Mother with BPD and Twin Sister with BPD

[BehindTheMask]

Hello everyone!

I just found this board and I hope it will be an amazing support system.  My mother was BPD (she passed in Jan 2006) and now my twin sister is suffering from BPD. It's heart breaking to see my twin go through this. And I am usually the one she takes it out in most.  I get why but it does not really lessen the heartache ☹️

I look forward to getting to know you all

Happy New Year!

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome BehindTheMask:   
I'm sorry for the loss of your mother and that your twin is showing signs of BPD.  Has your sister received a diagnosis of BPD?

Just wondering if you are identical twins or fraternal?  Did anything differ in the way you were both raised (or treated)?

We look forward to hearing more of your story, when you are ready to share.  This is a safe place to share and a good place to learn some skills to improve your relationship with your sister.

Happy New Year to you as well.   

[Kwamina]

Hi BehindTheMask

I would like to join Naughty Nibbler in welcoming you to our online community

Dealing with BPD family-members can be very tough. Being raised by a BPD parent isn't easy for a child. Do you feel this still affects you today and if so, in what ways?

Your mother passed away 10 years ago, but you are now dealing with your BPD sister. You mention that she usually takes it out on you the most. Could you tell us a bit more abut her behavior? What would you say are her most difficult or disturbing behaviors and in what ways does she take it out on you?

Happy New Year!

[BehindTheMask]

Hello Naughty Nibbler (love the screen name!)

 I hate to admit this; however, there was a sense of relief after her passing because I knew the chaos we have been living with for so many years was finally over. Ironically my mother passed from a very rare brain cancer. And I found it ironic that she ended up with a rare brain cancer when she had such a very intricate mental disorder .

 I am a fraternal twin.   She and I favor as siblings at best. Most of the time people don't even believe we are family much less twins.  She strongly resembles our mother's side of the family and I strongly resemble our father's side of the family.    We are the youngest of five children. The older three siblings are all boys .

Although raised in the same home we were treated very differently. I read a book several years ago called children of mothers a borderline personality disorder her. Or at least they believe that was the name of it. Nevertheless, I really began to understand that and most of the homes  there is a "all good child" and a "all bad child".    My twin sister was labeled  The "all bad child". And I was labeled the "all good child". And I was completely blown away by this book because we were so text book, classic characteristics of not only how we were treated but how we turned out to be as adults. I ended up the classic overachiever with depression and anxiety masked by a image of perfection and "I have it all together".   She turned out to be an overachiever who unfortunately also ended up with the diagnosis of BPD. And that is a clinical diagnosis for her. She is also struggling alcoholic who is at this moment sober.   She is a single mother with an autistic child and she struggles so much to keep it all together. But she is intensely angry and struggles with her rage.   I usually become her emotional whipping post .

 I began researching today to see if there was a place like this and I was so grateful to find this board. This is something we have been struggling with for 44 years. I did not know there was even a support group out there of other people that I could talk to. So I'm really looking forward to being able to share and being able to be there for others who have this in their lives.

My twin has recently had a very bad episode which is what prompted me to find a support group because it triggered my anxiety.

[BehindTheMask]

Kwamina!  Thank you fir your post!  I will reply now. How kind of you to inquire

[BehindTheMask]

Kwamina,

It absolutely still effects me to this day being raised by a BPD mom.  I suffer from depression and high-functioning anxiety - both diagnosed. I take medication for them regularly and stay in therapy to try to maintain normalcy in my life.

My suste likes to verbally beat up on me.  As I'm sure a lot of us have experienced that the BPD individual likes to tear others down in order to feel better about themselves. And that is exactly what my sister likes to do. Plus she wants to play the victim. And manipulate a lot. And now that I am much more aware and have read so much and have been in counseling for so long I do not play into those games which makes her very angry .    So she will try to take her rage out on me. But this is all over text because she refuses a phone call. We live across the country from each other now so a face to face confrontation is out of the question.   Of course she likes to bring up issues from the past at very random and illogical times. As if I'm supposed to read her mind understand why she brought it up.

