Estranged from daughter

[Billydawn4]

My apologies for not posting correctly.  I'm told I should be on the "Estranged from Child Board" but I can't find where to enter it.  I'm frantic not hearing from my daughter.  Don't know what to do.

Billydawn4

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi Billydawn4,

I'm not sure where the estranged board went   but you're welcome to post here.

It must be heartbreaking to not be in touch with her. How long has it been since you heard from your daughter? How old is she? Has she done this before?

Does she know she has BPD?

We're here to walk with you and try to help make sense of the ways BPD affects your daughter and her loved ones.

LnL

[oliversmom]

I received the same message from my first post and I can't find the estranged board post either. My son just cut me off last night. It is a gut and heart-wrenching feeling.

[Huat]

Welcome "Oliversmom" and "Billydawn4"

Questions that arise after reading your posts:  How old is your child?  Has this happened before? 

Yes, the ultimate "weapon" used by the child, who you want so much to return your love, is estrangement.  They look for your reaction and if it is the reaction they want, they continue. 

I was 15 when my mother left... .then my daughter ran away the first time when she was 12 (she is now 50).  They are the 2 "bookends" in my life.  I was a young Mom who had no role model to follow, was grappling with ways to be different and better than my mother had been.  Knowing how I struggled to deal with her leaving, my daughter soon discovered THE button to push, and so it began.  When she became too old to run away, she resorted to the grown-up version of running away... .estrangement... .which varied in lengths of time.  As years passed, she got the added advantage of being able to separate us from our grandchildren.

I am now in my mid-70's and I look back on many, many periods of such turmoil... .the same heart wrenching hurt that you are feeling now, I have felt.  It wasn't until this latest episode, which lasted 4 years and brought me to scary depths of despair, that I realized I was the one who had to change.  (Slow learner, huh?)  Why would she change if things were going the way she wanted?  I had to stop playing the role of victim.  Once your character changes, the whole play has to be re-written... .the other characters are forced to change.   Yes, easier said than done but it is your choice... .and it can be done.  Stop wishing for a person your child isn't... .learn how to better deal with who they are.  This website is an excellent source of information on how to do that and in the process, improve your life.

With all that said, even though your child has pulled away from you, there is comfort in knowing that he/she at least safe.  I wish that knowledge for you as you continue on this journey of parenthood.

Keep writing!