At first this seemed weird. She plans to live 2 seperate lives but then it hit me.

That is exactly why she wants a divorce. She hates being a full time mom. She likes to travel and be the emotional 10 year old that she is. When we first met I filled the role she wanted quite nicely. I was younger than her, handsom, and had no kids. She could have her kids half the time and jet set with me the other half. Now that our son is in the drama triangle she has to be a full time mom again.

Her solution is to devalue and then leave me for xxx who she is forcing to get a divorce from his family. She plans to have half her life with her kids half her life without and him as well. That way she is free. I go from being husband to 50% of the time babysitter just like her ex.

Any ideas of how Im to go around confronting a pwPBD on this?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[drained1996]

I see your thought process here, and it may very well ring true.  But I question as to why you feel the need to confront her about it.  Given what you've learned about BPD, and what you have experienced with her, what would you expect to get out of discussing your thoughts on that subject with her?  I'm not saying don't, I'm just asking you to think about and share why you would and what your overall goal would be in that discussion. 

[Portent]

I dont really know. I know you cqnt reason with a BPD. She does try to express why she wants out but cant verbalize it. Its always some vague meaningless statement. Ive had to pick up on her clues.

[drained1996]

I dont really know.

Let's focus on this for now... .if you don't know why you want discuss something that could be a source of conflict, do you think it may be best to leave it alone?  Adding to the drama simply adds to the cycles... .a way to break the cycle is to control our own reactions and communication with our BPD.  Have you looked through the tools and lessons on the right side of the page yet?

[Portent]

Let's focus on this for now... .if you don't know why you want discuss something that could be a source of conflict, do you think it may be best to leave it alone?  Adding to the drama simply adds to the cycles... .a way to break the cycle is to control our own reactions and communication with our BPD.  Have you looked through the tools and lessons on the right side of the page yet?

Yes I've looked through it quite a bit. Read stop walking on egg shells. Going to read stop catering to the boarderline/ narcist etc. I'm just wondering if it is possible to thread this needle.

[drained1996]

I'm just wondering if it is possible to thread this needle

Again, I'll ask what your goal would be in bringing up this thought process?  To point out her selfish choices in life?  Do you think that discussion would lead to anything productive? 

I know you're going through very difficult and traumatic circumstances right now.  I'm simply trying to get you to slow down a little and think about how you can better your own situation by lessening your own input in the drama. 

Does bringing up the topic you want to discuss fall in line with suggestions you see in this link?  https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict
Or do you see it may simply add fuel to the fire... .and for no particular reason or healthy goal in mind?

For validation purposes, I actually agree your assessment is probably right on the mark.  Is there really a healthy reason to point it out to her though?

[Portent]

Well I had my best day in a long time yesterday. My therapist agreed that my wife's desire is not to be tied down so there is nithibg I can do. Even if her new relationship breaks apart she would only comeback to me until she found another. She wants out of being a mother and there is nothing I can do to fix that.

She is slow walking our divorce since sye learned from her mistakes last time. Last time she had a guy lined up but he dumped her after about a month of having to live with her. This time she has chosen a much weaker man who is easier to control and she is keeping me around until she has him fully divorced and comitted to her. Its sad but Im not going to be used like that.

Im through with her.

[Five28]

She is slow walking our divorce since sye learned from her mistakes last time. Last time she had a guy lined up but he dumped her after about a month of having to live with her. This time she has chosen a much weaker man who is easier to control and she is keeping me around until she has him fully divorced and comitted to her. Its sad but Im not going to be used like that.

Im through with her.

I don't know how you can deal with that situation. I feel sorry that you have to go through this. I think if I were in your situation, I would not allow her to slow walk anything. If she is out there planning on leaving me anyway, why make it easy for her. I'd fast track anything, including the divorce, to get away from her and her insanity.

[Portent]

I don't know how you can deal with that situation. I feel sorry that you have to go through this. I think if I were in your situation, I would not allow her to slow walk anything. If she is out there planning on leaving me anyway, why make it easy for her. I'd fast track anything, including the divorce, to get away from her and her insanity.

Well I wanted more than anything for my kid to see his mother and father together. My parents were divorced by the time I was 2. I grew up hearing people talk about the memory of a love that I never got to see. I know my mother loved my father deeply but he was a bad bipolar who wouldn't seek help. I didn't want my son to grow up only hearing about the love his mother and I had for each other. I wanted to make it work for him.

