Friends

[tworoadscafe]

My wife shows almost all the symptoms of BPD. I am reading the book Stop Walking on Egg Shells and about halfway through it.
I finally feel hopeful for my marriage. We are separated and her best friend has seemed very supportive of us, wanting us to get help. I shared my concerns to her about my wife having BPD and asked her friend to read the book because I felt we could work together to get my wife some real help. I also asked her not to share with my wife that I felt this was our main issue but I would let a qualified therapist make that assessment. Her friend got very defensive, accused my motives, then, exactly like my wife does, began to verbally abuse me and say I am the root of all her friends issues. This was very discouraging to me as I feel like her closest friend holds a key to us moving forward in healing. Any advice what to do or not do?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

How frustrating this must be. ONce you figure out what is going on, it all begins to click into place and you realize that you aren't crazy after all this time. YOu want to share it with others so they can understand too. Everything you've seen just makes sense and I can imagine how lonely it must feel to have those realizations rejected.

Does the friend have some sort of personality disorder also? Is she or he enmeshed in your wife's drama? Personally I would be very careful about sharing any more information with this friend as that can lead to triangulation.

You mentioned finding a therapist. Would this be for you? or for your spouse? Therapy is always recommended for the spouse of a pwBPD because you have a lot of your own personal things to work through--the stress, handling conflict and their outbursts, what got you into a relationship like this in the first place, learning boundaries, etc.

[Notwendy]

Three is a potential triangle- please read about the Karpman triangle to help you navigate this.

Involving a friend, even to help, may be wandering on to triangle drama. I think in this case, it is better to look to an expert for help. It makes sense. If you needed a plumber, lawyer, mechanic, accountant- who would you call? Someone with those credentials.

I think it is difficult for a friend to be fully objective and neutral. I also think that issues in marriages almost always involve two people. There are things that you may be doing to contribute to the relationship dysfunction. Your mutual friend may have a point there. You may be causing some of it. But the key to this is- that you say she was verbally abusive to you and blames you for all of it. You don't have to be subjected to verbal abuse, nor is it likely that either you or your wife is the cause of all the issues with the other one being innocent. Learn the roles on the Karpman triangle- Persecutor, Rescuer, Victim and how people on the triangle can assume each role. The friend has been put in rescuer position. But all positions are part of dysfunction.

To me, this would be a signal to drop the discussion about intimate matters ( marriage, your personal life) but not make a dramatic move to tell off the friend or drop the friendship. Simply make note- to yourself- not her- that this is not someone who you think can be helpful to you and seek help from someone who can be.

The safest and most qualified third party to ask for help from (IMHO) is a therapist with experience in helping marriages and has skills with BPD.

[Portent]

You wont have much luck with her friend. Ive learned quite quickly that pwBPD gravitate towards enablers who give them the validation they crave. These are rescuers in the drama triangle.

[tworoadscafe]

Thank you all so much. I read about the triangle after I spoke with her. Also her daughter is interested in knowing what is happening. Would you all advise to NOT share anything with the daughter other than we are seeking help?

[Notwendy]

I would advise you to say as little as possible. Your business isn't theirs. Also families can participate on the triangle, take sides, be enmeshed.

I was not aware of the triangle when I shared some concerns about my BPD mother to other family members. I wanted to help my father out at the time. But I was naive. What I was doing was stepping on to the triangle as "rescuer". My mother perceived me as "persecutor". My father, with whom I thought I was in an alliance with ( like you felt with the friend) to get help for the situation, did a 180 and stepped in as my mother's rescuer- blaming me for causing the problems in the marriage.

Although I did the best I could with what I knew at the time, I wish I had been aware of the triangle as a family issue, not just the one person with BPD. Consider that I may have been in the daughter's situation - wanting to help you, and then getting involved in a situation I had no tools to handle at the time.

Please consider that saying anything about your wife to people in her circle could be perceived my her as an attack, even if the intention is to help. Your best bet IMHO before saying anything more is to consult a professional.