How do I win her back?

[icesoul]

I got kids with this woman (undiagnosed BPD).  i belive she has it. beatuiful woman, been very nice and kind for 6 years, this year she flipped. i searched the borderline personality before but really got into it "after" she left me for replacement.

all the symtoms matched
* push/ pull beavior
* false allegations (says i beat her (never happened), although she told me dad used to beat mom.
* smear/ distortian compaign
* strange made up strories (not sure if thats BPD). writing letters to self, says someone knocks on windows
* attention seeking
* infedility, replacement (found out about this after she left me)
* hates her mom (also witch borderline i believe), father abonded her at 12yr

i loved, loved, loved to this woman to death. i even kissed her feet. had 3 kids with and she left me while she was pregnant. 6 years she was more than stable. few push/pull behavior, definetly silent treatments.

i believe i triggered her, countering her arguments cause i didnt understand the strange behavior. i didnt know why someone with go silent for unusual disagreements. i took me years to start looking stuff on the internet. i still chose to overlook it but didnt realize how serious the illness can get. her arguments were mostly irrational, and if i countered, she would bring other arguments which is not relatvant to the first topic. she used to really irritate me with silent treatements but  that was not the hard part, bottom line, its  the infedility just crushed me into million pieces. mostly we had good life so i cant say like others that i had a miserable time with her

she put me in jail first time in 5/16 cause i said i would divorce her if she correct her behavior... i went to sleep and woke up and and was being arrested, cops false accused me of hitting her. i bailed out in few days, first time ever, she went on a smear campaign, she never talked bad about me in the past.  i was so shocked when people told me, i was like this cant be true, not her, i never seen this side of her. i was like ur kidding? but it was all true. we reconsiled, and few months later, she was now feeling the power of the law,  was harrasming me to daily to lock me daily if i said even something very minor back to her.

i dont back down easily when im not wrong, i will try just as much hard trying to prove my point (bad idea with someone with BPD). i didnt understand how this girl was going to direspect me with jail threats, when i already forgave her for falsely sending me to jail. It was all baits, to drag me into more arguments, it esculated, she started hitting her hands on kitchen counters, and walls and now saying she will tell cops i did it (luckily i didnt get arrested that time)... i also had cps visit, i think she was behind it, im s ure she told lies to CPS about our kids, since CPS couldnt get me, she got more upset. she had few medical "passing out" (possible seizure?) for no reason visits to emergency few years back,. i found her medical records, she got paranoid that i was gona use it against her in court when it was really for me to beat my first case.

she got me locked upjust for that, she lied to cops saying saying i would hurt her if she testify against me, complete lie. i had a police report in advance, and audio recording (native language) of her doing all this to her self, the cops ignored all my evidence and arrested me anyway and threw me in jail

she left me, 3 weeks later. got with a loser guy possibly met him on internet, moved in to some low class neightborhood. took the kids with her. i seen the pictures of them, just damaged me to the core. as many disagreements / we had, i didnt know she was capable of cheating while having my kid in her stomach (unless its not mine)... .this can damage any man. where are the morals?  

it sucks but i want to win her back to save the family  but she been dead silent for last 3 months. i know you guys wondering why i want this woman back. i got 4 kids. she is mentally sick, i still love her. she is idealization phase with this joker/clown she is dating. he thinks he saving some domestic violence victim (what an idiot). her mom sometimes blames it all on me, or tells me wife been saying i was not a good husband. or i didnt earn enough or didnt have a job. which is stupid, it was never about the job. just useless excuses, my w liked me staying home helping out with kids. how do i win this woman back? how do i get her in therapy? is she capable of real love?

what hurts the most, is that she put pictures of her affair with no remorse, with poker face. laughging, and acting like nothing has happened. how ruthless is that? she erased our whole past and whoever talks to her like "what ur doing ur pregant" she resorts to how much of a bad husband i been and its somehow all my fault.

lastly she wouldnt let me see the kids. i miss/ love my kids. i sitll love this woman but i dont think ic an ever get passed from the adultery, im not built for that. it hurts me, it took away something form me that i dont think i will gain it back. ic an hardly smile... .i was not perfect in this relationship. i had my ass moments, but i dont deserve this, nor i ever touched this woman. she is just percieve "somehow she was abused" or i was "controlling". i do have dominating personality and i do have strong boundaries, she definetly felt engulfed.

do i win woman back with no contact? or do i keep in touch wiht mom. im loss for words. She currently seems to be in idealizing phase wtih this guy. he seems decent, wanting to play the savior role of a victim. She was pretty nice for first 6 years with me, so i doubt she will go in this crazy mode that fast. with me, it all started this year... maybe she was bored, maybe i gave her too many kids to deal with, or mayshe was bored, who knows what happened.

after the first jail trip, it triggered her illness hardcore. now she on intense smear campaign... I need your guys help? what should i do? she is still the mother of my kids. worst part is court system sucks. i have "no contact" with her so i cant contact her directly but my family can talk to her but she already started arguments and no longer speaking. What do i do? would she realize what she is doing? she left a solid relationship for some punk? she comes from a conversative family/ culture, definetly been abused as a child. worst part is if she comes back, im not even sure how would i handle her infedility, jail was the easy part, its the cheating thats so hurtful

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[icesoul]

part i dont understand that she havent made any attempts to contact me, its been 3 months. maybe she scared cause she can get in trouble due to "no contact" but the case is on me, not her, i dont belive there is any restriction on her. she did reach out to my family once a month and a half ago, she needed money for kids, food, clothing, etc etc. my family went and helped her. my family asked her repeatedly "she wants a divorce"? she go NO, why would i be calling you if i did, which makes it even more confusing. she said, she was willing to leave the guy and come back home, atleats my family convinced her to come back home for sake of kids and salvage the marriage. maybe she pulled this stunt for money, they talked for few days and everything seemed good. she wanted to get "me" on phone, but i refused due to no contact.

