Refuses to leave

[Sufficating]

So, I've told my BPD S/O to move out of my condo and his response is: No, I'm not going anywhere.   

Anyone else deal with this type of situation?

[cbm419]

So, I've told my BPD S/O to move out of my condo and his response is: No, I'm not going anywhere.   

Anyone else deal with this type of situation?

Asking my BPDex to leave the apartment, even for temporary space, was like lighting a fuse on a pile of TNT.  He would rage rage rage... .often times he would become physical in these situation.  Nothing was a better way to trigger him.

does yours go bonkers too? did they react sharply to being asked to move out?

many laws make it impossible to legally "kick someone out" if they have possessions of any sort in the dwelling.  I ran into this with a different Ex several years ago in NYC.  Cops were called by the neighbors after me and him were yelling at each other into the wee hours.  Two officers show up, I tell them "this is my ex and I pay 100% for this apartment, he is not welcome here."  They asked if he had any of his possessions in the apt, and because he did, I could not force him out or have him charged with trespassing.

worst thing was is he (who is not BPD but crazy some other way) saw this as a threat and reacted by showing a bruise he got days before falling down drunk, and saying I was hitting him that night.  Total lie and I ended up being arrested.

So i guess i would say, if you do try to make your BPD leave using official channels like law enforcement, it would be best to work with a lawyer or work with the police and inform them of your situation... .is there any physical abuse/danger posed by your BPD? if there is a history of this, that may help- can get a restraining order.

However, I would not suggest contacting law enforcement when your BPD is in an escalated state. Dont make it your "last resort" or wait for your ex to be agitated into fight/flight.  you may end up in the same situation i was- these people will do anything when pushed into a corner. 

If your convinced they wont leave without some sort of enforcement by authority, I'd go with a lawyer, or if police, build a case with them over a few days/weeks... .dont just call 911 when the BPD is elevated.

[Sufficating]

Thanks for replying.  My SO pattern is to do something horrible (cheat, steal, call me the C bomb, whatever) and then when I tell him to get out in anger, he says "See, you're always kicking me out".  Then he tells me he isn't going anywhere and he stays put.

Yes, he has a domestic violence assault conviction (with me as the victim, he strangled me).  I'll explore the restraining order option.

[formflier]

Talk to a couple of attorneys and retain the one you like best.  Don't talk to your pwBPD until you have retained the attorney and they have started the process to get them out.

Ask an attorney if it is legal to change the locks while they are out.

Describe all the abuse to the attorney and ask advice on a RO.

FF

[cbm419]

Thanks for replying.  My SO pattern is to do something horrible (cheat, steal, call me the C bomb, whatever) and then when I tell him to get out in anger, he says "See, you're always kicking me out". 

Oh my god. Have we been dating the same person somehow? Mine would do the exact same thing! Push me to basically NEEDING him to leave - usually through the same means, or just by getting himself worked up into such a loud rage that it would frighten my roommates. If I asked him to leave it was treated as if I had kicked him out onto the street with nowhere to go. He had his own place tho.

Primary difference is mine would not take my request well at all. He would refuse to leave but also turn the rage up to absurd levels. This was also when he would most often become physical and violent. I took a lot of beatings for asking Him to leave. Eventually I just stopped trying. 

Formflier has the right idea here. Keep your plans private and don't hesitate to go forward... .this guy sounds dangerous. Your lucky you already have a history w law enforcement. I never had the courage or self respect to get my ex rightfully in trouble for what he did.

[GaGrl]

Does he have identification showing another address? Could this be used to show that your residence is not his legal residence?

[Sufficating]

Gagrl: No, he doesn't have any other addresses.  My condo is his legal address.  I just sometimes can't handle it sometimes.  I'm also considering paying him to leave.  He's currently unemployed so he might go for it.

cbm419: I didn't contact the police the first time he choked me.  The second time, I was so scared that I ran outside in my underwear.  It wasn't out of courage or self respect but pure fear.  Thankfully, he hasn't had a drop of alcohol since that night and that was over 2 years ago so I don't feel physically threatened... .though I probably should.  I'm in therapy trying to figure out why I accept such awful treatment.

[formflier]

Is he on the lease?

Does he pay any expenses?

I still say that you need to talk to a lawyer... asap.

I have paid tenants to leave in various situations.  Make the agreement in writing.  Two separate payments.  A small payment to sign the agreement and the balance of the agreement when all their belongings are gone.  Written receipts for both payments.

A lawyer can also help you sweeten up this agreement to protect you.

Regardless... change locks after he is gone.  Make sure you have only key.

FF

[Sufficating]

FF: No, no lease, I own the condo.  He gives me money every month to live with me at my condo.  Thanks for the ideas!

[formflier]

FF: No, no lease, I own the condo.  He gives me money every month to live with me at my condo.  Thanks for the ideas!

A lawyer in your state is going to have to answer specifics.  It is likely that he is a month to month tenant.  Where I live he would get 30 days to leave. 

Much cleaner if you can get a lawyer approved agreement for him to leave voluntarily... .vice you kicking him out.

FF