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Author Topic: Can't Deal With It Anymore  (Read 849 times)
Distressed Mothe

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« on: December 28, 2016, 04:54:09 PM »

I have reached the point with my 42 year old daughter that I just cannot take it anymore. I believe that she is undiagnosed but a psychologist who worked with her at the age of 19 told me that she had borderline personality disorder. I refused to believe it and did just about everything I could to somehow "make her life right." Two psychologists who I have worked with told me the same thing. She has stopped talking to me for the fourth time. One time she refused to speak to me for a year. I have babysat her children since they were toddlers. I have paid utility bills, monthly advance rent, all of the clothes for the girls, clothes for her, furniture for her house. I have cleaned her house and did her laundry. I have taken the girls for doctor and dentist appointments, gone to their soccer games and school events. I have helped with homework and done craft projects with them. There is nothing that she has asked me to do that I have not done. I spent $30,000 on lawyer fees when she divorced her husband and had to go back to court over child visitation and child support. She never shows any interest in my life. When she visited, she spent most of her time texting. I have watched every word that I said to her. I am either the best thing that ever happened to her or I am evil and she refuses to let me see the children. Her father behaves similarly. Right now, she wrote me an email telling me that she has disowned me and I will never see her or her children again. Unfortunately, her father supports her. He also has symptoms of a personality disorder. We have separated mostly because of problems involving the grandchildren and her. I sent the grandchildren Christmas gifts, beautiful necklaces and wrote a poem to them. She returned the necklaces. I have decided that I just cannot take it anymore. I have suffered from depression and anxiety because of her and her father's behaviors. I used to write and plead to her to let me back in her life and to let me see my grandchildren. I will not do that this time. I worry about my grandchildren. I worry that they are learning her behaviors. However, I know that there is nothing that I can do. Now, I think that I would have been better off doing nothing for her. I believe that my mother suffered from this disorder and her father certainly has many issues. Fortunately, I have a son and he and his family are very good to me. There are actually times when I wanted to commit suicide because the pain was so awful.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
wendydarling
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« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2016, 05:42:07 AM »

Hi Distressed Mothe

Hugs to you DM, I'm so sorry for what you have and are dealing with and can well understand you cannot take being treated so and taken for granted anymore

You have invested so much, unfortunately we can't fix their situations, only they can. What we can do is take care of ourselves and learn about BPD and how we can improve the relationship by changing the way we communicate through the tools and lessons to the right of the screen. These communication tools help improve all our relationships - with your sons family and your friends for example - not just pwBPD, so it's an investment for life and a positive step forward.

Have you considered a course of counselling to help you work through this? Many here have benefited and it helps with depression and anxiety so many suffer from caring for a pwBPD.

Do you have a friend you can talk to? I find it helps to write it all down and the positive support and kindness here keeps me heading in the right direction, so do keep posting we are walking with you.

WDx
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Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
heartandwhole
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« Reply #2 on: December 29, 2016, 05:51:43 AM »

Hi Distressed Mother,

Welcome

I'm so sorry that things have broken down in your relationship with your daughter. Dealing with confusing behavior and being separated from your grandchildren is so painful. I can understand your worry and feeling that you can't take it anymore.    In your shoes, I know I'd feel the same.

You've found a great place for support. Please know that you are not alone. Members here have been in similar situations and understand what you are going through. The site also has tons of tools that can make things better. You have done so much for your daughter and her children, and it can be so hard to let go.

As hard as it is, maybe now is a good time for a break to recenter and balance your mind and body. Are you taking good care of yourself, Distressed? Eating right, getting enough sleep, getting fresh air and exercise?

It's wonderful that your son and his family are so supportive. That is so important in times like these. Do you have a therapist or close friend whom you can lean on as well?

There are actually times when I wanted to commit suicide because the pain was so awful.

Have you been thinking of suicide recently?

Please keep writing. It really helps to share your feelings and thoughts. We are here to support you through this difficult time.

heartandwhole
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
HappyChappy
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« Reply #3 on: December 29, 2016, 06:26:55 AM »

Hi Distressed Mothe,

I’m so sorry that you have had to deal with all this. Dealing with a loved one with BPD is very trying and if you mother, partner and daughter have this, then that will have been a lot to endure. Sounds like you need time to heal.

When you state you have had enough, that ironically is the beginning of your healing. The behaviour you describe is not something you or anyone should have to deal with.  It sounds like you’ve been a great mother, it’s irrelevant what a BPD has to say about that, as they are programmed to continually berate and criticise.

Sounds like you have a lovely son to focus your attentions on. You also state that you can do nothing about this, which is very wise. But you can improve your own situation, buy deprogramming from all this. Have you considered a Therapist ? You mentioned you are worried how this may affect your grandchildren, well it will have effected you also.
Probably the best thing about this situation, is you can focus on what your needs are now. So what would that be ?
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Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. Wilde.
AVR1962
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« Reply #4 on: December 29, 2016, 08:14:33 AM »

DistressedMother, This is very difficult and I sure do understand. I think this is a perfect time, with all the hurts that are newly raw once again, to take time and look at the whole picture. What have you been doing that has worked? What have you been doing that has not worked? Is she only coming to you to get what she wants from you and then criticizing or withdrawing when you do not give her what she wants? You are going to have the be the one that sets that straight for her, sadly. She is not suddenly going to wake up and see how poorly she has treated you and see all the kindness you have given. You are going to have to step away. Save yourself and in the process it might save your daughter. She will keep trying to play her game but don't fall into the same trap. She has to learn to care for herself and her children.

