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Skills we were never taught
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Author Topic: Am I insane?  (Read 430 times)
hurthusband
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« on: January 02, 2017, 11:44:00 AM »

I am losing my mind most of the time.  My wife now claims she does not have BPD and is refusing to go to therapy cause of cost. 

All of her family is dead or completely out of her life... ie one sister.

Every single day is a headache.  She hates my job cause I work long hours but I am only income.  She has a degree but because its Art degree she has limited options and refuses to try anything that has risk or take a job she feels is beneath her.  My family is finally trying some with her to help, but she is erratic.  She wants a job through them, but they have fought so many times and there is no position that they even know its a bad idea. 

She says i never stand up for her.  The other night she made a remark to my sister knowing that my sister was on edge already.  My sister went off totally wrong, but my wife does not recognize that if she had not said anything... she might have not gone off.  Now my wife is upset she cannot see her niece or if my mother has my neice and does not invite my wife over at same time... she is mad at my mother.

She says I should have called my mom out on it.  Says i should yell at argue with my sister who i am not talking to.  New Year's Eve she got drunk went outside and yelled at kids to quiet down.  Our neighbor came out and looked.  Wife said his name and he went back inside instead of responding.  Probably cause he could tell the situation.  She was mad I didnt go fight him over ignoring her.

I do not believe in fighting.  I seen too many fights.  I fight with my wife all the time.  I should say I do not fight.  I do not attack, but I get calls all day at work.  I have to go in late... leave early... .not work at work.  I have no friends.  I have no hobbies.  I have no life at all.  Now she says I am turning the kids against her cause they are teenagers are will talk back sometimes.  Some i Know they are tired of it too, but I do not know what to do anymore.

My house has foundation damage and a slab leak but I cannot even get somebody over to repair it because my wife is so out of control most of the time.  I am not responsible for just about everything but the kids laundry... .she is insistant we here cause of my inability to stand up for her and ... I do not know...

She is helpless now without me.  She has nobody.  The kids are step kids and they are trapped with this.  I worry every day about finding her dead at home from suicide.  Doctors will not help, authorities will not help.  Her family that is left will not help.  There are kids involved here... .  Meanwhile I am trying to keep things afloat but im losing everything.  My relationships with others are non-existent.  I hate everyone now because I am terrified they will do something to upset my wife.  I cannot be a parent to the boys cause I am too busy watching after my wife.  My career is being chipped away...

I am just rambling and venting now.  I never knew life could be like this.  Do not get me wrong.  I see why I chose the woman I did.  My mother has obvious issues too.  I just do not want to fight everyone and everywhere anymore.   I do not want the guilt of feeling that I am responsible as she says I am always.  I do not know if I am... .  I see doctors and get meds for anxiety and depression in large part from all of this.  I can take most but some like Xanax for spot use I cannot use because I am terrified of not being all there if my wife goes on a rampage and messing up more...
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #1 on: January 02, 2017, 02:01:07 PM »

  Is this community the only hint of sanity left in your life now?

I remember how much it tore me up to hear my wife accuse me of doing, thinking, and feeling things that I knew I wasn't. That everything I did, and everything I failed to do was intended to hurt her. In my heart, I KNEW I wasn't trying to hurt her. But I couldn't convince her, and I was getting torn down and ripped apart hearing those accusations. Again and again and again. Even if they weren't real, her pain and her hurt was VERY real. I couldn't and wouldn't ever deny that part of it.

I was even starting to wonder if maybe I really was trying to hurt her. That I didn't realize it, but I was doing it some subconscious way that I didn't understand. I still knew I wasn't feeling the desire to hurt her, and wasn't choosing to act with that goal.

And I was hurting too, mostly from her attacks.

Those were dark days, indeed.

