No longer speaking, finally

[slb1957]

I have, after a particularly nasty fight, decided to cut all ties with my sister. I blew up at her, loudly, after holding in my frustration not only during the short Christmas trip we were on, but for the last thirty years. I am now experiencing many conflicting emotions: anger, guilt, confusion, and, believe it or not, relief. I decided to reach out here because I need to hear from others that what I'm feeling is normal, or, if it isn't, that too.

Thanks in advance to all of you/ and Happy New Year!

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  I am sorry to hear that things blew up between you and your sister but I am glad you reached out and found this place.  Lots of people can relate.

You asked if your feelings are normal.  Yes, they are normal.  Now, is it healthy to bottle things up and hold them in and then one day have them explode?  No.  It happens tho.  I've done it myself and then dealt with the guilt, anger and confusion and yes, even relief.  It *is* a relief to finally let all that anger and frustration and hurt out!  Of course you feel relief.  Also, you said you decided to cut ties with your sister.  While it is sad that circumstances have reached that point, it is all too familiar here on this board.  To feel a sense of relief from that decision is also normal.  Just making a decision will relieve a lot of anxiety, never mind one that will free you from any added pain, hurt and anger.

One caution though is this is simply from my own bias so feel free to disregard--->  Cutting contact will stop additional hurts but will do little for any anger, hurt or emotional damage that has already occurred.  No contact or NC for short, is great for giving you space and time to get to a better place.  If you have your 'sister in your head' like I had/have my 'mother in my head' even 9 years after she died, then a bit more may be needed.  Just mentioning it to keep in the back of your mind.  For now, I would say keep posting and see how things go.

Again, welcome and Happy New Year!

[wantyousafe]

Hi;
I am now in a very similar position with my older sister and posted my feelings today.
Straight after the blow-up, I felt an enormous feeling of relief although I keep playing our relationship over in my brain and I could easily talk myself into being the guilty party.
The truth is that I was disgusted with myself for the barefaced lying to keep her onside and the fear of her future and with myself for doing things to help her which were really incredibly patronising and counterproductive.
Looking thru' the internet,I came across a site which talked about family dynamics and it talked about "Injustice collectors" and "People Pleasers" which struck a strong chord.I've always been the people pleaser and conflict avoider; but it's also caused me a lot of stress and I have a mountain of resentment and anger; when it blows,it doesn't come out nicely.
I have got to change for my own good and for everyone else, even my sister.It's going to be a shock for everyone and my husband is looking a bit wary! To do it properly, I'm going to "no contact" my sister, but I'm pretty sure she's already done that to me anyway.
Perhaps if we look after ourselves and keep ourself in a good place, other things will fall into place.
I wish everyone on the forum a good New Year!

[thduda]

I almost wish I could blow up at my sisters.  My anger is so repressed.  I am sorry you are struggling with this.

[Deb]

Hi sib1957,

I blew up at my dBPD sister. And I also felt a lot of guilt. I was just at a breaking point with her. The lies and smears she told about me just piled up and I blew up at her. In public. Do I wish I had handled it better? You bet. That was almost 2 decades ago. And from what I hear, she is still milking that incident to show people how "mean" I am. Bet she doesn't tell them what preceded it.   

So here's what I have done: I let go of the guilt and embarrassment of what I did. I have worked on myself. A lot. I forgive myself for my mistakes. And I forgive my sister for being a sick person. But I am still NC with her. You see, she will never forgive me for siding with her ex on custoday of her youngest. She believes I did that because I am angry with her. But it's not true. I sided with him because it was in the best interest of that child. I knew what she did to her other children, and I couldn't, in good conscience, watch her do it to another child. I may never speak to her again. If she gets help for her BPD (and other issues) and apologizes to nher children, I could see me speaking to her. But I doubt that will ever happen.

So forgive yourself for blowing up. Work on yourself. Make yourself stronger and healthier.

[slb1957]

Many thanks to everyone who responded to this post. I've been checking in with one eye open, from a medicine-induced haze. Once I feel better I'll respond in more detail. Until then, what a great help it is to hear from people experiencing some of the same things I am. xo