Hi, I'm in a mess

[smallroom]

Hi,

I started seeing my (ex)girlfriend (I don't even know right now) in April.  She is married but is unofficially separated from her husband.

We hit it off amazingly.  Like we already knew each other.  We actually went to the same high school but didn't ever speak to each other. We are both in our 30s now.

Her first fit of rage came out of nowhere.  She criticized how I was living, who my friends were. Accused me of using her. Everything I'm sure everyone here is familiar with.  She would storm out and then go on a texting rampage.  If I didn't answer she would make ultimatum statements like how my silence obviously means I don't care etc.

Then a day or two would go by and she would want to get together.  I was completely confused.  She would have all of these explanations for why she acted the way she did and how I needed to apologize.  She was going through a lot. Her grandmother was on her deathbed. A very important person in her life.  But she was attacking me personally. I approached it with humor at first. Then one night whole we were laying in bed she said how she was going to sabotage the relationship.  She went on to tell me how I was using her and manipulating her. She stormed out.  Then for days she would nonstop text me.  At first continuing the rage.  Then slowly but surely turning to how I just needed to apologize. The longer I kept quiet the more she would go on, eventually throwing herself at my mercy, saying she'll do whatever I wanted to proceed.

Without making this too long, there were many other incidents like this.  Every time I would do my best to remain calm and it seemed like it would only begin to slow down when I gave in and became agitated.

The calm stretches were really great and I loved being with her.  Somehow I agreed to moving in with her.  That was in October. After many more breakups and demands for apologies for things I didn't do.

The past two and a half months have felt like years.  She must have packed up all of her things and left them on the bedroom floor 5 or 6 times.  It wasn't until we moved in together that she started getting physical.  She would forcefully poke my sternum.  Punch at my legs.  Pull all of the sheets from the bed off of me.  That's when I lost it and held her down.  I've never done anything like that in my life.  She screamed at the top of her lungs.  She threatened to call the police if I ever touched her again.  Even trying to mention what she did to lead up to it was pointless.

We made up, again. 

Many more fits would happen.  One time she accused me of going through her phone because I noticed it wasn't plugged in when I was going to work so I did and made sure the alarm was on.  For days she insisted I was spying on her.

The cycle became clear.  She would have a fit.  Then follow that by a day or two of silence. Then she would want to talk and insist that I apologize for what I had done.  Then at some point, like a thunderstorm ending,  the sun came out and she was back to normal.

After her 2nd to last fit and packing all of her stuff, she abruptly poked me awake while sleeping on the couch and wanted to touch me and wanted to talk.  It made me so uneasy.  To be yelled at and poked at one moment then quietly talked to and tenderly touched.  It's a very confusing feeling.

She asked why this keeps happening.  I had purchased 'The Essential Family Guide' a couple weeks earlier and finally just told her she has BPD.  She smiled and said no, I looked it up, I don't have that.  I read from the book.  She put her head down and started crying.  She said, I can't believe I have a mental disorder.  I said it's ok, I'm here for you.  She asked, why? I have a mental disorder. Then thanked me for figuring out what was wrong.  She even said, I think this exact moment is the reason we met.

For almost two weeks things were perfectly fine.  We should have sought out treatment but with work and things seeming fine, it just slipped by.

Another fit started one night.  I tried to hug her and get her to stop. She poked me hard in the sternum.  Then as she was walking away she elbowed me. 

I told her she wasn't talking to me with respect so I needed to leave, trying to set a boundary.  She continued berating me then stood in front of the door
 I said she wasn't treating me with respect so I had to go. When I tried to leave she grabbed the door handle.  I grabbed her and tried to move her as,she struggled then stumbled off to the side.

I texted her afterwards, after reading from the book.  I told her I didn't like how the exchange was going.  She told me she locked all the doors and I shouldn't come back.  I told her I live there. I did go back. I had to unlock the door so I could get pj's and a blanket.

