She guilts me because I got angry

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So, our arguments usually started like this: she'd accuse me of thinking or feeling a certain way about something I didn't think or feel (that usually involved there being some disconnect between us or threat of abandonment to her), she'd get paranoid and start verbally lashing out at me, I'd try to calm her nicely and calmly, she'd refused to accept my explanation or reasoning or any kind of logic, she'd start to berate me, put me down, accuse me, I'd try again to calm her down nicely, she'd continue to berate me and dig her heels in and refuse all attempts to soothe her while she continued to belittle me for doing whatever it was that she was on about in her head. If I tried to walk away, she'd yell, "See, you are such a control freak. You think you can decide when we stop talking by walking away. I knew you'd try to pull some kind of holier than thou BS!" She'd continue to hurl insults for at least half an hour until I'd blow up. Then BOOM, she's got it. The ammunition she can now use against me and continues to use against me. We mutually decided to split up but everything is my fault. "If you had tried harder and done what I needed except the exact opposite, I would have stayed with you." She refers to her "insecurity" she knows she has and that she needs a special kind of care to snap out of it. (I maintain that even Mother Teresa would be challenged to remain calm if she started in on her, though I do recognize she's got a little bit of insight). She says I'm an angry person who has another side and I'm not who I appear to be. (This is CLASSIC projection). She uses the fact that I got angry (because she pushed an otherwise very calm, level-headed person to a cracking point) as a reason why nothing ever got better in our relationship. I've never had anything like this happen to me before and I have never, ever been a yeller. It's just not in my nature. I do take responsibility for getting angry (but maintain that I am justified in my intense frustration at what has been happening in the relationship)- and I am working on how to respond more appropriately in these very trying situations. But she knew every button to push and then probably just couldn't wait to watch me blow.

I do know this is supposed to be about detaching, but I am doing that and she is in the process of moving out. But all the while through this process (and for the whole time we've been together) she sums everything up by stating that I am not capable of giving her what she needs to calm down. She says that all of her "insecurities" would have melted away and she wouldn't get that way anymore if I had given her what she needed. I maintain, she was never going to get any better because it had already been a year and a half of this. It was actually getting worse, the closer we got. And what about how I feel? Yet still, everything centers around how I ruined the relationship by the way I reacted to her... .

Does this sound familiar to anyone? I can't seem to shake the guilt I have for not being able to control my temper better. But I just felt so trapped in a corner time and time again... .

[Me-Time]

So, our arguments usually started like this: she'd accuse me of thinking or feeling a certain way about something I didn't think or feel (that usually involved there being some disconnect between us or threat of abandonment to her), she'd get paranoid and start verbally lashing out at me, I'd try to calm her nicely and calmly, she'd refused to accept my explanation or reasoning or any kind of logic, she'd start to berate me, put me down, accuse me, I'd try again to calm her down nicely, she'd continue to berate me and dig her heels in and refuse all attempts to soothe her while she continued to belittle me for doing whatever it was that she was on about in her head. If I tried to walk away, she'd yell, "See, you are such a control freak. You think you can decide when we stop talking by walking away. I knew you'd try to pull some kind of holier than thou BS!" She'd continue to hurl insults for at least half an hour until I'd blow up. Then BOOM, she's got it. The ammunition she can now use against me and continues to use against me. We mutually decided to split up but everything is my fault. "If you had tried harder and done what I needed except the exact opposite, I would have stayed with you." She refers to her "insecurity" she knows she has and that she needs a special kind of care to snap out of it. (I maintain that even Mother Teresa would be challenged to remain calm if she started in on her, though I do recognize she's got a little bit of insight). She says I'm an angry person who has another side and I'm not who I appear to be. (This is CLASSIC projection). She uses the fact that I got angry (because she pushed an otherwise very calm, level-headed person to a cracking point) as a reason why nothing ever got better in our relationship. I've never had anything like this happen to me before and I have never, ever been a yeller. It's just not in my nature. I do take responsibility for getting angry (but maintain that I am justified in my intense frustration at what has been happening in the relationship)- and I am working on how to respond more appropriately in these very trying situations. But she knew every button to push and then probably just couldn't wait to watch me blow.

I do know this is supposed to be about detaching, but I am doing that and she is in the process of moving out. But all the while through this process (and for the whole time we've been together) she sums everything up by stating that I am not capable of giving her what she needs to calm down. She says that all of her "insecurities" would have melted away and she wouldn't get that way anymore if I had given her what she needed. I maintain, she was never going to get any better because it had already been a year and a half of this. It was actually getting worse, the closer we got. And what about how I feel? Yet still, everything centers around how I ruined the relationship by the way I reacted to her... .

Does this sound familiar to anyone? I can't seem to shake the guilt I have for not being able to control my temper better. But I just felt so trapped in a corner time and time again... .

[michel71]

Hey Me-Time... .what are you doing with my wife? LOL

[michel71]

Same story Me-Time! That is the story of my relationship. I was punished for getting angry or arguing with her even. It had to be her way or the highway. But yeah, she would push me to the brink. Figuratively speaking, if I brought out a knife, she would bring out a bazooka.

Like you I would lose my cool after taking it time and time again. I got tired of bending over.

