Being Led On by A Best Friend Who I Suspect Has BPD

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Hi Everyone,

I may have been dealt the cards of life that gave me BPD individual who is a friend of a friend. It starts with her reaching out to me last year during the springtime because she is interviewing at a school that I currently attend. I specifically remember her telling me that she was going to be arriving to interview later during the week, then asking if we could be roommates. I was slightly startled/slightly amused when she said to me. Initially, I was confident that it was a flirty gesture, but she was actually being serious. In any case, this girl has a long-distance boyfriend, so I wonder if her actions were motivated by some intense fear of abandonment.

In any case, later on in the early summer, I get an invitation to come over her place, which becomes the start of a powerful friendship. We hung out essentially every single day, drink together, even made out a few times, and before the end of the summer, I recognized that I had feelings for her. I told her this, but she did not feel the same way, so I asked for a week of space to clear my conscious.

Given what I now realize are codependent tendencies, I suppress my feelings and continue to spend time with her openly and willingly at the start of school, recognizing the struggles of being thrown into a new environment where you essentially know nobody. This is where I'm at odds with myself; this sort of situation may have been the perfect stew to fuel some sort of hero complex that I have; mind you, she is still in a long-distance relationship (which she constantly hints will end). She continues to treat me as her very good friend, but the same sort of summer situation transpires, where she would ask to come over to my apartment. The one day she came over, she started to blatantly flirt with me, which includes sitting on my bed, fueling my ego (i.e. saying things like, 'What would I do without you here', and later moved into cuddling... .

By the end of one month, dumbfounded at this girls underlying intentions, I ask her to come cuddle with me, and as she is about to, I stop her and tell her that I believe she is emotionally cheating on me with her long distance boyfriend. I also confront her about how she had willingly engaged in kissing me while still in a relationship over the summer. She reacts in a very victimized manner, asking "Am I a bad girlfriend?" and I respond by telling her that "I think you are just confused... ."

Meanwhile, as we continue to text, she asks me if we could come out to study again, and so I reply that I am busy. She responds in a manner that was quite different, something along the lines of: "I don't like being ignored." (I read somewhere that if a girl with BPD starts to demonstrate her core tendencies, she likely also has feelings, or I am at least her FP). Because of my feelings for her, I confront her about her heightened reaction, re-confess my feelings, and she continues to deny her feelings for me. I tell her that I may need to take three weeks of space to search my emotions (which I didn't regret at the time, as I would have liked to at least stay friends).

Three days later, a text saying "I miss you. Please we need to hang out." I accept her offer dumbfounded at how deep my romantic feelings were because I wasn't given appropriate time to grieve her. We don't hang out, but I get ideation texts that were highly inappropriate given what she knows to be true about me: I'm trying to process my emotions. These texts were extremely dangerous, saying "You are so smart/funny, etc," and "Let's get old together and work at the same place!" She continuously flirts, so I think again that there may be some romantic intentions on her part at play.

I invite her to a formal, which ends in us drinking, her writing "I love you" down my arms in a pen, as well as writing "I cut my wrists" on my wrists (a deeply scarring memory for me). She also told me she was sexually abused. She continues to ask me to 'use her' inappropriately while drunk.

The next morning, she wakes up profusely apologizing that she told me these details, I told her I would keep her secrets safe, then later that same day, told me we could not be 'friends' anymore. I reckon that her boyfriend likely told her to cut contact with me. I confront her two days later, after reading up on sexual abuse/wrist cutting, BPD psychology, and thank for feeling as though she can confide in me. I also tell her what happened to her as a child (sexual abuse) was not her fault, which she actually didn't agree with (also very startling for me).

In any case, I may have reacted in a deliberate manner after this. I instantly knew I needed some temporary closure: It was really hard for me to carry on a conversation about what happened objectively while also recognizing and internalizing my rejection. In any case, she denied feelings for me once again, but also seriously asked her why she acted the way she does towards me. I think her compulsive lying tendencies kicked into high gear, and she had an explanation for everything. Why do you cuddle? "I have a lot of gay friends that I can with." Why do you ignore your boyfriends texts when you are with me? "We aren't fighting I just don't like to text him all the time." I tell her no talking to me during the holidays, she may contact me platonically after New Years. I remove her from my life, and start to feel the effects of breakup after the first 3 days. It comes in waves. In any case, I think I want to remove her from my life completely if she reinitiates contact because given what I know now, I may be enabling some sort of behavior by sticking around in her life, and with my romantic feelings unrequited.

I can maybe attest to others who say that it is a little life sucking to have a BPD friend, and my ego feels a little stung. I also feel pretty guilty, glad that I learned a little bit more about my own That isn't to say I don't think I won't be cured. Each day has been better then the previous. There are so many extra dimensions to this sort of emotional affair that transpired. Just wanted to vent, and get this out there as part of my own journey of healing.

Thanks!

