Come to the end...

[Aussieguy77]

Well after 8.5 years, a child who's 4 years old, a mortgage and getting married in March 2015... .it's all come crashing down this past July.

Soon to be ex wife was self medicating with alcohol and frequent rages and projecting we had a massive fight one night in July and she went nuts. She's a marriage celebrant in her spare time and was meeting clients for an hour. Four hours later she still hadn't come home.
Long story short; I demanded to know who she was having an affair with and when she told me the truth (now ex-friend and fellow volunteer firefighter who's 46 (wife is 33) married with 4 children, arrested multiple times for child abuse and there are also allegations related to incestuous rape involving his children that he knew about and did nothing about) I hit her with a pillow.

Then she started blaming me for it, leaning over the bed and verbally abusing me. and rather than fight, I tried to flee. She physically tried to stop me and her arm got bruised in the bedroom door. She then raced down the hall and tried to prevent me leaving the front door. I went downstairs and went out the back door and drove away.

Being a Thursday night and about 11:30pm by this stage I drove back home and sat out the front having a cigarette in the darkness on the front porch... .BP came out and again was getting right in my face and trying to goad me into hitting her.

She then unbeknownst to me ran off into the night without shoes or even a jumper in 4 degrees C and I locked the house and went to bed.

Things were a bit tense for a few days but on the 5th day I was arrested at me front door in the afternoon for domestic violence.

I was charged with common assault and assault occasioning actual bodily harm.

Then the family lawyers started sending letters demanding immediate financial settlement and property settlement. Dated 4 days into legal separation.

Meanwhile she was getting worse. We had agreed to essentially separate but live under the one roof for the sake of our son but that lasted 3 weeks until all she did was scream and create fights out of thin air.

Via a fellow brigade member we were able to mediate a "birdnesting" arrangement whereby each of us spent 7 days in our home caring for our child each fortnight. Other days were spent living with relatives.

Communication had become irrational from her and was impossible.

Then she was telling me things like "you've been so horrible to me in the last 2 1/2 months we can never be in a relationship together again."

Our marriage was over because I had assaulted her... .

Then just shy of 4 months separation she told me while I was in the car on the way to assume care of my son that she was seeing someone.
I took it pretty hard because as we all know we have a crazy affinity for these disordered people we love. I posted something on Facebook and the police show up to take me to hospital due to "threats of self harm."

While I was detained at the hospital she takes our 4 year old son (whom I've had the greatest majority in raising) and runs off interstate to her mother's place claiming that she's had advice that she should have full custody of our son because I'm unstable!

3 weeks she's gone and the fellow brigade member had been trying to pass communication but even he was cut off.

The day I was in the solicitors office filing an initiating action for a locate and recover order via the Family Court, I was served with her own initiating action claiming I was a danger to her and our son!

Now via my son I find out that she and the 46 year old are embarking on a relationship together.

[Aussieguy77]

I should add that my wife was diagnosed and discharged from the Royal Australian Navy with a full pension for life as a result of the diagnosis following multiple suicide attempts whilst enlisted.

The diagnosis was over 12 years ago and she thinks that her BPD went away on its own and therefore has had zero treatment for her condition.

[Aussieguy77]

I've been visiting this site for ages trying to read others' experience with borderline but due to the recent failure of my marriage I've finally gotten to the point where I joined.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome AussieGuy77:  

I'm very sorry about your situation.  You have had some tough times.  Are you seeing a professional for some counseling/therapy to guide you through these tough times?  Are you doing any healthy things for self-care, self-soothing?

A Safety Plan is something you should have.  Best to think through things and create a plan that you can look at and remind yourself of, should you encounter a potential domestic violence situation or have thoughts of self-harm.  The link below will be helpful:

SAFETY PLAN
bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

When things get heated, the best plan can be to take a time out.  The links below will lead you to some helpful information

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.0

TAKING A TIME OUT
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=84942.0

ANGER MANAGEMENT:
bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=124720.0

When you feel overwhelmed and are heading toward suicidal thoughts, don't hesitate to reach out.  These Australian resources should be helpful.

SUICIDE PREVENTION - AUSTRALIA:
https://www.lifeline.org.au/

www.beyondblue.org.au

There are some links to the right of this post.  They can be a good place to start on the road to improvement.  The first priority is to take care of yourself and your emotions.  Then, learning some strategy and communications can help you to better manage your interactions with your partner (or ex-partner).  

[Aussieguy77]

Yes, I've had a regular psychologist since developing depression in 2013. Mainly during the pregnancy with our son and the BPDw being pretty much out of control.

