Feeling alone and helpless while needing to be constantly strong

[wampaheart]

My husband and I have been together for 10 years.  For a long time he hid many of his feelings and I often became frustrated because I didn't understand his behaviors.  I was laid off from my job and had to take a contract position across the country for 15 weeks.  During that time, he fell in love with another woman. It tore me apart emotionally, but logically it seemed like something we all needed to accept and we tried to make it work with the 3 of us. In some ways, a 3 person relationship is quite stable and it seemed like maybe we could do it.  With so much love and attention my husband started to really open up, but it wasn't long before his symptoms became more prominent and unpredictable.  In truth, the complex situation and the individual hurts it caused brought so much to the surface that he fell apart.  The 3 of us have tried to remain friends, but he is obsessed with the fact that he can't be with her.  The harder she pushes him away, the harder he tries and suffers.  I suffer too, on so many levels.   Last year when he thought he would lose us both, he attempted suicide.  I was able to intervene, but had to have him taken to the hospital forcibly.  It was extremely traumatic for both of us. The hospital stay was very dehumanizing and caused more damage.  Once he was diagnosed with BPD, things made a lot more sense.  He fits almost all of the criteria and things often seem to be getting worse.  I want to support him through this no matter what the outcome with our relationship.  I understand that his obsession with our friend stems from his fear of abandonment, but it greatly affects my self worth and anyone I try to talk to can't understand why I want to stay.  I understand that they want to protect me, but it leaves me feeling isolated and helpless.  The most confusing part is that my husband and I are still very much in love and have a strong relationship.  We definitely have some codependency issues to work on, but he only tries to push me away when he sees how much I'm hurting or can't handle his overwhelming and conflicting feelings for our friend.  I'm looking for some support and solidarity and am happy to provide some to others.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

Hello, and welcome, wampaheart

You aren't alone. You've found a community of people who have gone through very similar things, with partners suffering from the same things your husband does.

I too found myself in an open relationship, mostly pulled in by my wife. I did go in willingly, and it was a wild ride. (Loong story, and I'm not sure the details matter to you... .) I'm still recovering in some ways, and getting ready for another relationship... .possibly more complicated than a couple. These complex relationships can be made to work just as well or as badly as one with only two people.

What specifically with your husband (or your friend, if that is troubling you) is hard for you to cope with today?

[drained1996]

I want to join Grey Kitty in welcoming you, and also say we feel your pain.  He has specific experience in a situation similar to yours, and we all have experience in being in BPD relationships.  We are here to help and Grey has broken the ice with a good question:

What specifically with your husband (or your friend, if that is troubling you) is hard for you to cope with today?

We would also like to hear anything else you may have questions about or would like to share.  It's abnormal here... .we actually understand.