[mindlessdog58]

Hi Everyone,

I may have been dealt the cards of life that gave me BPD individual who is a friend of a friend. It starts with her reaching out to me last year during the springtime because she is interviewing at a school that I currently attend. I specifically remember her telling me that she was going to be arriving to interview later during the week, then asking if we could be roommates. I was slightly startled/slightly amused when she said to me. Initially, I was confident that it was a flirty gesture, but she was actually being serious. In any case, this girl has a long-distance boyfriend, so I wonder if her actions were motivated by some intense fear of abandonment.

In any case, later on in the early summer, I get an invitation to come over her place, which becomes the start of a powerful friendship. We hung out essentially every single day, drink together, even made out a few times, and before the end of the summer, I recognized that I had feelings for her. I told her this, but she did not feel the same way, so I asked for a week of space to clear my conscious.

Given what I now realize are codependent tendencies, I suppress my feelings and continue to spend time with her openly and willingly at the start of school, recognizing the struggles of being thrown into a new environment where you essentially know nobody. This is where I'm at odds with myself; this sort of situation may have been the perfect stew to fuel some sort of hero complex that I have; mind you, she is still in a long-distance relationship (which she constantly hints will end). She continues to treat me as her very good friend, but the same sort of summer situation transpires, where she would ask to come over to my apartment. The one day she came over, she started to blatantly flirt with me, which includes sitting on my bed, fueling my ego (i.e. saying things like, 'What would I do without you here', and later moved into cuddling... .

By the end of one month, dumbfounded at this girls underlying intentions, I ask her to come cuddle with me, and as she is about to, I stop her and tell her that I believe she is emotionally cheating on me with her long distance boyfriend. I also confront her about how she had willingly engaged in kissing me while still in a relationship over the summer. She reacts in a very victimized manner, asking "Am I a bad girlfriend?" and I respond by telling her that "I think you are just confused... ."

Meanwhile, as we continue to text, she asks me if we could come out to study again, and so I reply that I am busy. She responds in a manner that was quite different, something along the lines of: "I don't like being ignored." (I read somewhere that if a girl with BPD starts to demonstrate her core tendencies, she likely also has feelings, or I am at least her FP). Because of my feelings for her, I confront her about her heightened reaction, re-confess my feelings, and she continues to deny her feelings for me. I tell her that I may need to take three weeks of space to search my emotions (which I didn't regret at the time, as I would have liked to at least stay friends).

Three days later, a text saying "I miss you. Please we need to hang out." I accept her offer dumbfounded at how deep my romantic feelings were because I wasn't given appropriate time to grieve her. We don't hang out, but I get ideation texts that were highly inappropriate given what she knows to be true about me: I'm trying to process my emotions. These texts were extremely dangerous, saying "You are so smart/funny, etc," and "Let's get old together and work at the same place!" She continuously flirts, so I think again that there may be some romantic intentions on her part at play.

I invite her to a formal, which ends in us drinking, her writing "I love you" down my arms in a pen, as well as writing "I cut my wrists" on my wrists (a deeply scarring memory for me). She also told me she was sexually abused. She continues to ask me to 'use her' inappropriately while drunk.

The next morning, she wakes up profusely apologizing that she told me these details, I told her I would keep her secrets safe, then later that same day, told me we could not be 'friends' anymore. I reckon that her boyfriend likely told her to cut contact with me. I confront her two days later, after reading up on sexual abuse/wrist cutting, BPD psychology, and thank for feeling as though she can confide in me. I also tell her what happened to her as a child (sexual abuse) was not her fault, which she actually didn't agree with (also very startling for me).

In any case, I may have reacted in a deliberate manner after this. I instantly knew I needed some temporary closure: It was really hard for me to carry on a conversation about what happened objectively while also recognizing and internalizing my rejection. In any case, she denied feelings for me once again, but also seriously asked her why she acted the way she does towards me. I think her compulsive lying tendencies kicked into high gear, and she had an explanation for everything. Why do you cuddle? "I have a lot of gay friends that I can with." Why do you ignore your boyfriends texts when you are with me? "We aren't fighting I just don't like to text him all the time." I tell her no talking to me during the holidays, she may contact me platonically after New Years. I remove her from my life, and start to feel the effects of breakup after the first 3 days. It comes in waves. In any case, I think I want to remove her from my life completely if she reinitiates contact because given what I know now, I may be enabling some sort of behavior by sticking around in her life, and with my romantic feelings unrequited.

I can maybe attest to others who say that it is a little life sucking to have a BPD friend, and my ego feels a little stung. I also feel pretty guilty, glad that I learned a little bit more about my own That isn't to say I don't think I won't be cured. Each day has been better then the previous. There are so many extra dimensions to this sort of emotional affair that transpired. Just wanted to vent, and get this out there as part of my own journey of healing.

Thanks!

[gotbushels]

Hello mindlessdog58 

Being in a relationship with a person whom we interpret as having BPD traits can be difficult. It can be stressful trying to figure out how to behave with a person who is in a relationship that we then develop a close friendship with. This stress has a greater effect when people are being displaced by their studies.

By the end of one month, dumbfounded at this girls underlying intentions, I ask her to come cuddle with me, and as she is about to, I stop her and tell her that I believe she is emotionally cheating on me with her long distance boyfriend.

