Sadness. Grieving

[Stosh]

 I have been with J. for 13 years.  It has been a rollercoaster ride.  Because of constant fighting I filed for divorce two years ago. Since that time I have tried to establish a  committed relationship with her with us living in two different places. She has made it clear that she is only I nterested in us living together and being married. I tried that once and it didn't work. I felt that I could tolerate her behavior as long as I have another place to retreat.
 Because I label myself as having love addiction I spent 45 days in a rehab facility. She joined me there for a week and agreed that she also suffered from a similar problem. Three months ago when we left the rehab we both were committed to getting a trained therapist to help us with our communication. We been seeing a therapist for several weeks.
 Two weeks ago she stated that she no longer wanted to be any monogamous,committed relationship with me. I have been very sad and disappointed that all of this hard work has not allowed us to live in peace.

I am starting to grieve the loss of the dream that I have had to maintain a committed relationship with her.
  She has never been formally diagnosed as BPD, however several people have suggested that her behavior is consistent with that diagnosis.
 After reading the book "Walking on eggshells and "I am convinced that she has BPD.

I still have some guilt over the fact that I have not been able to solve this problem. I know that is unrealistic.  I do attend Al-Anon meetings regularly.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Stosh-

And welcome!  I'm sorry you're going through that, all that work, rehab, commitment, and she doesn't want it, very painful and confusing.  There is a way out though, which includes grieving the loss of the relationship, processing all the emotions, and seeing what we can learn about ourselves along the way.  It's not easy, but it's not complicated either, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time.

You mention you're convinced she has the disorder, and while a diagnosis doesn't really matter, it's the behaviors and how they affected us that matter, a lot of us have gotten value from this article at this stage:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Check that out, read a lot of posts, and post as much as you need to, it will get better.  Take care of you!

[Hisaccount]

I agree, diagnosed or not if she displays the traits then you need to treat her as if she is BPD. The things you read and learn on this site will help.

In the mean time focus on you. Healing you.
You cannot fix her. You cannot change her.
The love addiction is common. I have it. Very hard to break free from.
Sadness can be debilitating.

When it comes to the dream, the dream of your future, that was never going to happen. As hard as it is to let go, you need to move on from that.
I had the hardest time with that. All the plans we made. But truth is, they were never going to happen. She is not capable of holding up her end of the relationship.
The only future is the future you make. You were always going at it alone whether you realize it yet or not.

[Confused#9999]

The dreams of the future is hard to let go. As you can see, a lot of us struggle with that. The things she said she wants to do with me, were never done. There was always an excuse why should couldn't do what she said she wanted to. Something simple as taking a trip with me for the weekend.
Trying not to think about her is extremely difficult, even if the "relationship" was short.