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[Carpenterhelper]

Hi - I look forward to learning more about BPD. I just learned from my therapist that I am married to a nonbelieving BPD.

I feel alone right now trying to absorbed how this illness can effect someone.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[drained1996]

Hi Carpenterhelper,



It can be very overwhelming to learn of a diagnosis of a loved one.  I remember when my therapist suggested BPD and asked me to look it up and do some reading myself.  This site is full of information, and a good place to start is in the upper right margin of this page with the tools and lessons.  You will also get a good perspective if you begin to read the stories others have posted here and the subsequent responses in those threads.  I suggest you take it slow, and take in only what you can absorb at any given time. 
You will find in your reading here that you are far from alone.  Many of us have or are facing some of the exact struggles you see daily.  It's refreshing to share and have others share back.  What are the most noticeable issues you face on a daily basis with your wife?
  You've found a place full of people who understand.  We are here to walk with you.  Keep posting!   

[Carpenterhelper]

Thank you for the response and welcoming me.

My wife displayed  BPD traits in front of my thrapust - the first time  outside of our little family. That started a whole private discussion with my therapist.

For  years I have been badgered that I have intimacy issues. No - she has been projecting those feelings onto me along with all her adanbonment issuses. And of course she has raging fits that I have learned, for the most part, how to minimize. I have learned new communication tactics or work extra hard to reduce stress (e.g., make dinner, keep up with the house work, make sure she is overall taken care of). I did that for years especially when the kids were young.

Well, as we approach the empty nest period of our lifes, I am confused and heartsick. I am tired of this relationship the way it is. It feels like I live a seperate life just to stay ahead of the BPD reactions. And, on top of that, she has worked hard to convince me how I have created all these situations - 25 years of me creating these situations - right. I have been in and out of counseling trying to understand. All the while she is too smart for counseling. It is finally getting clear to me.

But, now I am hurting as I understand more. I feel a lot of pain, betrayal, abuse, isolation, etc.

I know she loves me... .and we do not have any major relationship killers like outside affairs, drug abuse, etc., but I am kinda sad right now. It just hurts.

Christmas time was interesting- I need to share my learnings with  my college son. I can see he is confused more now that he is older and has been away.

Thanks again - so glad I had someone to share with.

[drained1996]

Thanks for sharing Carpenterhelper... .

25 years is a long time, and you have put in a mountain of effort in keeping the peace it sounds.  Being able to put your finger on the issue (BPD) I'm sure is relieving and troubling at the same time. 

But, now I am hurting as I understand more. I feel a lot of pain, betrayal, abuse, isolation, etc

I felt that too when my T told me about her BPD and I had done some research.  And with a little time it became easier, the sticker shock of the original "labeling" wore off and I was able to see things for what they were.

You've been very strong to seek counseling to help you in your process.  I know mine was a linchpin guiding me down my path. 
Have you by chance read the book Stop Walking on Eggshells?  If not, it's a good one for a start. 
We are here to listen, understand, share and even help guide a little as needed.  You've found the right place.   

[Five28]

"For  years I have been badgered that I have intimacy issues. No - she has been projecting those feelings onto me along with all her adanbonment issuses. And of course she has raging fits that I have learned, for the most part, how to minimize. I have learned new communication tactics or work extra hard to reduce stress (e.g., make dinner, keep up with the house work, make sure she is overall taken care of). I did that for years especially when the kids were young."

Man, I know how you feel. I've been married for 36 years to a BPD wife. She always blames someone else (usually me) whenever anything bad happens in her life. Like you, I would make dinner, clean the house, go shopping for groceries, and none of it made a bit of difference. She showed no signs of appreciation whatsoever. If the situation were reversed, I would always show my gratitude and would consider myself a lucky guy to have someone that took such good care of me. Not her though. One day when she was taking a college class I went grocery shopping, made dinner and cleaned up the kitchen. She gets home and flips out because I didn't open the door for her like I usually try to do if I hear her pull up. I didn't hear because I was washing the dishes. Things like this are a common occurrence around here. I feel like I've married a Jekyl / Hyde person. One minute she is normal and then next she is yelling and screaming about some something so small and trivial that I just have to shake my head in disbelief. The other day she brought up something that I did 20 years ago, which had been brought up numerous times in the past as well. What did I do that was so awful to keep bringing it up? I became godfather to a friends baby girl without telling her, as we were on the verge of divorce at the time and not really speaking to each other. Now if she decided to become godmother to one of her girlfriends children I would think that it was nice and would have absolutely no problem with it at all. I just don't get it, and never will. Choosing to live your life with a BPD spouse will surely mean years of chaos, confusion and stress. I wish I knew that she was a BPD before we got married. If I did, I'd either be single or married to a non-BPD spouse.

[Carpenterhelper]

Yes about the book. I bought it last week and I have successfully read half of it secrecy already. I will keep seeking more information, skills and God's strength!

Thank you both for the great words of encouragement.