I am beyond confused BPD gf broke up with me flirts with me then ignores me

[Dayla]

I cannot take the torture! My BPD gf broke up with me Nov. 26 has had a mutual male friend staying at her house on a regular basis and is always with him since 1week after she fought me and broke it off. Says they aren't intimate but, just friends. Says she is letting God work on her but, doesn't appear to be getting therapy. Says she doesn't want to be co dependent and needs space. He is saying he is just her friend.

I am so confused because when she is around me, her love oozes out of her even when she tries to she doesn't seem to be able to control it. It is my understanding that the closer you get to someone with the disorder the more they sabotage the relationship. I am aware that everyone says leave her alone and she is no good but, I swore to her I would never abandon her. I know she loves me. She says right now God says no and that we can't be together and that her heart has to catch up with her mind. Says she is no good for anyone. I know all the risks. I have immersed myself in information about BPD for months. I am a codependent rescuer and I am fully aware of it and I am working on building my self esteem through therapy. I love her. I am clear that I want to be with her.

The thing that is the most confusing is the loving way she looks and talks to me even though she has convinced herself of how "black" I am. It's as if she has to remind herself to be mad at me or something. This hurts worse than all hell. I don't want to lose her. She is my best friend. I just want my baby back.

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[Curiously1]

Sorry you are going through this. Have you reached out to her recently and told her how you feel about her?
A relationship takes two and she has to be willing to work things out. You might be possibly right that she is holding back since it doesn't appear that she hates you/painted you black but how she feels right now and her own insecurities are her own issues. If you haven't already, my suggestion is to tell her again how you feel and that you want to work on things and see if she is willing. Maybe some time apart might make her miss you, and she will reach out. I don't know. Either way, she needs to be willing to work on things with you.

[Dayla]

I have told her how much I love her. Her response has never been that she doesn't love me. It has always been how much she loves me as well. Her pastors have told her that God says no to our relationship. That is because of some webs she spun directed at me that they were aware of? They know about the last physical altercation which I'm sure she placed all the blame on me and said it was self defense. They are counseling with half of the story though. She is going through a lot personally and my friend is my emotional replacement. He listens and is there but, he isn't me. I think maybe I have overreached out to her. I can't help it. I know she hates to be alone. I know everything about her. She is literally my best friend. We work together and have business together. We tell each other we love each other when we leave each other or conclude a conversation. Whenever I do attempt to give her space she calls me but, I think I may just overwhelm her with my responses of overflowing love because of how I feel. I am at a loss. The torture of seeing her, knowing how she feels and knowing that people have told her we need space as well, knowing that since I'm not there she is replacing me emotionally (She still wants me physically I believe and doesn't want to betray that way again because she has done it in the past) is driving me nuts. What do I do? This is completely hurtful and confusing. I know she doesn't want to be the way she is. I have been here for her in ways people will never know.

What more can I do?

[Curiously1]

 I totally get that panicky feeling that she could just replace you emotionally and be fine without you. I certainly went through something similar, panicking that oh no my exes friend is always there for her I cannot get through to her anymore. And it seems harder that she may truly believe that God doesn't think you two should be together. Like, if that is true, you gotta respect her beliefs.

To be honest it is either you respect her decision, give her space and hopefully she changes her mind OR you do what I used to do. Every person with BPD is different and I knew my exBPDgf really well. We had similar where we still loved each other even when we broke up and had space with her believing it won't work out. I used to blow up her phone and overly tell her how much I loved her and she would eventually cave in. Eventually that didn't work because of certain circumstances and I then I became a friend (temporarily). I left her cold turkey because I couldnt take it anymore and she missed me so much she took me back. I am good with my words though. She always melts into my hand and she hated it too at times. We arent currently together but she still loves me, I know. Not so much anymore now that she is in a new r/s but we are in good terms and sees me in a good light.
It really depends on what you want to do. Most people would say respect her space and back off. It's for your own self-respect/dignity too. All I am saying is sometimes bothering them excessively can work but I wouldn't recommend it just because it worked for my ex.
I guess my #1 advice to you is to make the most of time apart from her. Start focusing on yourself and trying to move on. But if you really want to option #2 for me would be to tell her how you feel again and if there is any way it can work. Youd do anything for her etc.