What do you mean by being dumbfounded by this person's intentions? What intentions do you mean?

I hope you're feeling better. 

[mindlessdog58]

What do you mean by being dumbfounded by this person's intentions? What intentions do you mean?

Well, part of her allure was simply having an understanding of how she functions; I already knew she was way more of a 'loving/caring/exciting/charming' person than I had ever come into contact at that point, and I couldn't place it, but I just knew something was off. At this point, I was thinking, does she have romantic feelings? The fact that she was open to cuddling, and then subtly offered oral sex soon after, was when I had to stop her in her tracks in order to tell her that she was being very insincere.

From reading up on BPD, I think I have a better understanding of her underlying intentions. Because she's in a long distance relationship, she feels very scared at the prospect of abandonment, so I believe subconsciously or otherwise, she is looking for another potential mate while still in a relationship. While this is seriously disingenuous to her boyfriend, to her she likely sees so fault in the logic given a stunted capacity for empathy and her own 'selfish' desires/survival mechanisms. She feels comfortable using seduction to avoid abandonment.

[gotbushels]

Ok.

mindlessdog58 I'm genuinely not sure what the confusing part of her behaviour is.

From your description, it looks like she wanted to cuddle, then there were indications that she wanted sexual activity.

My understanding of how this is confusing is that she wanted to perform sexual activity with you despite being in a relationship. Is that right?


I agree that long distance relationships can cause feelings of isolation. Many people feel isolated in a college environment. It might be a bit of a far jump to call this abandonment.

Based on your description of her behaviour with you, it does appear that she doesn't value her commitment and loyalty in her relationship. I can see how this can go against what her boyfriend may expect. People generally value loyalty.

It may be that in these moments, she's not thinking of her boyfriend's interests. I'd consider here that her behaviour doesn't necessarily mean she has a stunted capacity to empathise.


I don't want to downplay your thoughts on how things are--and they may well be accurate--but I think it might be helpful to you to see that sometimes people move closer together without seduction. Sometimes people move closer together because they're lonely, not to flee from abandonment.

This all said, what does this mean for you, is this someone you want to be around? If so, in what relationship?

[mindlessdog58]

This all said, what does this mean for you, is this someone you want to be around? If so, in what relationship?

It's been a few more months after removing her from my life, I reach out to her once more to question her about her love for me, and she said 'Yes, I've really only missed you as a friend these past few month. If i Really loved you, do you think I would go through the pain of not being with you?" She was nice about it; said that she would do whatever it was that I wanted her to do. I told her that I thought the relationship was asymmetric, and so I deleted her number and am currently healing. The pain is nowhere near the level that it was once before, and I'm getting way better at sitting with my emotions.

[marti644]

Mindless,

Good choice to stay away from her. Although I didn't know about BPD I suspect that a relationship that was a cycle of "extreme intimacy" and then "just friends" and then "best friend/only friend" was with a girl who had BPD traits. We had an on again off again relationship that was the most confusing friendship/romantic interest of my mid-twenties. She only seemed to show interest when I showed none and had extremely strange hot and cold behaviour. This toxic relationship went on for 6 years! Don't waste your time and don't get dragged in. Although I didn't know about BPD yet I finally just went full NC. Life was immeasurably less toxic after that. Well, until I met my BPD ex and realized my boundaries were weak and I needed to change too! Hang in there and find someone who can love you in a normal way, not the cycle of hot or cold or manipulation. Life is too short.

[JaxWest]

Mindless,

Good choice to stay away from her. Although I didn't know about BPD I suspect that a relationship that was a cycle of "extreme intimacy" and then "just friends" and then "best friend/only friend" was with a girl who had BPD traits. We had an on again off again relationship that was the most confusing friendship/romantic interest of my mid-twenties. She only seemed to show interest when I showed none and had extremely strange hot and cold behaviour. This toxic relationship went on for 6 years! Don't waste your time and don't get dragged in. Although I didn't know about BPD yet I finally just went full NC. Life was immeasurably less toxic after that. Well, until I met my BPD ex and realized my boundaries were weak and I needed to change too! Hang in there and find someone who can love you in a normal way, not the cycle of hot or cold or manipulation. Life is too short.

This sounds familiar. I went through something similar. I never dated this female. She gave me signs, I made a move, she said she was in the middle of getting back with an ex. That seemed to end things, then she started the cycle of giving me signs and seeking me out again. No indicating that she was with the ex or if he was even real. She was very secretive and did not want people to know we hung out. Her coworker happened to be at the same restaurant and she got really nervous like she got caught. I questioned her about the behavior and she got defensive and pushed me back... .again. I stopped inviting her to things and I get a suspicious email about "work" (first work email she sent since we hung out). By far the most confusing interaction I have had. Like, she wanted the attention, but when I gave her the attention, she pushed back. Never dated, but she gave me all of the signs in the world.

I agree... .It is just not worth dealing with the off and on stuff. You think you are making progress, then you get pushed away. You seem to be on their minds, only if they want you to be on their minds and if it benefits them. They are not there for you when you need it.