Should I be glad he has BPD?

[mevz]

I often think about this. Is it better that he has BPD because it provides me with an explanation for being discarded and replaced so soon?

If it was a normal relationship, being treated like this would make me inconsolable. I feel that justifying his actions through his BPD makes a bit better to handle.
 
I read here that in 2 weeks of NC, the BPD feels the same as we feel at 6 weeks. Maybe that’s the reason he moved on a couple of weeks later.

I just think that after loving, and being loved so much, the BPD explanation gives us a way out. Something to hold on to while we grieve for something that may not have been real in the first place.

Does anyone else feel this way?

[ynwa]

Hey again Metz,

Weirdly when I was replying on your other post, I had been thinking the same thing. At some point in detachment and NC, our thoughts and feeling for us are the same as with any breakup, does that seem right?

It's part of the process, and I'm sure they do wonder and think about it. But in the end, our relationships aren't working. We both, and everyone else wouldn't be here otherwise.  The process of detachment and NC would still work if we were dealing with non BPD partners.

I also wonder and have seen it mentioned how much BPD plays into it.  Detachment isn't straight forward and NC isn't about them so much as us. It lets us recreate a boundary, we either dropped or had knocked down.  I explained it to mom, who didnt understand.  It's like being really close to a lightning strike, and that massive clap of thunder. Unsettling and rattling.  NC and Detachment lets us watch the lightning from a distance and feel a low rumble.

You are trying to make sense of your feelings and situation, and you are doing a good job.

[Duped 1]

I knew nothing of BPD until shortly after the breakup as I was looking for answers as to why this breakup was so hard considering how awful she Was and how unhealthy and addicted I had become. It was eery when I started reading about BPD as I was reading my own story regarding the demise of the rs written by many others.

It helps me knowing she has BPD but this is still the worst experience of my life.

[once removed]

If it was a normal relationship

thats sort of the rub aint it 

I feel that justifying his actions through his BPD makes a bit better to handle.

i wouldnt so much justify his actions as i would try to understand them, as understanding leads to depersonalizing them. thats very different than excusing, overlooking, or justifying.

I read here that in 2 weeks of NC, the BPD feels the same as we feel at 6 weeks.

i wouldnt translate this literally or apply it to every case. its a brief explanation of object permanence, which a pwBPD lacks - it helps explain the seeming ease with which our partners often move on. there are usually other issues at play, like the fact that we were typically on a different page than our partners, unknown to us.

I just think that after loving, and being loved so much, the BPD explanation gives us a way out.

i found it a genuine blessing to learn about BPD and make some sense of what id been through. these are volatile and loaded relationships. you dont necessarily need "BPD" to create that cocktail, but the wounds, and the process of grief and detaching are typically quite complex and complicated. in that sense, "BPD" can provide a world of understanding, even some comfort.

i have seen (and used) the knowledge of BPD as either a tool or a crutch in recovery. use it wisely.

[cosmonaut]

I try often to reinforce that BPD is tragedy.  This is real life Sophocles and Shakespeare.  Badly as we may have been burned in the fire of BPD, we get to walk away.  Our loved one never does.  We are ultimately the fortunate ones.  So, perhaps we could reframe this as what we can make of a terribly sad and tragic situation.  Because you are on to something I think is important.

You are very insightful to note that it is easy to blame our partner and this can feel very soothing, at least initially.  Early in our recovery this anger is a normal part of grieving.  But when we stay stuck in blaming our partner and exonerating ourselves of any role in the dysfunction and breakdown of the relationship we do two things that are ultimately destructive to our recovery.  The first is that our anger can ossify into bitterness and this prevents us from moving on in our healing process.  We never make it to acceptance, which means we can't fully heal.  The second harm we do to ourselves is that we rob ourselves of the chance to learn from the role we played in the relationship.  This is a critical period for us where many things that may have been long hidden in our psyche are now brought to the surface.  We can examine them now.  We can investigate our own behaviors in the relationship and how we fanned the flames of dysfunction.

I don't like to use the concept of blame in analyzing our relationships, because I feel that it keeps us focused on the past and not on looking forward.  So, in looking at ourselves we should be gentle.  There is no need to blame ourselves anymore than our partner.  These are tragic relationships and we were in a very chaotic, confusing, and emotional experience.  We did the best we could in the moment.  Now, with the benefit of time and distance we can take a second look.  And what we learn from that can lead us to a better future.

I am truly sorry for your pain, mevz.  I know how agonizingly painful this time can be.  Three years ago my world was turned upside down and I didn't know how I would survive such emotional torture.  So, I am very sorry you are also now in that dark place.  Rest assured that recovery is possible and the sun will rise again.

I hope also that you don't feel I am preaching at you.  Not my intention.  I feel you made an important point, however, and wanted to make some observations for the benefit of all.

I wish you much healing and happiness in the new year.

[michel71]

I think you should be glad if it helps you. Whatever works. As for me it just adds to my sadness, not only for myself but also for my uBPDw because I know she suffers as well. Imagine being stuck inside an adult body with the emotions and fears of a 4yr old?

[Duped 1]

Many will say that you can't have a mutually satisfying adult romantic rs w a pwBPD. At least one that won't get treated. I sincerely believe this after experiencing this tragedy as I thought she was my Once in a lifetime but it wasn't real. It was live bombing at its finest. Did I contribute to the dysfunction? absolutely! Would it have really mattered in the end. I don't believe so In any way unless I wanted to be in a one sided abusive rs for the rest of my life.