Words said to hurt me

[Openhearted321]

Alright I get it. Breakups are never easy or painless no matter who are. However when your partner may have BPD things seems to be even more intense. Well I'm currently dealing with one of the down phases and my boyfriend, or I should ex since he broke things off again, is saying some incredibly hurtful things to me. He is claiming that he never loved me, I was just rebound, and even more painful is that he is looking for someone more submissive than me. Well he initiated a silent treatment after he told me he wasn't coming to my family's  Christmas, however I recently had to reach out for various reasons and he continued to throw dirt at me. I'm trying my hardest to not take things personally or for face value, but it's hard. I mean I really want things to work out between us but I'm not sure he does anymore. I am actually starting to believe him and what he is saying. I have done all I could to read up on things and I'm just not sure anymore. Anyone else ever go through such intense breakups and have the relationship still work? Or should I really take his words for face value?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[PeteWitsend]

I definitely do not think you should take his words at face value.  He clearly said them to hurt you, and if he indeed is a pwBPD, was fully aware of what he was saying and intended to hurt you.

That being said, while you should not take his words at face value, the behavior underlying them - intending to abuse and hurt you - is a different story. 

You're not married to him and (it sounds like) you have no children with him?  so you have no real reason to tolerate this.  If I were you, I would just cut contact completely and move on.  Don't take anything he's said personally. 

[K.G.]

I think I could have written this post myself (except for the family Christmas part). It is heartbreaking to be pushed away and not to know or understand why. And the irony is that we are told that we are not suitable for the BPD! I am not saying that our partners are not entitled to their opinion on who he or she should date, but I myself have twisted and bent over backwards trying to be the perfect, supportive partner (and the effort is always mine). I imagine that is the same for you. And now you are left wondering, I've done everything so why, why, why oh why?... .

I am learning for myself to stop wondering. I will never get an answer. I won't say to you to give up and walk away, but prepared for the pattern repeating if you do succeed in getting through to him. If he does want the relationship to end, you need to recognise that this may not be the same as a regular break up, and not feel as if you did something wrong or that you are not worthy of him - that is maybe what he wants you to believe. After everything I have read about BPD, I have begun to realise that my partner did not see me that way I saw him or the way I understood the relationship. The relationship is seen in different colours and if he wants to walk away it is to do with how he perceives things, and not necessarily the reality. Perhaps give yourself a bit of time to think about your needs and whether your partner can fulfil them (not just part of the time, but all of the time) - yes, all of the time. After all, I always thought about his needs all of the time and I am sure you have dedicated a lot of time to that too. Take care of your heart.

[statsattack]

Best advice is speak to a therapist and make sure you are upfront that he has BPD. The Therapist won't do anything to help you but it will put you in position to figure out how to evaluate everything that went wrong and allow you to help yourself

[earlyL]

This thread has really helped me as well. I am in a similar position and have found some text to say that my BPD partner (who has feelings for someone else) has said that the love she feels for someone else is so much deeper and stronger than anything before, including myself. I am in shock and so hurt after everything we have discussed and her constant declarations of love for me, but reading this in other situations has helped. I do believe that her interpretation of the relationship and mine are very different things, and I think it takes quite a lot to be able to keep remembering that!

Hang in there! Keep believing in yourself and I think seeking thoughts from a therapist is a great idea.

[Openhearted321]

Thank you all for your kind words. It's hard cause the logical solution in this is to walk away and move on. I totally get that and know it's what I should  do. But that emotional side of me loves him so much and doesn't want to leave him especially during this phase. I mean I have felt I have done such a good job of respecting his boundaries and doing what he has asked of me. I have literally given him the "clean break" he was requesting for yet today when I asked him to do something for me to to help promote this "break" he became extremely upset and made me feel I was in wrong to be asking for such a request. Do people who suffer from BPD always think they are the victim? I mean he wanted this break. He even told him he is he happiest he has ever has been because he is finally alone in life, so then why get so mad at me when I too try "break" things off as well? Or did I only trigger him more? And does someone only get meaner and meaner each time they trigger?