The next day she sent me an x-ray of a fracture in her toe.  She told me I bruised her and broke her toe.  I told her if she would get diagnosed for BPD I would be right behind her otherwise we had to stop.

She reported the incident to the police.  She didn't press charges but in our county any domestic dispute requires an arrest.  I was arrested in my own home for assault and battery because I was attempting to leave a volatile situation.

I moved out of the apartment and had an emergency protective order put on me.  The whole situation is totally surreal.

She is going to make a statement that she isn't afraid of me to have the charges dropped but is now upset with me for 'telling all of these people that she's mental'.  She's completely denying the disorder and claiming that I need anger management.

I am still in love with her and all of this is awful. I don't want to give up on her but my own well being is in danger.  I am so utterly confused.

Thank you so much for listening.  It has been an extremely challenging 8 months to say the least.

[Larmoyant]

Hi smallroom, I am so sorry for the circumstances, but would like to welcome you to BPD family. The dynamics you describe are so very familiar and you will find much understanding here. I can imagine how shaken and confused you must feel having been arrested and it highlights how dangerous the situation can get when a pwBPD dysregulated. Please keep reading and posting as we are here to help and support you through all the confusion. Is there a Court date scheduled?  

[ynwa]

Hello small room,

Welcome to the board, and it's great to see you coming here to get through this. Your story is something I can relate to and I know it's hard to work through this. Take time for yourself, and process how you feel.

Part of being supportive of your loved one, is being supportive of yourself.  First.

[Lucky Jim]

I am still in love with her and all of this is awful. I don't want to give up on her but my own well being is in danger.  I am so utterly confused.

Hey small room, A BPD r/s can be likened to an addiction in the sense that one knows it's unhealthy, yet one still desires to do it.  You're right, it is awful.  No, you can't jeopardize your own well-being.  That's your boundary.  Time to honor yourself and that boundary.

LJ

[smallroom]

Thank you so much for your replies.  Since writing this we did get together and talk about what happened.  We spent New Year's together as well.  She's going to go with me to the arraignment and after the trial is set she is going to plead to have the charges dropped again.

I told her that all of this was extremely difficult but I was willing to work it out.  The problem is that she is now denying possibly having the disorder.  She is claiming that she only agreed that she might because she was tired of arguing.  I already have a back up plan for the court case in the event that she suddenly changes her mind.  I'm living with a friend now and plan to while we work things out.

The thing is, this experience actually is becoming a good thing for me because I am making it so.  I'm using it to practice compassion and how to remain calm in a bad situation.  Obviously getting the charges dropped is number one priority.

I can see already how she is pushing the boundaries.  After the first day we spent together she started saying I could take her second set of keys and come over whenever I wanted.  I said no to that.  I could see the keys being something taken away and given back repeatedly, like her car key when we lived together.

She's most concerned with what my parents think about her.  I tried explaining that this is about us and I'm at a point in my life where I don't care what my parents think.  After emailing them, telling them our plan to live separately and work it out my mother said she would try but the trust was broken and it will be difficult.

After that, my lover told me that she's having a hard time with it and is feeling very defensive and doesn't want to say things to me she'll regret.

I'm paying very close attention to how I am reacting.  I agree, it is like drug addiction but much more complicated.  I had started getting used to the breakdowns and taking them with a grain of salt. Inevitably they would pass and we could move on.  Ironically, this last time I could see it coming but things still got out of hand.

I see all of this as a major challenge.  I honestly think of the parents whose daughter was brutally killed in South Africa and they went there and helped the community, even her killers.  I aspire to that level of compassion and courage.  My situation is nowhere near that extreme and thinking of it keeps me humble.

I will continue to keep my space from her even as she tries to close in on it.  I do love her and it is my decision to navigate this rocky terrain.  My goal is to figure out how to get her an actual diagnosis and proper treatment.  I want her to be able to have a normal life with or without me.

Like I said, the focus now is getting the charges dropped and having my own safe place to live.  Then I can think about continuing.