Help ASAP : Daughter of a narcissistic BP mother

[Aztk19]

Hi.

I had a high-conflict divorce. The last years of the 11-year marriage were a nightmare and of course the separation was very difficult.  I felt so guilty and confused because I didn´t understand what was happening, the situation was a whirlwind and the only thing I had in my mind was to protect my daughter. I kept thinking over and over again about what happened, the surreal and irrational behavior of my ex-wife,  and if there was anything else I could have done to avoid the separation. Finally, by sheer luck,  I found the "Splitting" book and then "Stop Walking on Eggshells".

Then, 2 years after the divorce, I found out that I was married to a high-functioning narcissistic BP. Those books have been like instruction manuals on how to assemble a puzzle that I was trying to fit to a rational individual, when in fact the individual has a severe personality disorder. All pieces began to fit and I was very surprised when I read almost the identical phrases or situations of my ex-wife.  It has been a huge relief to me. But this is a very short introduction to the actual situation.

My daughter is 8 years old and she is under a barrage of control and manipulation by her high-functioning narcissistic BP mother, much in the same way as I was. Every time my daughter comes back after seeing her mother, the girl  is stressed and angry, this period lasts one day and then she is back to her normal self again: Bright, sweet, smart. But she never says anything about the situation with her mother. When I ask her, she is silent, avoids eye-contact and sometimes she says "I can´t tell". But you can easily note that the manipulation process is under way. A recent example : This vacation, after a visit to her mother, the little girl was crying. She said to me that she was very worried because she wouldn´t be with her mother if her grandparents died and no one would go to their funeral (her grandparents are ok) and what if her mother fells sick (her mother is perfectly ok).

Now I have read the books and I understand the BP behavior, but I don´t have a single clue on how to prepare a little girl against it and how to help her to cope with the barrage. It seems that I am acting after the harm is done. I need to train and prepare my daughter. The girl loves her mother. You understand the situation. I am very sorry to see that her mother will become a toxic relationship and if I don´t act then the consequences for my daughter will be long-lasting and deep.

I am sure that someone else has the same problem. All help will really be appreciated, guidelines, advice, books to read.

Thank you.

[Panda39]

Hi Aztk19,

Here is a link to more information regarding co-parenting with a person with BPD.  You will probably be most interested in "Lesson 5"... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.0

Validating your daughters feelings is important and asking her questions to help her figure out solutions to issues with her mom is also key.  Rescuing/running to your ex with everything your daughter tells you or that you disagree with in terms of parenting can more drama for your child... .remember blank and white thinking can go hand in hand with BPD... .so your ex can perceive your daughter loving you (by sharing things with you) and not her... .she can't recognize that your daughter loves both of you.  I'm not saying don't interfere if you think your daughter is in danger but co-parenting with someone with BPD can mean that she parents her way and you parent yours even it you don't agree with what she's doing. What is key is arming your daughter with tools that can help her.

My SO always thought of it this way... .are my daughters in danger? are my daughters getting what they need?  and the hardest one of all is letting them make mistakes (buying some BS their mother is offering) and learning from those mistakes. 

He has always been there to listen, offer advice, step in when he needs to and pick up the pieces when he needs to.

You might also consider getting your daughter into therapy (a therapist that understands BPD) it can really help to have an neutral outside party that your daughter can talk with and learn some coping skills from.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Stolen]

Az,

I'd like to offer my simple "structural" advice. Fight to spend as much time with you daughter as you can - all of the time you spend with her has value, to both of you.  In my case, when my daughters were the age of yours, it was still a cohesive family and I considered my relationships with both daughters to be loving and strong. When xW began an obsessive relationship with a "BFF", the kids were 9 and 12. As xW spiraled into someone unrecognizable to me, she drew the girls along with her. The home situation gradually turned toxic with more and more rage episodes.

Since my "alone" time with the girls was still very good, I made the mistake of allowing xW to move out with them. I assumed (!) the girls would want to spend considerable time at our home, with me, and it will be better since there evil intermediary would not be present.

Well, since that decision 4 1/2 years ago, I have seen my daughters for less than 20 hours. The reflect more and more their mother's arrogant, dismissive anger. A text book case of alienation, following Childress' "cross generational coalition" model so well.

Fight for every bit of time you can get. Read all of Childress' articles regarding attachment and family systems theory and how they feed alienation. And then be hyper vigilant.  Once alienation takes hold, it is very hard to counter.

"Understanding the Borderline Mother" by Christine Ann Lawson explained much to me.  Beyond the relationship between xW and my daughters, it also explained much about the two prior generations in her FOO.  Your xW's relationship with her mother should bear examination - history repeats... .

Good luck and stay close to her.

[Aztk19]

Panda39, Stolen : Thank you very much. I will review the info you gave to me.