Feeling very down since yesterday evening and today

[bus boy]

I'm feeling pretty down. S10 is with me but I can't reach that joy I get when he is with me. The more I detach, the more I look at my self, the more I start to see that I probably played a bigger roll in the demise of my marriage than I will allow my self to accept. Xw really is different with her BF than she was with me. I can't think of that but she told me how mad she was at her self for letting her self be with me. Xw really despised me. She did not want me and she made it very clear. She never promised anything, she said when the right person comes along she will know it. She fed mr sex for years after she left, dated a few different men until the right one came along and I was discarded for good. Xw made it clear and I chose not to listen. She kept me around to full fill a sexual need. I guess I'm more mad at me for hanging on. It wasn't like Xw said we can make this work, I love you and want you in my life. Nothing of the sort was ever said. She was crystal clear in not wanting me in her life. Perhaps I realize that the only person I can be angry with is me. I hung on to a dream that was never going to be. It was the illusion I made up in my head.

[michel71]

Hi friend... .these relationships are very complex. As much as I have read and learned I sometimes, okay, often times, if I am honest, forget that this is a mental illness. We are not just dealing with a regular person but somebody who is very ill and does not operate with logic, reason, understanding and accurate self inspection.

Worse yet is what they have done to us. We start to have disordered thinking about who we really are and because they have blamed us so much we become conditioned to think it might be true.

 Our part in this relationship, our culpability, might better be analyzed when we have more distance from the relationship. Like you, I am ruminating over things that I could have done better or not done at all to "keep the peace". I don't know if that serves me well right now. They have done their damage to our self esteems. Maybe we don't need to add to it by punishing ourselves.

My uBPDw is moving out today. My goal is to get through this day. Like you I am also with my young child and have been for a week. I have tried to stay present, to experience joy but I too have had a hard time. But I have tried to put on a good face, even if that meant I am forcing it. And then I feel guilty. Time is so precious with my little one as we see each other every few months ( they live across the country).

But I have to cut myself some slack. I don't want this to be the same way next Christmas nor ever again. And I am going to make sure that it isn't. It is not fair to my daughter for her parent to be in relationship crisis constantly ( which is what it has been for the last 2 1/2 years). To be fair, she knew very little of this and I hid it pretty well. But still.

I can relate to how you feel that she despised you. I can feel that and she is 3000 miles away! As I understand it BPDs have a tremendous amount of anger. I think it is par for the course. IF we can isolate it as part and parcel of their illness, keep in mind that it could be us or anybody else that is the object of their anger, it might help us.

Again, I am far from an expert and going through "it" like you and many others on this site but I can tell you that I know your pain. Keep posting. I will too. And we can get through this together.

2017 is the year... .for us to take back our power.

[Pretty Woman]

They don't really despise us, friends.

They despise THEMSELVES.  Their words are merely projection.

You have to realize, BPD is not a mental illness. It's an emotional disorder. They are "emotionally stunted" at their core. You can't prescribe medication to help them start growing again. THIS is who they are.

Have you ever tried to rationalize with a three year old? How did that go? I suspect it involved arguing and in the end you setting boundaries to protect the little one, yet the little one doesn't understand and pitches a fit.
Am I right?

This is the same thing. Thing is this... .why do we want to be in a relationship with a man/woman child? Is it the rescuer in us? Were we abandoned emotionally as children so we stay in relationships where we are abandoned?

Something to chew on.

Persons with BPD are survivors. They have learned through life what manipulations work and which don't.  They convincingly play the victim yet are aware of their actions yet they take 0 responsibility for them.

Your ex will survive without you. She will continue on her path of destruction, leaving broken people in her wake, while you move forward, you heal and grow from this experience.

I know it hurts. I know it sucks. I know you think her new relationship is better.

Eventually you will stop blaming yourself. It isn't your fault, it just wasn't healthy. Once you get to a healthier place within yourself you will see these things.

I don't have a child with my ex but I can only imagine. Because of your dear son, it's very important to stay cordial with her yet set boundaries. Do not let her walk all over you.  Your most important relationship is that with your son. Let him know how much he is loved and always be there for him. Be the one parent he can truly count on. He needs you. 

I can't explain why we long for something that is bad for us, other than we are missing something in our lives and these type of relationships (push pull) allow us to feel.
But they are not healthy.

I truly implore you to seek counseling if you haven't.  It helps immensely. It may even help you discover why you are attracted to something that's bad for you. I know it helped me greatly.
 

[Hisaccount]

busboy,

Dude, you got used for sex? Is it really that bad? LOL
I know your experience was traumatic and I am not trying to make fun.
What I can tell you is it could be a lot worse when it comes to being used. That much I promise you.

For me, married for 10 years, knew her for 13.
Moved her 6 times only twice with me and across states.
Bought her vehicles and kept them running. (14) vehicles over 10 years.
Bought her kids vehicles.
Put her kids through private school.
Put braces on her kids.
Ran them to all their appointments.
All clothing, food, vacations all came out of my pocket.
Raised her kids, cooked, cleaned, laundry, everything while she sat on the couch feeding her latest addictions, like video games, or dogs, or clothes or shoes or fish tanks, or whatever the flavor of the day was.
Put my ex through school,
finishing associates degree,
getting her masters degree,
law school.
Bought a foreclosed house and remodeled it. (twice) because she wanted something nicer.
Boats, campers, off road toys anything she wanted.
Weight loss surgery,
Cosmetic surgery
Always took care of her because you know they cannot do it on their own.
Helped her start her own business. Which means buying an old bar, gutting it and building offices, conference room, bathrooms, break room, waiting room, everything.
Tore my shoulders up, I am too old I will never heal and have pain for the rest of my life.
I have always paid for everything thinking I will get it all back someday when she is going strong.
Finally her business is taking off and she is making money after 10 years of not contributing anything and she decides she cannot be with me anymore. I am evil.
And she did promise me the rest of her life, married me always said her and I forever.

So next time you feel used. Read through that again.
That probably isn't even all of it.
But the really messed up part, I would still take her back in a second even with all of the BPD dysfunction and abuse.
I am one broken and messed up person.

[Confused#9999]

Great post pretty woman. Alan Robarge on YouTube explains quite well why we stay in a relationship like that. Some of the videos were spot on for me.

[michel71]

Hisaccount. Not to hijack this thread but I feel like you only with half the time of the marriage! I feel like I did everything and to my own detriment just to make her happy. And it never worked. And I am devastated. Emotionally and Financially.