Well for awhile I felt like it wouldn't work with her and this new guy. Hell she wanted to sleep with me within a month. I actually know it wont work with this guy. My wife is already warning him that she might leave within 2 years. I'm sure he takes it like I took her warnings about having a kid. He probably thinks its a hypothetical but it is not. Its her way, and I'm sure this is not uncommon with high functioning PBDs, of relieving herself of guilt. She tells you exactly what is going to happen in the form of a hypothetical so when it does inevitably happen she can say 'I told you this would happen.'

Dipstick can have her. He has very low self-esteem far less than what I had when I met her. She loved my confidence. But she broke me down during the devaluation phase of our relationship considerably. I really cant wait to see what she does to him. His family does not deserve what she is doing to them but he deserves what he has coming to him 110%.

[Portent]

Well worse goes to worse.

She cares more about locking up her BF now than she does her own children. The day she got her kids back her ex told me he was going to give them back. He also told me that he had offered to give them to her that night but she had told him no because she had already committed to a major deadline at work. I told him this was true to the best of my knowledge. Fast foward to the next morning when she actually cane home. She had spent the night with her BF and hadnt actually spent much time at the office. She had immediately gone back to sink her hooks into him. Getting her BF divorced and locked up was more important to her than her own kids. Last night she did the sane thing. She had the kids. Asked me if I planed to go out. I did. She gives some story about work. We call my mom over to babysit.

Sure enough she went to her BF place and not the office.

[drained1996]

So what are your thoughts on what the future holds for you two now?

[Portent]

So what are your thoughts on what the future holds for you two now?

We will co-parent. I will divorce her and move on with my life. There is no fixing her and I can never give her what she wants which is freedom from her own children. I will try my best to have an amicable relationship with her but I will keep her far at arms distance.

My solace is that I will get a front row seat when she tears her new BF apart. I got a family out of the deal. I will always have my step kids in my life. I have my son who is a light. I even had three great years with her. Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I will get through this. I have my first date tonight.

Now her BF that is another story. This poor low self-esteem fat sap is giving up everything for her. His 5 kids are going to hate his guts. Her kids will hate him too. My step kids are smart. They already realize what is going on. I just worry about the relationship between his kids and my kids. That might not be good.

When she is does what the always this man will be nothing. I know full well from his family that the battles with depression. My wife targeted him because he was weak. Borderlines will usually downgrade to someone easier to control the next time around. At least her venom will be reserved for someone who actually deserves it this time. I'm going to grab a chair and popcorn.

[Turkish]

Portent,

I can relate to the chair and popcorn.  3 years out, however,  my ex and her husband (the guy she left me for) almost both got arrested Christmas night for DV. Our kids were with her and D4 awoke to see the cops in their apartment. 

Though this is validating to me of what I told her three years ago,  children are involved.  I don't know how she's going to explain it,  but I may have to on my side... .yet again.  Even after 3 years,  the kids still desire us back together. 

You're angry,  and rightfully so.  Her behaviors are messing with all of the children,  and how they are affecting you goes without saying. In these situations, it can be hard to determine how to proceed. With kids,  it's complicated.  How have you talked to them thus far?

[Portent]

I told them that I love thrm and will always love them no matter what. They will always be my family and I will always be in their life. They are my kids forever and they will always be my sons brother and sister.

Saddly I told them that I was mot going to give up on their mother. That has changed. I thought fir awhile that when she broke up with her new BF I would win her back. Now I know that will never be true. She will only come back long enough to find the next victim.

I found out today that her current BF is not her first affair. The story she jas yold me is actually a collage of at least two people. She told me that the affair started in may. But it actually started with him in September. So IMHO nit knowing what I knew my wife combined affars into one story and one affair. There was an affair that ran from May to August/September which ended up with her getting dumped(sge did briefly try to reconnect about that time) then she hooked this guy in September. This pattern will continue regardless because she wants her freedom from our son.

[Turkish]

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this.  

Children shouldn't be lied to,  but they still need to be children,  and things can be communicated ate-appropriately. What are your thoughts here on this?

[Portent]

I'm sorry tat you're having to deal with this. 

Children shouldn't be lied to,  but they still need to be children,  and things can be communicated ate-appropriately. What are your thoughts here on this?

When she was in the process of getting her DUI she blurted out to the children that she was divorcing me. She said that she told them to hurt her ex. I was like that didnt hurt your ex it hurt your children. My stepdaughter was crying her eyes out about it.

Im trying to figurw out how to communicate to the kids that Ive given up on their mon without hurting them. But I dobt really kniw how.