Fortunately, those days have passed, and things are better for me today. You can find better days as well. Are you ready to do something different?
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hurthusband
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« Reply #2 on: January 19, 2017, 11:43:56 AM »

Always part of the sanity question is I do not want to just chalk everything up to her issues.  If I have issues and do not address them or correct them, any relationship I have will fail and will mean missed opportunities

For instance... my wife caught our son smoking pot the other day... Needless to say she went off the deep end.  I did not see it as the end of the world to find out my son at 17 had started smoking pot a month ago.  I mean I am realistic.  I am not condoning it and tried to explain to him that it is a substance that does have some uses that are helpful under the guidance of a doctor, it has detrimental effects.  I felt that I cannot control him when he is 18 and out of the house, but if he wants to live in the house, that will not be tolerated.  I figured a grounding for a couple of weeks and let him prove himself to earn trust back was enough. 

My wife on the other hand is talking about pulling him from school, not letting him see any of his friends again, and has gone off the complete deep end.  She talks about how she never did drugs in high school under her parents guidance.  The ironic part is that AFTER she graduated she got into meth, alcohol, cocaine, and tried marijuana along with being an alcoholic to this day.  I found it a bit hypocritical.  I do not feel I am biased because I in fact never have used any drug ever.  So if I can be more tolerant with my record, she should be easier with hers.  Not that I would say that... .

but that has her freaked out.  She trying to get a job with my mother who is nervous to work with her because she is unstable.  My mother also just had surguery a month ago and is going through major business issues along with my sister who has gone off the deep end getting into dangerous stuff while having a granddaughter so my mother is meddling in that which she should not, but its stressing her out and she is not paying attention to my wife.  My wife is pissed off at being ignored and mad at me for not telling my mom off for not paying more attention to our family and being there for her.  (My mother also has a tendency to overpromise which is a nightmare to do to my wife).

So end result is I am now kicked out of house with a trashbag of clothing and a marriage certificate she tore up and told that we are divorcing.  She refused to let us talk to kids together about it because I am the stepfather even though I thought it would be better to do together to reassure them it would be ok. 

I do not know... My wife wants me to protect her she says, but I feel like that means fighting everyone around me at all times and asking them to do stuff that is too demanding.  It means settling scores, and I am somebody who feels revenge or settling scores does nothing but cause things to go worse.  Maybe that makes me a coward.  I just view everyone as having issues.  I cannot change them, I recognize their faults and do not count on those faults to be corrected and expect certain results that are not ideal with things.

I do not feel I can force my mother to give my wife a job, I do not know that I can say 10 years from now exactly where I will be in life financially.  I know I am doing well now, but I know I am self employed so there is uncertainty, but what job is there not?  I mean Ringing Bros just went out of business after 140 years.

I do not want to fight to the level she wants to fight at nasty against her neither.  I do not want to embarass her.  Although, I am constantly questioning if she is right and I am too passive.  If I should have stood up and fought for her more.  It does feel like I would be fighting everyone ever in her life if I did, and I would be asking people to be things they are not. 

Its getting worse though since my wife has tried to play friendly with my sister against my advice and my mother.  My sister uses information from my wife against my family.  I mean my family is wrong in some areas in dealing with her, but in the end my wife gets dumped in the fire then gets mad at me.  Then wants me to straighten things out, or not talk to them cause they insulted her. 
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Healthy88
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« Reply #3 on: January 30, 2017, 01:35:52 AM »

Hello Hurthusband,

I don't know, if you have ventured to other boards yet, but there is a post on the Improving Relationships Board about suffering from PTSD via living with someone with BPD. It is a great post and you will soon see that many of us experience some symptoms ourselves too. It may be helpful to read and you will definitely realize you are not alone.
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hurthusband
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« Reply #4 on: January 31, 2017, 06:41:30 PM »

Hello Hurthusband,

I don't know, if you have ventured to other boards yet, but there is a post on the Improving Relationships Board about suffering from PTSD via living with someone with BPD. It is a great post and you will soon see that many of us experience some symptoms ourselves too. It may be helpful to read and you will definitely realize you are not alone.

Missed it but will check out. Wife claims she has ptsd so I know never to let her know
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hurthusband
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« Reply #5 on: February 01, 2017, 10:44:42 AM »

Fog is tricky... you do not know you in it sometimes...

