I am always triggered by the holidays, with my two daughters being severely alienated from me. This Christmas marked the 5th that I have spent without seeing them, and it just does not get any easier.
That said, I was pondering patterns in xW's FOO that appear to show not just a history of PDs, but of a very specific and damaging behavior. I was wondering if anyone else had seen such going back in time.
xW's grandmother, who I only met as an elderly woman, still carried significant anger regarding her (deceased) husband's family. I listened many times to her rail on how they were "no good", and I heard from others how she had completely severed any relationship with them. Grandma's children, hence, grew up with no contact with their father's family. Grandpa, who I only knew for a short time, was described to me by family members as being primarily devoted to "keeping Grandma from being mad". So, there is generation #1.
xW's mother (my xMIL), besides being one of the angriest people I ever met, had completely severed relationship with her husband's (my xFIL) family. Many times I heard her describe them in terribly demeaning and insulting terms, and her children (including xW) all enthusiastically parroted her opinion, even though they had at best minimal exposure during their earliest years. xW and her siblings, hence, grew up with no contact with their father's family. Generation #2 now covered.
My mother was never an easy person, but not nearly as nasty, intrusive and destructive as MIL. But xW constantly treated her derisively, particularly once we had kids, referring to her as "cat lady" to brand her to the children. My brother (only other FOO for me) was similarly diminished continually. I sadly appeased much of this, choosing such vs a continual battle, and again, Mom had her difficult traits - it did not seem like such a tough "choice" for me. (I am glad I had the chance to acknowledge and apologize for my role in this estrangement, and we were probably closer in the last 2 years than ever)
Once xW moved ahead in divorce mode, my children had been fully alienated from my FOO, they ignored Christmas cards sent here (with checks), and last summer refused to even visit her during her final stay in a (local) hospital, ignoring repeated requests from me. My mother passed away having not seen her only grandchildren in over five years. So that winds up Gen #3.
Three generations of family, all evolving (sic) to the total severing of the father's family. When I finally pieced this all together the similarity was striking.
btw, I was the only one to be divorced, which I credit no-fault divorce with enabling. Both FIL and Grandpa were terribly whipped. I guess I missed or ignored the flags
.
Just musing here - and wondering if anyone else experienced or observed similar multi-generation toxicity.
Happy New Year.
