What should I have said?

[Equipped or Not]

I'm admittedly not the life of the party type but I like to tell my wife how pretty she is fairly often (because she really is).  Last night while at a restaurant we were a bit short on conversation so I made mention again to help break some of the ice. (there had also been some minor friction earlier in the conversation).  Anyway, after the compliment "you sure are pretty" (admittedly used before), she gave me the look (i.e. rolling eyed skepticism about my sincerity).  So I asked her why.  That's when she essentially told me she didn't believe me, that "she knows what I like" - that "I don't like her skin tone or anyone with her skin tone" - that had she known this about me, she wouldn't have married me" and that she (paraphrasing) "knows I have skin tone issues" (I don't).

At this point (mistake # 1), I was so incensed at (once again) being mischaracterized that I decided to engage her reasoning head on.  Things naturally escalated waaay out of hand (mistake # 2) with the night ending in the typical slamming of doors and name calling (her to me) once we got home.  I know I helped escalate the situation by telling her "I know who I am", that "I'm firmly rooted in my identity" and that "I'm too strong to have anyone take that away from me" and (yes) I taunted her by saying "ooh I'm so scared" after she threatened how things were going to get out of control if I didn't "drop it" (sarcasm - mistake # 3).  Thing is I always have to "drop it" when I feel I need to make my point(s).

At the height of the escalation, said she was "just trying to tell me how she felt (i.e. she "feels" as though my comments are contrived)... I'm TOTALLY open to her being able to express how she feels.  However, when she calls my character into question - wrongly - I lose it because my character is the thing that grounds me and provides my inner source of strength in dealing with this.  I feel as though she wants to systematically try to make me feel as though I have serious character and other flaws.  I'm not perfect - but it's extremely frustrating to be mischaracterized and disbelieved - especially when she is "mischaracterization aware" (i.e. she sometimes discovers she mischaracterizes others much to her horror).

So... .what should I have said when she passed judgement (again) in typical negative fashion?  Take a stand? Change the subject and don't take it personally? Say "yes dear"?  

After 7 years I'm beginning to wonder if I have what it takes to handle this... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[enlighten me]

I had a similar thing with my exgf. She was sun bathing and I said you alright beautiful. She gave a shudder of disgust and blanked me. Looking back I realise I was in full blown devaluation and the thought of a compliment from me made her skin crawl.

Ive got no advice on how to turn things around for you I'm sorry to say.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Equipped or Not:  
Sorry about your situation.  You can't change your BPD partner.  The only thing you have control over is how you interact with her and react with her.  It can be helpful to practice RADICAL ACCEPTANCE

So... .what should I have said when she passed judgement (again) in typical negative fashion?  Take a stand? Change the subject and don't take it personally? Say "yes dear"?    

Validation can be comforting to a person with BPD (pwBPD).  Validation doesn't mean that you agree with them on something.  It just means that you acknowledge their feelings.  You don't want to validate the invalid.  Sometimes, it can just be a matter of not being invalidating (by word or expression).  

VALIDATION

VALIDATION - DON'T INVALIDATE

VALIDATION - LEVELS OF VALIDATION

The quote below from Waverider, is wise advice to consider.

Keep in mind that validation is just good oil, it makes the relationship cogs turn more smoothly but it doesn't fix a broken cog. So you add a bit and if it doesn't ease the problem you leave it at that, not much point trying to add too much you just flood it and make a mess.

Unfortunately, you may not ever get your personal validation needs met by your partner.  You may need to do some self-validating, or get it from friends and family.

SELF-VALIDATION WORKSHEET
https://www.nvpsychology.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/Self-Validation-Skills-2013-Fruzzetti.pdf

SELF VALIDATION:
www.tinybuddha.com/blog/5-ways-to-validate-be-part-of-your-support-system/

At this point (mistake # 1), I was so incensed at (once again) being mischaracterized that I decided to engage her reasoning head on.  Things naturally escalated waaay out of hand (mistake # 2) with the night ending in the typical slamming of doors and name calling (her to me) once we got home.  I know I helped escalate the situation by telling her "I know who I am", that "I'm firmly rooted in my identity" and that "I'm too strong to have anyone take that away from me" and (yes) I taunted her by saying "ooh I'm so scared" after she threatened how things were going to get out of control if I didn't "drop it" (sarcasm - mistake # 3).  Thing is I always have to "drop it" when I feel I need to make my point(s).  

Best to avoid conflict.  :)on't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain (JADE). You may need to take a "Time Out".  The two links below should be very helpful.

AVOIDING CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS

HOW TO ESCAPE, TAKE A TIME OUT
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=84942.0

Click on the links below to get to some additional helpful information on some other communication skills :

SET

WISE MIND

Sorry to throw so much information at you.  Take it a step at a time.  The best place to start is to take steps to avoid conflict and not take thing personally.  Her emotions are her reality and she will project them onto you.  You need to be the one who displays a high emotional IQ (EQ).  You should find that when you do, you can reduce the amount of conflict. 

Try some of the strategy in the suggested lessons and let us know how it goes.

 

[Equipped or Not]

Thanks - theses are great tools and I know this is what I should be doing.  Now if you just have a tool to help me remember to use such tools in the heat of the moment... . 

[Naughty Nibbler]

You could add notes in your phone on various skills (various phone app options to consider).  One thing that can be helpful is to remember the acronyms or make brief notes.  i.e.

JADE:  Don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain (avoiding circular arguments)
SET:  Sympathy, Empathy, Truth
VALIDATION:  Remember to do it or don't invalidate 

There are some mood tracking apps available for various platforms.  There is a free Android app called Daylio. You can track your daily moods and see charts and graphs.  You can check off what activities you did on a particular day to see trends.  It would be possible to add in your own daily activities, so you could track whether you used specific skills on a given day, such as JADE, SET, Validation, etc.

It could be a way to look over time and see how your own moods correlate to the skills you used each day. If you set up the custom activity categories, and just start out by making a mood entry each day, you can eventually get used to tracking whether you used validation, JADE or SET strategy during a given day.  It can be a way to reinforce use of strategy and a means to track things and reflect back on what works and what doesn't

It will take some effort on your part, but all good things take effort.