So wife and mother are both obviously crazy... just to cut to chase.  my wife pushing me to find a bowl she gave for Christmas to my mother to give to some friend.  Even when my mother is pissed off over other stuff... .Mother owner of company I am in... idea is I take over it in 2 years... if i do not want to, she will sell it.  Wife hounding me at work always and hounding my mother.  My mother is BPD too im sure of it.  So its a double dossage.  My wife just wants my mom to pay her more attention mainly.  I just work with mother some most of time not... do my thing and deal with wife at home.  The problem is my wife is so angry at my mother she pressuring and making it impossible to do work and she hounding my mother in certain ways trying to hold my mom accountable over slights my mom does. 

Basically, I have been trying to do what i believe is right with both cept do some of the crazy stuff my wife asks.  The result is I am about to lose my wife and my career and my family.  I do not see how I can do anything to fix things with my wife as I cannot change everyone in my family.  I also feel I alone cannot deal with her and she will still be furious over the loss of income and blame me.  So I am stuck... My brain says logical thing is I have to cut my wife loose as she is more unstable and I can at least give her money and take care of her.

My heart worries though is that picking my mother or self over my wife?  I definitely dont wanna do that... I mean I will be giving up millions for my wife which is what I will be doing, but I do not feel that will necessarily improve things with my wife.  If I go ahead and pursue my career and keep people in my life to a degree, I will lose her.  Well I might very well lose her anyways as she does demand alot of things materially.  My mother for most part is fine with me working and doing my job and us talking and not necessarily associating outside of work, but my wife seems to demand if I have anything to do with my mother... she must be waaaay hands on with my wife too.  Ultimately, my wife seems to want the money and want me to change how my mother behaves.  I cannot change my mothers behaviors, I cannot change my wife's behaviors.  They just have to accept each other as who they are I see.  Problem is my wife refuses to accept that, but she is my wife and most important.

Just feels like no win.  Ultimately, its giving up everything that is me to try and please my wife and that might not work.  While I can be accepted as myself with family and work, but lose my wife
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #6 on: February 01, 2017, 11:17:01 AM »

I'm not sure if you can save your marriage or not.

What I am sure is that you can't save it by trying to meet your wife's demands.

She's like a black hole of need, and nothing can satisfy it.

If you give her what she demands, she will demand more. Or twist things around so she can accuse you of not giving her what she demanded, even though you did.

You can keep pouring things into the black hole, but you can never fill it.

These needs and demands are ultimately fueled by her own internal issues and feelings, and as long as you react to them directly, (either capitulating or refusing and getting into a fight), she will never address what's inside her, and the cycle will continue to spiral downward.


... .your wife is angry with you and rages at you. Can you enforce boundaries to remove yourself when she does this? Can you enforce boundaries not to communicate with her when you are at work?

... .you say your mother has BPD. Do you get raged at by her too?
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hurthusband
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« Reply #7 on: February 01, 2017, 01:49:45 PM »

I'm not sure if you can save your marriage or not.

What I am sure is that you can't save it by trying to meet your wife's demands.

She's like a black hole of need, and nothing can satisfy it.

If you give her what she demands, she will demand more. Or twist things around so she can accuse you of not giving her what she demanded, even though you did.

You can keep pouring things into the black hole, but you can never fill it.

These needs and demands are ultimately fueled by her own internal issues and feelings, and as long as you react to them directly, (either capitulating or refusing and getting into a fight), she will never address what's inside her, and the cycle will continue to spiral downward.


... .your wife is angry with you and rages at you. Can you enforce boundaries to remove yourself when she does this? Can you enforce boundaries not to communicate with her when you are at work?

... .you say your mother has BPD. Do you get raged at by her too?

no mother really doesnt rage at me... just wife.  my step dad gets more of the rage part .  My wife does not accept boundaries... its divorce or cant see kids if i reject and its non stop... so that makes it hard
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #8 on: February 01, 2017, 07:55:24 PM »

My wife does not accept boundaries... its divorce or cant see kids if i reject and its non stop... so that makes it hard

You don't tell your wife that you are enforcing a boundary. You take action to do it.

If she is raging, you leave the room, leave the house if needed, etc. or hang up the phone, or stop answering texts.