[Dayla]

I have gone without calling her and she winds up calling me. It's nuts. She is a co dependent rescuer as well she hates see me messed up. We are both a mess I guess.

I am gong to let her take the lead on it. I suppose that will satisfy her control craving. I don't know. This hurts. I guess I have to be more brave.

[Curiously1]

 Dayla I wish you all the best. It hurts I know, whatever you decide to do, you must try and to find some peace for yourself whilst all of this is going on. Perhaps the fact that she still reaches out is still validating and comforting thing for you? Knowing that she still cares even though you are not currently a couple. Keep posting. Let us know what happens.

[Meili]

Something that you said Dayla struck me when I was reading this thread. You said that you, perhaps overly, express your love for her, but that she is leaning on the friend for emotional support. What do you think would happen if you emotionally supported her? Can you listen with empathy and not invalidate what she's telling you?

[Dayla]

A problem that I have had is being defensive and making invalidating statements. I am continuously working to be better at not being invalidating. I am so confused because, when she is in my presence she is literally fighting herself to keep "distance" between us. It is thoroughly confusing. I don't know what to do.

[Dayla]

I have definitely been her emotional support. She found out that I spoke to a couple friends about our situation and feels betrayed. I was just looking for support. She is really resentful of that as she likes for people to think she has it all together (we all do i guess).

[Meili]

I'm confused. First you said:

A problem that I have had is being defensive and making invalidating statements.

Followed by:

I have definitely been her emotional support.

Those two seem to be in direct conflict with one another.

She found out that I spoke to a couple friends about our situation and feels betrayed.

pwBPD don't like for others to know what is going on because it shows their true nature. It can be extremely hard for them to face who they are. This is why they project onto others, and have so much trouble getting help with their disorder.

I learned to not talk to family and friends about what was going on with my uBPDexgf. They only heard my side of the story and formed their opinions of her based on that. It made things much more difficult when we attempted to reconcile because my family and friends no longer liked her. I found myself defending her and the reconciliation quite often. It caused additional and unnecessary problems between her and me which only intensified our already volatile relationship. Her embarrassment and shame were projected onto me as betrayal, lack of loyalty, and disrespect. I was a bad human in her mind who lacked any morals as a result.

[Hlinthewiking]

Her pastors have told her that God says no to our relationship.

How is her church towards same sex relationships? Is there a possibility that the pastors might have made her feel guilty for loving you and believing it's a sin? Being BPD, religious and hearing things like that can be hard for sure, specially if she doesn't accept herself or doesn't know who she is. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I wanted to ask you about in case it was a possibility.

If that is the case she needs guidance into accepting who she is and making a decision about what SHE wants and God for sure will never blame her or love her less for sharing love and good feelings with another human being.

[Dayla]

I wish I had known that talking to people we both know isn't such a great idea. They think she is a bad person and I defend her continuously. She thinks I am a terrible human being who is trying to "make her look bad". Early on without knowing about BPD I made tons of invalidating statements which of course she never forgives me for. I have made great strides to do better in that regard. She has gone on a smear campaign to regain her "good image". Now a couple of those same folk are treating me badly. She, however, has been extremely flirtatious towards me and it is hard to understand. I have a session with my T in a few days and hopefully they can help me understand.

[Dayla]

As for our relationship, we are not same sex and I don't rightly understand why her pastors are saying that. I do know that they are unaware that she is BPD as she isn't officially diagnosed. I have walked with her through very low moments of her life and it seems like she really wants to be with me. However, she refers to what they said whenever her loving feelings for me overwhelm her. It's a tough position to be in.