Questions

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I find myself asking the following questions.

1.  If I love her as much as I do, then why did I leave the house.
     this ties into number 3, is it ok to love her as much and not be there, maybe even let her go. I can only listen and help, cant fix this, even if I had all the correct responses, validation, solid boundaries does not mean we would not have ended right were we are now.

2. Why did I not fight to say in the house.
    response to her demands, end of the line. I submitted, under reacted. 

3. I feel guilty for leaving when I told her I would never leave her.
    my guilt is knowing she is not her self, I am now trying to come to terms with her uBPD.

maybe im moving in to the next category. Perhaps these are self reflection from my therapist appointment last night.

[Wayno]

I find myself asking the following questions.

1.  If I love her as much as I do, then why did I leave the house.
     this ties into number 3, is it ok to love her as much and not be there, maybe even let her go. I can only listen and help, cant fix this, even if I had all the correct responses, validation, solid boundaries does not mean we would not have ended right were we are now.

2. Why did I not fight to say in the house.
    response to her demands, end of the line. I submitted, under reacted. 

3. I feel guilty for leaving when I told her I would never leave her.
    my guilt is knowing she is not her self, I am now trying to come to terms with her uBPD.

maybe im moving in to the next category. Perhaps these are self reflection from my therapist appointment last night.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Wayno,

OK, I'll take a crack at answering your questions:

1.  I don't doubt your love for her, but that doesn't mean you should live without boundaries, respect and kindness for one another.  To put it another way, I wonder whether you love yourself enough to put your foot down when it comes to abuse from someone you love.

2.  I doubt the outcome would have changed, even if you had fought to stay in the house.

3.  I submit that one need not feel guilty for protecting oneself.  Sometimes one's loyalty can be misplaced in a BPD r/s, and leaving might be a healthy thing.  Sure, we all hope we can stay with someone forever, but the reality is that sometimes it doesn't work out, despite our best efforts.

If I may make a suggestion: Don't beat yourself up!

LuckyJim

[Wayno]

I will print this and place on my wall and a copy for my wallet. Thank you.

[Wayno]

Your response for the first time makes me cry over this, sadness, hurt, sorrow, disbelief, compassion, anger all for one person who I would gladly sacrifice for. I'm a mess, never have been though this, I have been physically punched, kick, drop down fight in my law enforcement career, shot in the hand, blood clots, all that fail's in comparison to the emotional roller-coaster of this.  I cant imagine what it is to be a prisoner in your own thoughts, feelings, all of this stated from childhood by a father who should not be walking around, nor a mom who stood back and did nothing. I completely understand her trauma, at the end of the day I cannot hold her responsible. Perhaps for my well being I should.

Wayno   

[SamwizeGamgee]

Fear isn't love.  Guilt isn't love.  Obligation isn't love.  Just my observation that your decision to leave doesn't run contrary to your love. 

[ynwa]

I completely understand her trauma, at the end of the day I cannot hold her responsible. Perhaps for my well being I should.

Wayno   

Hey wayno, there is no doubt you are shaken by this right?  You. Right now you have to come first.  You mentioned the roller coaster, and after that ride you need to get your footing before anything else. 

you ARE going through this, and it takes time. Can you try not being so hard yourself?