It's All About Control

[rosesarered777]

I know I used to ask questions as to where she went years ago or text her if she was gone mysteriously for 3-8H without her responding. She sometimes said she was hanging with friends and drinking, which I believed at the time but it was entirely possible she was cheating with a male friend. She did not seem any nicer towards me when I next saw her.

I never thought that showing concern when she disappeared was being too clingy myself but she would spin it as being "too possessive", "too clingy", or "too controlling". I knew that this was a way of her getting her way no matter what and making it seem like I was the one with the weird behaviours.

Now that it seems like I will be far, far away from her very soon. It makes me wonder how she will attempt to reel me back under her thumb? If you have been following my previous posts, she has found a replacement after we legally separated but the 'band-aid relationship' probably won't last for much longer. I cannot contact her even if I wanted to and really should move on before things get anymore legally harmful for my future! However, after reading so many stories of BPD's returning, I am worried that she will reachout one day and claim I was "perfect" again and want kids. She already lied to me about taking medication for her condition and that was a costly mistake for all involved.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey roses-

However, after reading so many stories of BPD's returning, I am worried that she will reachout one day and claim I was "perfect" again and want kids.

The best defense against that, like many things, is a good offense.  If you move forward with your detachment, take your power back, which is a big chunk of detachment, recenter and reground yourself, and move towards an empowered life of your own creation, what she does or doesn't do becomes irrelevant.  And if she does show up you will be looking at her with different, more empowered eyes, and you can do whatever you want from that place.  Plus, my experience, if we have the opportunity to reengage with our exes somewhere down the road, once we've detached, grown and educated ourselves on the disorder, nothing the borderline uses works anymore, it all becomes transparent, and therefore powerless, and in my case pretty pathetic.

Have you checked in with the stages of detachment over there ----------->
lately?  Where are you in that today?

[Monty]

Hey rosesarered,

When my relationship with my BPD girlfriend ended, I wasn't afraid that she WOULD contact me. I was afraid that she WOULD NOT. She replaced me before our relationship ended by just shutting me out and I desperately wanted her to acknowledge how much she loved me and wanted me back in her life. I wanted to know that I mattered and that our relationship mattered. I heard the stories about how they almost always try to reel us back in and fantasized for months about us reconciling as soulmates, lovers, friends, anything. I convinced myself that she was with my replacement but didn't love him like she did me and that she would soon come to her senses and come back to the only man who truly loved her and who was willing to do anything to make her happy.

Looking back, I can see that my thinking was just as twisted and unhealthy as hers was. You probably can't see that just yet but I hope that you will at least consider the possibility. If you can do that much, I believe you will be a step closer to freedom from the torture you are going through.

Hang in there. --Monty