My older kids go straight to their room for their stay except meals- normal?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Divorce is not over yet (11 months in), but I am starting to get to see the kids with a some limited regularity. The older kids go straight to their room for their entire stay (17, 15, 12, 10).  It could be just for the day or the weekend. They are polite but very cold and distant.  I am not a big talker either but they were much different before divorce.  I invite them to watch a movie, game, invite a friend over, run some errands, go out to eat, etc -- anything to get to get them out of the room.  Their answer is , 'no', I am fine, I am good, and so forth.  Anybody experience this?  how long did it last?  There is severe alienation that was recognized and reported by the custody evaluator as emotional abuse, but I got 50/50 (increase) from about only seeing them 10 /90. 

Only my 8yr and my 6yr old treat me the same and are just as fun as before.   

My 10 year is the most mouthy with me who has been over the top rude and entitled stating she does not have to say what I ask her (please and thank you), see her IPAD, etc.  I challenge what she says but it does not do anything but make her more rigid. 

[Sluggo]

Divorce is not over yet (11 months in), but I am starting to get to see the kids with a some limited regularity. The older kids go straight to their room for their entire stay (17, 15, 12, 10).  It could be just for the day or the weekend. They are polite but very cold and distant.  I am not a big talker either but they were much different before divorce.  I invite them to watch a movie, game, invite a friend over, run some errands, go out to eat, etc -- anything to get to get them out of the room.  Their answer is , 'no', I am fine, I am good, and so forth.  Anybody experience this?  how long did it last?  There is severe alienation that was recognized and reported by the custody evaluator as emotional abuse, but I got 50/50 (increase) from about only seeing them 10 /90. 

Only my 8yr and my 6yr old treat me the same and are just as fun as before.   

My 10 year is the most mouthy with me who has been over the top rude and entitled stating she does not have to say what I ask her (please and thank you), see her IPAD, etc.  I challenge what she says but it does not do anything but make her more rigid. 

[Thomas0311]

How long ago was the switch to 50/50 put in place?  It's difficult not to take the cold shoulder personally, but I would guess this has a lot more to do with the children coping/adapting to the change in schedule.  Their familiarity with their 'routine' and what have you in the 90% time they were spending at the other home.  It's highly unfair to you, trying to be the best parent you can be.  If you continue to do so eventually they'll recognize it, and your love for them.  They need that more than anything.  My children are young (5 and almost 8), but I coached HS aged kids for years and recognized just how different those stages are. A big part of development is forming their own identity and unfortunately this can often involve disconnecting from parents and working to have their own space and time.

I'm trying to think of ideas that you can get them to come out and participate in... .have you considered getting the older children move involved in the younger children's lives.  Maybe teach them to cook, or help you cook, and for one another. Turn lessons into family time. It's reasonable to expect your children to help out around the house, so finding fun ways to make chores a family time thing... .

Sorry you're going through this, but I'm sure it can only get better!

[Sluggo]

Thomas0311,

Thanks for the comments and suggestions. I think the hardest part is like you said not to take it personally and try to see it from their point of view.  I will incorporate the cooking idea... . 

Thanks,

[bravhart1]

Teens can be tricky anyways. Try to assume some of it is normal teen behaviour, like the obsession with the phone.
Look for the "moments" they seem open to talking, etc., try to be ultra aware of how you respond, be more curious than opinionated

Try to let them talk, draw them out (very carefully as not to alert them to your intent )

I'm being funny, but I have raised five teens and it's a tightrope at times. It will pass. Stay interested in what's up with them and "fascinated" by their thoughts, even when they are wacky. Thoughts aren't forever with teens, I just let them tell me for example how much they want that tattoo, but as of yet, none of them have one. ( not against tattoos, just the random example). If I had said "NO!, I'll never agree to a tattoo" I would have shut them down.
But instead say, oh really, what would you get? Do any of your friends want one? What would they get? ... .and now I learn about them, their friends, and they feel I'm listening and get them.
Hope this helps, good luck.

[Portent]

Same thing with my 9 year old stepson. He retreats to his room and plays on his ipad. When we go out and do something you he is very outgoing and playful. As we get closer to home you can literally see him start to shutdown as he knows his mother was going to be there.

When my wife drove drunk with the kids from an event and had the cops called on her my mom told me that my stepdaughter was balling but my stepson was "smilling like the Cheshire Cat just ate the cannery."

[enlighten me]

There will be a bit of split loyalty going on. Sounds like D10 is backing her mum. It could be her mums told her stuff like your wanting to take her away from her or it could be she doesn't want to upset mum by having fun at yours. A little chat reassuring them that just because you and their mum have split up it doesn't mean that you will try and take them away from her might help.

The difficulty you have is the age differences. Your 17yo will have different interests to your 6yo so finding something they all want to do is hard. Maybe getting them to choose an activity could work. You could get each child to choose an activity in turn