Missing ex, feel lost

[Woods77]

Its been about 4 months since I broke up with BPD partner and I still feel terrible.

I have since had to move back with my dad and live in spare room, ive lost all my savings, my job and all my furniture and lots of possessions really.

My dads not keen on me living here and keeps shouting at me even though i have terrible depression and Im on medication.

I wish I could go back and live with my ex and also I have emailed her, once in reply to her after 4 weeks, I took ages to reply as I was ill, she never replied. Ive emailed her twice since and again she hasnt replied.

I thought Id feel a bit better by now but I feel worse and miss her a lot and keep thinking of her and getting upset or just want to go back to her. Any advice?

[fromheeltoheal]

So what's the goal Woods?  You're on the Detaching board, which means the relationship is over and you're here to deal with the emotional fallout, on the way to the life of your dreams, but there are also Saving and Conflicted boards, for folks who are in those situations.

I'm not totally up to speed on your situation, although if she isn't returning your messages an ongoing relationship with her may not be possible for you yes?  And how was it when it ended?  Is it the contrast between the good times with her and your current situation with your dad that is making being with her seem attractive again?

Missing our exes and feeling lost is normal after these relationships end, and we are not our emotions, we're something much bigger, and as we detach, heal and grow, emotions come and go, new distinctions get made, and we emerge out the other side wiser, on the way to the life of our dreams.  But we have to do the work first; time is a great healer, but you can help the process by instead of sitting around waiting to feel better, doing something proactive towards your goal.  So first, what is the goal, a next, what can you do today towards its achievement?  Come up with something, it will help.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Woods77,

I'm sorry to hear that you are hurting. It is certainly understandable. Four months is not that long, although it can feel excruciatingly long when we are in pain.   You've lost a lot, and it takes time and patience and effort to get through the grief.

It sounds like your dad is not very supportive. Do you have other people in your life whom you can lean on right now? What about a therapist? It can really help to talk with someone objective and knowledgeable.

I thought Id feel a bit better by now but I feel worse and miss her a lot and keep thinking of her and getting upset or just want to go back to her. Any advice?

It's human nature to want to go back to former situations when we feel stressed, even if those situations were hurtful. It doesn't mean that it would be best for you, though. I know how compelling it feels, but try to breathe through the urges to go back and give your mind and body a chance to rebalance, if possible.

Are you able to exercise self care right now, Woods? It's important. It can be scary to focus on YOU after spending a lot of time focusing on someone else, but in my opinion it's part of the growth and change that needs to happen if you want to thrive again.

We're here for you.

heartandwhole