Should I get divorced from my u-BPD wife?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My wife is a popular family doctor with numerous testimonials from grateful patients. I've lived with her undiagnosed BPD for years but it's getting worse. In addition to her sullen, angry silences, she communicates with one word answers or meltdowns, rarely anything rational. I'm blamed, rejected and isolated. I eat and sleep alone. Yet if anyone comes to the house she instantly displays her public personality and my credibility with few remaining mutual friends is zero. My defense has been to build my own life and I've been quite successful. I've suggested we have separate homes but her answer is divorce or nothing.

I'm afraid of divorce in my retirement years, regarding this as a trip through hell, with doubt about whether I'd emerge intact. I save and she spends, so she would profit significantly, and in so doing would eliminate much of my children's inheritance. The alternatives are to focus more on my own life which I've already started, or initiate divorce with a financial penalty and an uncertain future. I'm about 50/50 in terms of which way to go but would be interested in other opinions.

[Oakridge]

My wife is a popular family doctor with numerous testimonials from grateful patients. I've lived with her undiagnosed BPD for years but it's getting worse. In addition to her sullen, angry silences, she communicates with one word answers or meltdowns, rarely anything rational. I'm blamed, rejected and isolated. I eat and sleep alone. Yet if anyone comes to the house she instantly displays her public personality and my credibility with few remaining mutual friends is zero. My defense has been to build my own life and I've been quite successful. I've suggested we have separate homes but her answer is divorce or nothing.

I'm afraid of divorce in my retirement years, regarding this as a trip through hell, with doubt about whether I'd emerge intact. I save and she spends, so she would profit significantly, and in so doing would eliminate much of my children's inheritance. The alternatives are to focus more on my own life which I've already started, or initiate divorce with a financial penalty and an uncertain future. I'm about 50/50 in terms of which way to go but would be interested in other opinions.

[jonmnemonic]

I would start by developing a good support group for yourself.  By that I don't mean a pity party but rather people you share with what's actually going on in your life.  People who will give you sound advice not just yes men or knee-jerk stuff.  I don't advocate for divorce unless there's been infidelity but I would recommend a physical separation for a time.  Your wife has you exactly where she wants you and the only way to change that is for you to take action.

[oshinko maki]

Are your children living on their own now? If not, can/will you get the custody you want?
To help with your wife contributing to your children's future, would it help if you tried asking her about setting up a trust fund or other instrument for your children?
Can you separate your accounts to help limit the financial impact on your children?