[zeus123]

Aussieguy77 consider yourself lucky because you are still a life. A relationship with a BPD person can actually kill you.

[Aussieguy77]

Since separation she has twice nearly driven me to suicide through how nasty and vindictive she has been.
Now she is using our child and the Family Court to punish me even more even though she is the one who was having an affair with an older married man who was our friend.

I felt like I didn't have the strength to go on fighting a war against her that I was never even involved in.

The person she is now is not someone I have ever even seen in 9 years. I don't know how to be her adversary. All I ever wanted was to put my family back together.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Aussieguy77:   

What are you doing to take care of yourself right now?  Are you able to avoid suicidal thoughts at the current time?

Best to do some positive things to manage your stress. 

[Aussieguy77]

Was only the two instances of suicidal ideation and at neither time did I have a plan or make any direct effort to actually carry it out.

The last time my BPDexw called the police over a Facebook post claiming threats of self harm. She then took my son and ran of to to her mother's place in another state, cut off all avenues of communication siting herself and my son being at risk. Didn't see my boy for 4 weeks and only had one FaceTime call for 20mins in that period. 

It's incredibly hard to take considering I'm the parent who's had the most time involved in the raising of our child.
BPDexw is very high functioning but triangulates with work so as to not have any time free alone with just her mind.

I'm just keeping busy reorganizing the house where I can but am on Xmas holidays for the rest of this week which makes it hard at times.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Ausieguy77:
Do you ever listen to Podcasts or Audio Books?  Sometimes you can stick a phone in your pocket and put on some headphones and listen to something, while you work around the house.  It can take your mind off things.  The possibilities of things to listen to are endless.

Trying some mindfulness practice can be helpful.  Check out the link below to a mental exercise from "The Happiness Trap".  You could give it a try while working around home:

MINDFULNESS EXERCISE - FROM BOOK" HAPPINESS TRAP"
https://www.thehappinesstrap.com/upimages/Informal_Mindfulness_Exercises.pdf

BELOW ARE LINKS TO SOME OTHER THINGS TO TRY TO IMPROVE YOUR FRAME OF MIND:
10 JOURNALING TIPS
www.tinybuddha.com/blog/10-journaling-tips-to-help-you-heal-grow-and-thrive/

12 minute Thought Stream Meditation with Dr. Mike Dow
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0Lo5tUXkVI

Finding Alternative Thoughts
www.dbtselfhelp.com/FindingAlternativeThoughts.pdf

Breathing: Three Exercises - Dr. Weil
www.drweil.com/drw/u/ART00521/three-breathing-exercises.html

[P.F.Change]

Hey, Aussieguy77. 

I hear you say you feel your life has come crashing down. After nearly nine years with your wife and a child together, she had an affair with your friend and has had you arrested for domestic violence and hospitalized for suicidal ideation, and now she is using those things to try to take custody of your son from you while continuing in a relationship with your former friend. Any one of those things would be painful on its own, and I think anyone might become depressed in your shoes. I hear your pain at feeling betrayed and forced to cope with circumstances you didn't want, and it's frightening to think about what will happen in a custody battle because you love your son so much. That also seems doubly unfair to you because you feel you've spent more time raising him. Your wife's vindictive behavior hurts so much and the battle feels so exhausting that you have felt driven to suicide twice. You are not alone. You know from reading here that we have many members who have been in your exact situation. As difficult as it is, your feelings will not feel so overwhelming forever. Things will get better. It's really good that you already have ongoing professional support, and I'm glad you feel safe posting here, too. I hope you will keep reaching out.

Like Naughty Nibbler, I want to make sure you have a safety plan in place. It's good to have the suicide hotline number in addition to your therapist in case you begin to feel suicidal again. I have been there and know how abruptly it can come on. You're important, and we want you to be safe. Have you already worked on a plan with your psychologist?

This statement really resonated with me:

I don't know how to be her adversary. All I ever wanted was to put my family back together.

It's heartbreaking. I can hear how much you want things to be different and how much you love your family. I'm really sorry you're having to go through this and that you're being put in a position to have to fight against someone you care about so deeply. I hope you will keep posting and letting us know how we can help. We'll do our best to help you look at the reality of your situation for the best possible outcome.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Aussieguy77]

As of yesterday they've moved into a rental property together with my son.

This man has serious allegations against him regarding child abuse and knowledge of incestuous rape amongst his children.

The Dept of Child Services in Australia has multiple open files and ongoing legal hearings concerning this man and his family.
My lack of custody of my son relates to a Facebook post that my wife has interpreted as threatening self harm.

My solicitor is beginning the steps for a reversal of the interim custody orders first thing Monday morning.