Throwing the bait out only to run away from it... Why? (Push/Pull)

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone! I've been crawling the boards for quite some time but figured I'd want to personally reach out for some insight/support with an issue that keeps reappearing.

My ex was diagnosed with BPD when we were together (she was quite relieved to finally have a correct diagnosis). She also has OCD, a pretty severe anxiety disorder, and ADHD.

To spare the long story, since our breakup in April, she has been push/pulling more than ever. She was dealing with her very recent mother's death at the time (or refusing to deal with it, I should say) and spiraled very badly, falling into a major depression and addiction. She thought it was selfish to stay with me while she was such a mess (I stayed with her as long as I possibly could, but watching her destroy herself like that was no easy feat) so we decided to amicably break up temporarily.

We kept in touch for a few months, though admittedly I was inquiring too frequently about the status of our breakup (I really really missed her... .we have spoken about this since and she has totally forgiven me for my impatience and persistence–it was completely out of love) so she started ignoring my messages what I thought would be for good.

To the bulk of my question –––

Since she started avoiding my messages, we have spoken four or five incredible times. Each and every time we speak, however, she throws the bait out to me only to run away from it. For instance, she will ask me out to dinner (all of this is initiated on her end), but when I follow up with a plan days later, she fails to respond. She tells me that we will speak soon, but then she disappears. She will even remember important dates in my life and reach out *days* before they happen, almost to alert me that she knows they are coming up (birthdays, holidays, etc.), but then stops responding to me two or three messages in. This has been happening over the past six months.

I would say that maybe she just does not want to talk to me, but she's the initiator of all of these offers! I know she hasn't been in a committed relationship since our breakup so it can't be anything like that. She also loves me dearly and said she had never felt more loved in her entire life nor had she ever loved anyone more, so I really doubt she is not doing this to mess around with me–she has never ever tried to hurt me or even fight with me in the past.

A few friends think she may be sorting her life out and just likes checking in every once in a while to see if I'm still there. We know she's a bit manipulative (not in a malicious way), so maybe she is popping in just enough to keep her in my mind. On the other hand, I know that she has a major fear of commitment and that plus the BPD might make these offers to me *sound* intriguing and lovely to her, but once they become reality, she shuts down and jets.

Any ideas? Motives? Experiences? Advice? 

[heartandmind]

Hello everyone! I've been crawling the boards for quite some time but figured I'd want to personally reach out for some insight/support with an issue that keeps reappearing.

My ex was diagnosed with BPD when we were together (she was quite relieved to finally have a correct diagnosis). She also has OCD, a pretty severe anxiety disorder, and ADHD.

To spare the long story, since our breakup in April, she has been push/pulling more than ever. She was dealing with her very recent mother's death at the time (or refusing to deal with it, I should say) and spiraled very badly, falling into a major depression and addiction. She thought it was selfish to stay with me while she was such a mess (I stayed with her as long as I possibly could, but watching her destroy herself like that was no easy feat) so we decided to amicably break up temporarily.

We kept in touch for a few months, though admittedly I was inquiring too frequently about the status of our breakup (I really really missed her... .we have spoken about this since and she has totally forgiven me for my impatience and persistence–it was completely out of love) so she started ignoring my messages what I thought would be for good.

To the bulk of my question –––

Since she started avoiding my messages, we have spoken four or five incredible times. Each and every time we speak, however, she throws the bait out to me only to run away from it. For instance, she will ask me out to dinner (all of this is initiated on her end), but when I follow up with a plan days later, she fails to respond. She tells me that we will speak soon, but then she disappears. She will even remember important dates in my life and reach out *days* before they happen, almost to alert me that she knows they are coming up (birthdays, holidays, etc.), but then stops responding to me two or three messages in. This has been happening over the past six months.

I would say that maybe she just does not want to talk to me, but she's the initiator of all of these offers! I know she hasn't been in a committed relationship since our breakup so it can't be anything like that. She also loves me dearly and said she had never felt more loved in her entire life nor had she ever loved anyone more, so I really doubt she is not doing this to mess around with me–she has never ever tried to hurt me or even fight with me in the past.

A few friends think she may be sorting her life out and just likes checking in every once in a while to see if I'm still there. We know she's a bit manipulative (not in a malicious way), so maybe she is popping in just enough to keep her in my mind. On the other hand, I know that she has a major fear of commitment and that plus the BPD might make these offers to me *sound* intriguing and lovely to her, but once they become reality, she shuts down and jets.

Any ideas? Motives? Experiences? Advice? 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[drained1996]

Hi insightful89,



Getting right to your question... .the push/pull dynamic.  BPD's fear both abandonment and getting too close... .get to far away they pull... .to close they push.  It seems she may be using "the bait" as  you put it as a way of checking in to make sure their is still attachment.  When you respond and acknowledge is seems she may have soothed that need and discontinues... .until she feels that way again. 
With all you share she is dealing with, I'm sure she is experiencing lots of inner turmoil and emotions... .something BPD's really struggle with controlling as you may well know. 
Keep sharing any thoughts, feelings, or questions as we are here.  Also read the stories of others, it will help you realize  you are not alone.  Keep posting, you've found the right place for knowledge, understanding and sharing!   

[Skip]

he may be using "the bait" as  you put it as a way of checking in to make sure their is still attachment.  When you respond and acknowledge is seems she may have soothed that need... .

It could very well be the above and its important to remembers that mood changes are a big part of BPD so she is always cycling positive and negative on you during this time... .

She isn't ready to go forward. She isn't ready to let go. The not going forward is in the lead.

We often over-pursue relationships at this stage and it devalues us in their minds (a human thing, not a BPD thing). You want to be reachable but reserved.

Can you tell us more about the relationship? How long where you together? etc.