Wife seems to have BPD - need help

[Mattfinish]

Hello,

I'm a married 32 year old guy with 3 kids and a wife who I now believe has BPD.
When we got together over 5 years ago she always had issues. She had a difficult upbringing and a bad relationship before me. Before we met she lost loads of weight and started to self harm while also indulging in excessive drink and drugs.
When we started to date she latched on quick and the self harm stopped after she admitted she had been suicidal at times.

Once we started living together she was always paranoid about everything I did and expecting me to cheat. She would look over my phone and accuse me of things that never happened.
I did everything I could to reassure her (going so far as to give her my find my iPhone details so she could locate me at any time).
She would also start arguments over nothing and lay into me over the smallest of things.

I should explain that I work a lot. I have a very demanding job so she stays at home with the kids.

About a month ago she broke down and told me she didn't love me any more. While I was in tears she was cold about it all and just said she was sorry for hurting me and that we couldn't split up because of the kids and mortgage.
She explained it that she had began to resent me because I didn't do enough around the house and her life had stagnated.
She then dropped the bomb shell that on certain nights out she had kissed other men and explained that it made her feel good.

We talked for ages and said we would try and get those feelings back.
I stepped up at home and started showering her with affection. It seemed to be working and life was returning a bit just before Xmas.

The day before Xmas she went for a night out with her best friend. I dropped her off and told her I loved her. We even had a joke about what had been going on.
She came home about midnight absolutely wasted and fell into bed. She asked me to find her phone so I popped downstairs and checked her bag... .where I found a bag of condoms.
Turns out she had gone to meet a guy for sex.
I confronted her and she admitted it while crying and saying she had ruined everything.
Through it all she never actually apologised.

We spoke the next day and she said she did it to try and feel something. It was nice to be sexy and wanted again.
She said that she still didn't feel anything. No guilt or remorse. She's just empty.

I've suffered from depression so I started to research things. We both spoke about BPD and it seemed to sum her up.
She agreed that she might have it.
But she said she just didn't care and wishes she wasn't here anymore. I asked her how could she do that to the kids? and she said that if she was dead she wouldn't care anyway.
She even admitted to looking at the tablets in the house to see what she could take.

I love this woman insanely. She is a great mum and my rock even through all this.
I suppose I'm asking if you guys do indeed feel that she has BPD? And if so what advice could you give to help me.
I feel heartbroken, betrayed and also sad that it's taken me this long to realise she has a problem.

Thanks

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[drained1996]

Hi Mattfinish,



You've definitely had some difficult times recently and we're sorry to hear that.  Many here either have or are experiencing a lot of what you are going through right now... .you are not alone.  You ask if she has BPD, and none of us here are capable of making that diagnosis... .that's for a professional therapist.  However, yes, from your story she has strong traits of the illness and that's something we have to deal with on a daily basis as their significant other. 
Is there a chance she would see a therapist that is proficient in dealing with personality disorders?  The fact that you all have actually spoken about the issues you all are facing, and that she seems to be open in sharing how she feels (or rather doesn't feel), is a positive sign as many will deny and not even acknowledge their actions, words etc. 
I'd also suggest for you to find a therapist to help guide you in this process.  It can be overwhelming, and I know I found a professional to be of great value in my own journey. 
One thing many of us have learned is that we cannot change our person with BPD (that's on them), but we can change how we react to and communicate with them.  In the right upper margin of this page you will see some tools and lessons specifically designed to help us do exactly that.  It's a process and takes practice. 
Be compassionate with yourself at this time, you've suffered some traumatic events in your life... .anyone would feel overwhelmed, hurt, confused etc.  That's normal, and we are here to help you walk through this.  You've found the right place.  Keep posting.   

[Mattfinish]

Thanks for the response.
We are planning on going to see a therapist first thing in the new year.

I think the key for me was to make sure it certainly seemed to be the route cause rather than me just hoping for it.

I appreciate the kind words. Hopefully this is a place where I can talk freely as it seems people in general just don't understand.

[drained1996]

I think the key for me was to make sure it certainly seemed to be the route cause rather than me just hoping for it.

I think you can rest assured you've found the right place.  The traits are what we deal with... .and she certainly exhibits some... .official diagnosis is simply a label, a label we don't need in order to see what is directly in front of us daily. 
The more stories you read, and the more knowledge you gain of the illness, the more comfortable you will be in your own understanding.

Hopefully this is a place where I can talk freely as it seems people in general just don't understand

This is definitely a place where we can share without fear of judgment!  We do understand, and that will become evident as well with the more you post and share.  It's difficult for others to understand... .as what we experience at times is simply not explainable... .unless you've been through it yourself.