Will They Always Find Something to Fight About?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My uexgf got after me a lot because several years ago after my divorce I went through some bad times and drank and slept around a lot. She shamed me for this off and on for our entire two year rs. She also hated that my ex wife lived in the community and said she was a drama queen and was extremely insecure about her to the point she wouldn't go to my  kids sporting  events because she couldn't handle seeing her and when we did she would always get after me even though I had done nothing wrong. Sometimes she would go on for an entire day about it and make me miserable. Of course there were a lot of other things she would start fights about but these two issues were recurring. My question is if she has a partner without theses triggers will she likely behave better or just find something else to be upset about?

[Duped 1]

My uexgf got after me a lot because several years ago after my divorce I went through some bad times and drank and slept around a lot. She shamed me for this off and on for our entire two year rs. She also hated that my ex wife lived in the community and said she was a drama queen and was extremely insecure about her to the point she wouldn't go to my  kids sporting  events because she couldn't handle seeing her and when we did she would always get after me even though I had done nothing wrong. Sometimes she would go on for an entire day about it and make me miserable. Of course there were a lot of other things she would start fights about but these two issues were recurring. My question is if she has a partner without theses triggers will she likely behave better or just find something else to be upset about?

[Duped 1]

Any thoughts here?

Thanks!

[SoMadSoSad]

It is said that pwBPD are always in emotional turmoil so they need to find reasons for their bad emotions.

[once removed]

when you live in fear of the other shoe dropping, you will inevitably act out in way that proves your fear. that is the disorder running its course.

at this point though, i would begin to ask myself what need this dynamic might have met in you. its not intuitive - id have told you all i ever wanted was for the fights to end in my relationship and all would be well. then i look back at all the times, despite knowing better, i willingly participated in circular arguments.

she will behave 'differently' with another partner. what that entails is really anyones guess.

[Dutched]

Is seems to increase as the r/s evolves and lasts longer.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves
As it is described: the way you look, behave, tone of your voice, etc.

See it as a hard disk with a bad spot on it. It has no effect. As these bad spots become more and more changes increase that a bad spot is hit. Causing more and more failure.

Now compare it with BPD(traits). Once you failed her (bad spot) and it is ‘forgotten’. As the r/s continues you will fail more and more (more bad spots). At a certain point you just (utterly) failed and therefore pwBPD hits and hits bad spots after bad spots (so you).
So causing more and more anxiety and activating their coping mechanism (remembering all their inner pain). Desperately wanting to be loved, to be the good child but just hitting and shouting around as they don’t know anymore what to do in order to be the lovable child (as you were once the replacement for the all great and loving parent…). 

As an adult, the person is able to say no more pain.
However the emotional way and reaction still remains that of a 4 yr. old.

For your part it is where the eggshells come. Not knowing how to respond, getting involved in the projected drama instead of listening behind the meaning of the words, therefore mostly a wrong response.
But how could you know, how could you?

Years ago, Exw not yet invited by her sister for her birthday, projection and reason to end r/s. 

[Duped 1]

she will behave 'differently' with another partner. what that entails is really anyones guess.

But they say the cycle always repeats correct? Meaning idolize and then devalue?

[Portent]

But they say the cycle always repeats correct? Meaning idolize and then devalue?

Basically, Im just going to grab a chair and some popcorn.

[once removed]

But they say the cycle always repeats correct? Meaning idolize and then devalue?

well, who is "they"?

people - all people, do learn from relationship mistakes. not always the right lessons.

the next person is a different person. they will behave differently. respond differently.

i asked the same question though, i get it. the question is why it matters to you - and i dont mean that in a flippant, dismissive, "whats it to you" kind of way. i mean lets hypothetically say she "behaves better". what would that mean to you?

[Duped 1]

By they I mean almost everything I have read indicates that the cycle repeats and that the pwBPD behavior doesn't improve.

[Keef]

Duped 1, I too am wondering about these things. I think once removed is correct:

the next person is a different person. they will behave differently. respond differently

That said, the basic character traits that seem to be the hallmark of BPD would probably show themselves sooner or later if that person isn't in treatment and taking responsibility. This is my personal experience from having been involved in more than one r/s with persons with BPD/clear traits of BPD.
Could anyone clarify these things (regarding Duped 1's question) further please?

This is a relevant question for many of us, I still have to have a good think about this one:

lets hypothetically say she "behaves better". what would that mean to you?

Portent. What do you mean by this?

Basically, Im just going to grab a chair and some popcorn.

[once removed]

tread cautiously with what you read. in the aftermath of these relationships, its not uncommon or at all unreasonable to absorb material that speaks to us in the moment. says what we want to hear.

and know that whatever you read is written in general. BPD is a spectrum disorder and there isnt a one size fits all. you know better than any of us the behaviors of your ex and whether they are likely to play out in the next relationship. deep insecurity like you describe is pretty unlikely to evaporate.

but what bearing would it have on your future? and if the answer is that it would make you feel better, thats okay. i learned that my exes new relationship was pretty rocky even for her and i feel it helped me detach. having said that, if her relationship had gone great, ours hadnt. sure there was room for improvement on my end, but ultimately, all the tools in the world still wouldnt have made it the right relationship for me.

what about you?

[Duped 1]

I'm still a little confused and have read from many sources that idolization and devaluation are inevitable if the BPD does deeply care for the person or look at them as their saviour

[michel71]

From what I read and what I feel deep down ( I just do), pwBPD will continue to disregulate, relationship after relationship, not necessarily over the same issues, but they will. It might be a different trigger but they will be triggered. Oh it will be the same love bombing that you had but then the roller coaster of hell will begin. And another well intended person is hurt.

[apollotech]

I'm still a little confused and have read from many sources that idolization and devaluation are inevitable if the BPD does deeply care for the person or look at them as their saviour

Duped1,

There is nothing to be confused about. If your ex is afflicted with BPD it doesn't go away because she is with someone new. The disorder is still there, and it will alter the relationship. The idealization and devaluation that you spoke of are two maladapted coping mechanisms that contribute to chaotic interpersonal relationships, a hallmark characteristic of the disorder. Me personally, I don't recall ever reading/hearing about a BPD relationship that wasn't characterized with idealization and devaluation, some more severely affected than others, but present nonetheless.

[Duped 1]

Thanks Apollotech. That is my understanding as well .

[apollotech]

Thanks Apollotech. That is my understanding as well .

Duped1,

You're welcome. That's usually termed on these boards as "magical thinking" when a Non believes that BPD will disappear when the person afflicted with BPD finds the right person. That runs right along with the pwBPD believing that they will find the right person to "complete" them. Both beliefs are fantasy. If it were that easy, it probably wouldn't be a categorized disorder.

Take care of you Duped1. If she wants help with her disorder, help is out there. But that will have to be her choice. You couldn't fix it, and no one else can either.

[Keef]

Both beliefs are fantasy.

apollotech, thanks for this. I've been following this thread and felt related to these questions as the thread's evolved. I think it's helping me in trying to keep my feet on the ground.

/Keef