My daughter is now 35, started acting out when her dad left us when she was 6. They had been close and he walked out and made no contact for 2 years. It completely riveted her world. I was pure h*** dealing with her and with all that I tried I was forever faulted, blamed criticized and was spoke about behind my back... .absolute lies would come out of her mouth to family members who would come to me with her stories. It hurts! When her kids came along she used them as pawns and like you mentioned did not take care of them. She sat on the couch all day texting. She was always tired, always sick and gained a bunch of weight eating her way to happiness and blaming me for it all. I finally had to let her go and stop allowing myself to be her doormat. She does not care to have a connection and as long as she wants to blame and be hurtful then there is no sense in us trying, at least that is how I see it. I no longer contact her and she only texts me on my birthday and Mother's day. She took me off her FaceBook page along with my grandkids which was the last connection I had to them. I do send my grandkids a card and $20 at Christmas but I have gone to just texting my daughter birthday wishes too. I didn't want it this way but I was doing just like yourself and making myself miserable in the process.
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Distressed Mothe

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« Reply #5 on: December 29, 2016, 11:57:28 AM »

I have seen a psychologist for 3 years now. He told me that in 20 years of practice, he had not seen such sadistic behavior from my daughter and her father. He told me that I would never have peace in my life until I got them out of mine. I separated from my husband in July. He literally tried to destroy me. I have wonderful friends who have been exceptionally supportive of me. I thank God for them and for my son and his family. My doctor changed my anti-depressant and I am feeling so much better now. I am a good person and just did not deserve the treatment I received from my daughter and my husband. He took off and is staying in our home in Florida while I am up in Pennsylvania trying to keep a farm going. I don't believe that I will have any contact with either of them. I finally am paying all of my own bills so there should be no reason for contact. I did not think that I could ever accept not seeing my daughter and not seeing my granddaughters. I have accepted it now.
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HappyChappy
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« Reply #6 on: January 03, 2017, 03:22:14 PM »

I am please you have a resolution. I went no contact with my sadistic NPD bro 3 years ago, never looked back. If someone is clinically sadistic, it can get very harrowing. My Therapist suggested I mourned the brother I should have had, i.e. a normal one. Do you think morning the daughter you should have had may help ?
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Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. Wilde.
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« Reply #7 on: January 03, 2017, 07:10:43 PM »

Dear Distressed Mother,

I can certainly relate to the pain you have endured.  Reading your last post and that you're doing so much better being on your own is very encouraging!  Independence does have its rewards.  So happy you've found peace. It gives me hope in finding some of my own.   
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Huat
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« Reply #8 on: January 03, 2017, 11:22:21 PM »

Hello Distressed Mother and welcome.

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote in your initial post.  My daughter is now 50 and her children are 25 and 28.  Since she was in her teens, life has been a roller coaster ride.  I have been her hero one moment and her nemesis the next.  I've been cut out of her life, and the lives of my grandchildren, a number of times... .the last estrangement being 4 years long.  I have felt my heart actually ache.  I have cried... .even waking in the middle of the night to cry.  For years I grieved a dream.  At my lowest point, I too though of suicide.

So, with all that said, where am I now?  I am learning how to love myself.  I will no longer be my daughter's victim.  I have opened my eyes to the fact that I have been a great Mom (still am!)... .did the best I could... .and when I knew better... .I did better.  Thanks to the research I have done on BPD... .thanks to the information gleaned from this forum, I know even better now how to deal with her and how to deal with myself.  The change, Distressed Mother, has to start with you. 

Don't get me wrong... .I still have days when I feel the invite to a pity party.  I am a Mom and this is not what I envisioned when I held that little baby in my arms 50 years ago... .but this IS what it is and it is my choice as to how I accept life... .with sadness or with gladness.  I'm 74... .enough already!  You write that you have a son with a family who are very good to you.  That is wonderful!  Feel that love as you move forward.

Keep writing!  Getting validation of your feelings is part of the healing and growing process.
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Anitra

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« Reply #9 on: January 04, 2017, 05:14:41 AM »

I recognise so much of what you write because it is happening to my husband and me too.  We have been advised to leave our adult daughter alone (because there is no hope of us changing her) and go away and mend ourselves.  This makes sense:  because her life is a catastrophe there is no sense in allowing ours to become catastrophes too, any more than they are now.  So we are trying to mend our lives and our health and focus on ourselves.
It's hard to do.  But it is the only constructive thing we can do so we work at it.
Where I find it particularly difficult to do is during her periods of 'happy' balance, when she appears to be the loving daughter we once so enjoyed.  I know this is a phase and I do not trust her at all.  There is also too much damage she has done to others that we love. 
Some advice we were given might also help you.  We feel bereaved of the daughter we once had.  She is gone.  But because she lives on it is a continuous, living bereavement.
Good luck my friend.
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« Reply #10 on: January 15, 2017, 07:13:23 AM »

Am I wrong for saying that at that age I would not be dealing with it anymore.  I know I would still be her mother, but when is enough enough?  I really thing I could and would walk away 
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
mggt
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« Reply #11 on: January 15, 2017, 08:11:02 AM »

So sad we all have similar stories especially when it comes to our grandchildren whom we loved more than anything and trying to protect them from there own parents knowing what they will do to them considering we have watched them to it to us .  Stay strong we all have been wonderful parents we know it so keep telling yourself you did all you could and this disease isnt anyones fault but we did not deserve this terrible things our children do and say to us   
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