And the projection... .CLASSIC AND HORRIBLE. It got to the point where I reached out to close friends because I didn't know who I was anymore. Was I really that person that she said I was? And that made her furious that I would reveal details of our marriage problems to others. It was betrayal in her eyes. She refused to see that I could not come to her for support and that I was dying slowly.

[ynwa]

Me-time,  all BPD correctness aside, hell yes I agree... .

Thank you for making me smile.  I know at times this board gets heavy, as it is about serious situations, but seeing someone express themselves as I feel helps me step back and realize that my FOG is lifting.  And michel71 has already expressed things I'm feeling.

[Me-Time]

Wow, guys, thanks a bunch for the validation. I, too, had started to feel like maybe I was the evil person she made me out to be. Like if I hadn't lost my cool maybe this really would have stopped happening. She keeps saying, "It was HOW you reacted to me that caused the problem." (Oh, gosh, just typing that I see that I actually hadn't caught that classic projection line all this time!) In any case, I was always calm at first. But it was her relentless berating that made me snap. And then I'd feel guilty. And the thing is, she knows who I am. And she knows I'm the kind of person who can be made to feel guilty, so she used it against me. I handed her the tool she needed to keep me hooked. It really was that guilt that allowed her to charm me back in twice. I had made it my mission to conquer my anger and resolved that I would feel good about leaving the relationship if I had given it my all and not shown an ounce of anger and given her all the coddling she was begging me for. That was how I would feel like I hadn't contributed to the problem. After a while I decided, I shouldn't have to do that for someone and I shouldn't be asked to do that. Furthermore, no amount of coddling seemed to make her happy. I deserve to be treated well and allowed to work through problems like the healthy individual I am.

Thanks again for your help. Sorry that we all have a similar story, but also, yeah, it really is helpful to see others who have gone through the same thing.

[Rayban]

Been there to towards the end.  Should have tried harder. I was angry person etc. Shortly after, hints that she was someone else.

[Duped 1]

Interesting Me Time and hits all too close to home. I fought back and reprimanded mine for too long when I should have walked away. There was a poont in the rs when I said; "look I'm starting to fight mean and dirty like you now". She also said our biggest problem was my reactions to her. She was completely faultless

[michel71]

Interesting Me Time and hits all too close to home. I fought back and reprimanded mine for too long when I should have walked away. There was a poont in the rs when I said; "look I'm starting to fight mean and dirty like you now". She also said our biggest problem was my reactions to her. She was completely faultless

Yes me too Duped. Same story. Classic projection and gaslighting. Circular arguments. I engaged far too much. Really wasn't successful with the tools if I am honest. Nothing seemed to work with her. But I could have tried harder to de-escalate situations and didn't especially as time went on and I was more bitter.

[aj4599]

She keeps saying, "It was HOW you reacted to me that caused the problem." (Oh, gosh, just typing that I see that I actually hadn't caught that classic projection line all this time!) In any case, I was always calm at first. But it was her relentless berating that made me snap. And then I'd feel guilty.

This line. "It's HOW you react that caused the problem." If I never hear that again it'll be too soon.

The refusal to take any responsibility. And once an argument begins, the prodding and nasty comments, even when you're trying to stay calm or quiet, until you finally do lose your temper or say something back. And then that line.

I too had started to believe I was crazy, or had some issue with my temper, or was some insecure person fraught with anxiety. Even when it came out that she had been cheating on me for months, that the things I initially got upset over were all indicators of her actually doing something wrong (many somethings, over and over)... .she still says that her lies and cheating had NOTHING to do with our problems and it was all my reactions to her.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this also. It is terrible.

[Duped 1]

Same story Me-Time! That is the story of my relationship. I was punished for getting angry or arguing with her even. It had to be her way or the highway. But yeah, she would push me to the brink. Figuratively speaking, if I brought out a knife, she would bring out a bazooka.

I can so relate to the knife vs the bazooka. There were no boundaries or limits when she would fight and she fought to win and didn't consider the long term consequences or damage. She would say the nastiest thing she could possibly think of.  She would badmouth me to her family when fighting as well

[lovenature]

Yes very familiar; I continually accepted the senseless, irrational behaviour and tried so hard to make it work, until I had enough and started pushing back. Keep reading and learning, you shouldn't feel guilty about how you reacted to her, think about how you both treated each other overall. Remember that we were dealing with a serious mental illness running it's course.

[Me-Time]

Thanks, lovenature. I guess I just prided myself on being sensitive and understanding and empathetic. And when I couldn't be that and lost my temper, I was very disappointed in myself. I just keep telling myself, I'm not a saint. Damn near it for putting up with this for so long, but I'm just not perfect.

[Aesir]

She was the only person who could get angry or outraged. If I said anything back forcefully I was wrong or abusive. If I behaved the way that she did towards me it would be scandalous.

[Me-Time]

So, so true, Aesir. It's the story of my entire relationship.

[talks to angels]

Ah the memories. I got yelled at in the relationship for having feelings. If I calmly stated something he did (surround other girls) hurt my feelings or makes me feel insignificant, He would Yell and I cant even count how many times he stated that "no one can make you feel a certain way" "It is all in your head" and in the end I would feel guilty and apologize.
Wonder how many people end up in mental hospitals just from extended exposure to BPD's?