 I think the only attribute she does not possess is being suicidal. And that's of her own admission and her counselors.  When she is in a good state of mind she can readily admit that she possesses all of the other attributes. And that by far her worst are the rage, feelings of an adequacy and feelings of or fear of abandonment 

 I tend to resort back to some of the same emotions I felt when my mother would flip out on me, as I used to call it. And now as an adult I try to take deep breath's. Refocus. Remind myself that I am no longer a child. And that I am in control. That I do not need to seek anyone's approval. And that  I am safe and I have everything I need right where I am at

It doesnt always work but it's a starting point

[Kwamina]

Hi again BehinTheMask

Thanks for answering my questions.

I have multiple BPD family-members too and know from this personal experience how difficult this can be. In many ways being raised by a BPD parent can be traumatic and I can definitely see how your sister's current behavior would then trigger you.

When I read your last post, it reminds of many things that have been said in a discussion we had here about dealing with trauma. Several of our members find themselves struggling with (c)PTSD which manifests itself in symptoms such as emotional flashbacks and inner critic attacks. You can find that thread here:
Dealing with trauma: PTSD, C-PTSD and emotional flashbacks

Were you already familiar with the concept of emotional flashbacks?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[Joy6]

Hi! I also have a twin brother who suffers from it like our mom. It is so hard  I love him so much but he is all over the place and has frequent angry outbursts.

[BehindTheMask]

Yes I am familiar with emotional flash backs and I indeed have been diagnosed with PTSD as result of my upbringing too ☹️.   Thankfully I have had some excellent counselors along the way that have really added to the reading and research I have done on this topic. I have spent some time recently also learning about mindfulness and trying to learn to be in the present. That is so difficult for me .  It is so hard to push the emotions and the physical memories and the thoughts away and just become calm. It's so unfortunate that chaos is where I function best. And I don't want to live like that anymore. I find myself so often wondering how long it will take me in counseling and therapy to "reboot" my mind and finally live more of a "Normal" life.  Whatever that is.   And yet I do find moments of appreciation for how I grew up because I have been able to help others along the way who also suffered and didn't know how to begin to reach out for help or support .   It is a double edge sword for sure

Joy6 -  I am so sad that we have this in common, but thankful you have shared this with me. It's so heartbreaking to see her siblings and especially our twins suffer in this way

[Joy6]

Behindthemask. I cannot believe how much I understand you. Im in tears knowing Im not alone.

[BehindTheMask]

I'm here for you Joy6. I'm glad we all have each other.   I'm just so grateful I found a place I can finally be "real". And stop hiding the secret. Pull the curtain back and just be honest about all the craziness that has gone on for so long. 

[BehindTheMask]

And it's so so comforting to know I'm not alone. I feel very alone and isolated more times than not.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Madmoxxi:
Thanks for sharing.  I'm fascinated regarding the root cause of BPD, genetics versus environmental.  So, twins present an interesting situation.  Makes more sense, with a fraternal twin.  A situation with identical twins, would present a very interesting situation.  

My sister is undiagnosed, but seems to be a high-functioning BPD.  I'm currently painted black.  Once I learned about BPD through therapy, I could see that my dad had several BPD traits. My dad didn't have enough traits to wear the BPD label, but he was a rager and very critical.  Although he used less of the "silent treatment", as he got older, I have memories growing of of times my dad wouldn't talk to my mom for weeks at a time.  Sometime, I wondered how my mom could stay married to him.  I loved my dad, but it didn't take me long to figure out that I'd never have a critical man in my life.

I have spent some time recently also learning about mindfulness and trying to learn to be in the present. That is so difficult for me .  It is so hard to push the emotions and the physical memories and the thoughts away and just become calm.

You might try the two links below for some mindfulness opportunities:

MINDFULNESS EXERCISE - FROM BOOK" HAPPINESS TRAP"
https://www.thehappinesstrap.com/upimages/Informal_Mindfulness_Exercises.pdf

12 minute Thought Stream Meditation with Dr. Mike Dow
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0Lo5tUXkVI