You don't try to convince her that you are right to leave. You don't try to convince her to stop raging. You simply remove yourself from the rage.

And if she says she will divorce you if you don't stay and let her yell at you, leave anyways. (You can also call her bluff; tell her that it is her choice to file for divorce if she wants to, but you want to stay married.)

If you don't enforce this boundary, nothing will get better. (She may well file for divorce if you do... .but that may be just a threat. You won't know 'till it happens or doesn't.)
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hurthusband
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« Reply #9 on: February 06, 2017, 09:29:00 AM »

I am not sure what I am feeling now...

So this weekend...   wife called panicked cause she caught 15 year old smoking a cigarette.  He argued back and she was furious with him and threatening to call the cops.  WAAAAAY overboard.  I tried talking to him which was first time I was allowed to talk to him in weeks.  I ask him what is going on and why he did that.  I explained the negative effects and that we cannot permit it in the house.  Of course, I am thinking... he is a freshman in high school, his parents are going through what appears to be a divorce.  He is isolated with no family to talk to and his brother is at his dads so he is alone with his bed ridden mom which was one of the things he told her.  This gets things to the next day when they fight again and I am called again.  My son explains he is scared.  I ask if he wants me to come out which he states he does not want me to get into trouble.  Of course, I have to go help.  I let my wife know that things have to calm down and they are getting out of control and he is scared.  She threatens to call the police which I state is fine.  They can assess the situation.  Takes me about hour to get there and when I am almost there they both call to say things are settled and they are about to eat dinner and please do not come.  Wife telling me to never talk to him again nor her

Naturally, I am mentally screwed up.  I do not drink, but I went to have a drink that night.  Had a friendly conversation with some men and women as I had a few drinks and went home.  Next morning I woke up and it honestly felt good to be around people and have them appear to have interest and not judge me.  Speak positively of me.  Have interest in what I have to say.  I thought maybe this isnt so bad and for the first time in 3 weeks I accepted that divorce was inevitable and even instead of wearing wedding ring put it beside the bed.

I mean do not get me wrong, I am worried sick about my wife and what she will do to survive, about the kids, about the hell that is coming up with a divorce and how it will financially ruin me quite possibly.  Then I think that staying with her has strained my relationships with the very few people I have left, nearly cost me job (i still might lose it over her and certainly lost clients not due to her, but the fighting during work day doesnt help), and I feel completely alone and isolated. 

Then it happens...

I go to sleep ready for next day and I get woken by a call from my wife... she states "I have no other choice but to take you back".  Now that is not "I love you and want you back".  She had said the opposite many times past few weeks.  That sounded like I have to have you back.  I am tired but I call her and ask her what that was about.  She is crying and after I explain that sounds like she doesnt want me back but feels forced.  She then backtracks, and I state... I do not know if I can come back now, and its late... I need to get some sleep for work.  I will call her later today.  She says why am I being so cold and mean.  I find this odd since she does same things to me.  I do feel guilty.  I go back to sleep and sleep horribly naturally.

I do not know what to do now.  I do not see much hope in any choice.  I like the thought of having people who possibly care about me in my life away from her.  I like having the kids back and her around when she is normalized.  Both ways have incredible hurdles.

Having the ball in my court now is horrible.  I destroy her and harm the kids trying to save myself or I quite possibly destroy myself in order to help her and the kids.
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GaGrl
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« Reply #10 on: February 06, 2017, 02:35:43 PM »

You have not yet accepted that you cannot "save her."
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« Reply #11 on: February 07, 2017, 12:44:02 PM »

What happens when you define and maintain a BOUNDARY with your wife?
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #12 on: February 07, 2017, 05:18:47 PM »

If your wife tells you that she has "no choice but to take you back" or tells you she has "no choice but kick you out", neither is true. She has a choice.

With two people and a relationship, it always fundamentally works this way regarding choice:

It takes one person saying "no" to end a r/s.

It takes two people saying "yes" to start it or keep it going.

You both have a choice. Don't let your wife put you into the FOG and convince you that the choices don't exist.
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