finally, she wrote to my sister "if that guy ever try to call my family dont answer". which is weird cause when my family went to drop off all the groceries and stufff, the guy was inside the apartment and it was no problem then, but all of a sudden it was a problem to my wife. my sister made a mistake and asked her next day if eveyrthing was ok, she just dissaperad after that... then my sister got a voicemail, which sounded like she was having a lightweight argument with the guy wanting to see her phone. my sister sent the police over there to check it out. maybe that might of triggered her ahger cause its usually her calling the police, who knows? maybe she got upset and never contacted my family again.

when she dissapereard for 2 weeks after, my sister finally got a little upset asked her, that she promised her that she would discontinue the offer and she didnt keep her part of the bargain and maybe its best to get a divorce cause she continue to dispresect the marriage. hell broke loose and she responded immediately, my wife went on distortion campagin instantly on texts about how much of a bad husband father and i been. maybe speaking of divorce triggered her. its weird cause she wanted to keep the marriage but all of a sudden, she went back to arguing. im not sure what is this girl is waiting for, either divorce me and get with this new guy who she is already living with, or come bakc and try to work at a marriage. she is giving very mixed answers or no answer at all, nobody knows what she wants, cause she wont say... all we getting now i silent treatement, only god knows whats going on in her head

[enlighten me]

Hi Icesoul

A big problem with pwBPD is they act on impulse and when it goes wrong cant admit they where wrong due to shame and guilt.

One thing that seems common is the less the non did wrong the harder it is for the pwBPD to reach out to them. The less people did wrong the more outlandish the allegations against them become as if to justify the unjustifiable.

Another thing that seems common in these situations is that the more you chase them the less they want to know. It seems that they only become interested once you move on. Maybe when you chase them they feel safe that they can have you back whenever they want but when you stop they panic and realise their security blanket is gone.

[Meili]

Getting passed the infidelity is going to be hard, but trust can be rebuilt if both parties cooperate and want that to happen.

I think that EM is on the right track about being wanted when we've "moved on." I look at it as once we have regained our strength, and are no longer a "doormat" for the pwBPD, we are more attractive to them. We do not actually have to "move on" to reach that point though. To reach that point, we have to start living for ourselves. We need to stop being scared of how our pwBPD might react to something that we do.

What are you doing to take care of yourself?

[Oncebitten]

Its such a double edged sword with them... .they need you to chase them so they don't feel abandoned, they need you to chase them bc they can't admit fault... .and yet when you do you push them further away. 

I can tell you that I am terrible at this... .but really you need them to reach out to you or at least reach back if you reach out to them softly so to speak

[icesoul]

Hi Icesoul

A big problem with pwBPD is they act on impulse and when it goes wrong cant admit they where wrong due to shame and guilt.

One thing that seems common is the less the non did wrong the harder it is for the pwBPD to reach out to them. The less people did wrong the more outlandish the allegations against them become as if to justify the unjustifiable.

Another thing that seems common in these situations is that the more you chase them the less they want to know. It seems that they only become interested once you move on. Maybe when you chase them they feel safe that they can have you back whenever they want but when you stop they panic and realise their security blanket is gone.

im not sure if the replacement was impulsive or not, im sure she had him ready to go for a while by playing victim or may she wanted use him for one time affair. you are correct, she wont admit her fault, cause everytime sometimes even discusses hte affair, she goes into attack mode about me about how i abused her for 6-7 years. i thinks he trying to show the family that she made the right decision cause admitting fault doesnt exist in their world. now i dont really know at this point, does she really believe her own lies. she is MADt hat her family knows about the affair cause her FB was under a fictitious name previously, someone shared her pics to family back home(another country) and her family no longer want to associate with her cause her family feel she ruined a happy home. she blaming her pics being shared on me, somehow my fault. finally now she made a account in her real name, to show everyone she is not backing out. its a theory, im sure she took pic of self injuries to face (1st case) & hand and send it to guy to gain sympathy. cause i went back to that guy FB timeline and semed like he was talking about how guy shouldnt hit women (moron, he doesnt know what he dealing with)...

i thought borderlines done feel "guilt" only shame? the part i think was impulsive was sending me to jail twice cause maybe she didnt think of the consequences. cause once i was throwin in jail, she had to prove it to her family how much of a bad husband i was so she had to lie lie and lie. the 2nd time she sent me to jail, she was getting more and more angry, almost seemed detached from reality and being paranoid. she would talk to her mom on the phone and talk bad about me, almost tringulating to get her mom to side with her to get me upset. and for any reason, i called a family memeber discussing the crisis, then she thought we were all plotting against her. it was not a good move on my part. i was guess i was trying to show her how it feels to put your personal business to family (Again tuff love doesnt work).


i cant say i didnt do much wrong in the relationship, i wasnt perfect. i wasnt mature enough. like i would say i would divorce you, or i would disagree hard how we should have more kids. maybe she was very stressed out with me. im not the co-depenedent type cause i laid out the boundaries hard but all of that backfired on me cause she now acting like a big rebelious kid. the distortion campaign from her part is going strong, atleast to her mom since nobody in her family even believes her anymore. im not sure where she got this domestic violence ideas in her head. it has to be something from her past. i think she got it cause she told me many times the dad used to beat the hell ouf of the mom. and the mom used to beat her black and blue (this has been confirmed by her past friends as well). things people do to children is what results in this mess.

lastly i say this, yes i tried to chase her and nothing worked and told her mom i still loved her. mom is a straight basket case too so its no help cause she turns around and blames me for everything as well. do you think, i should maybe i need to cut "all contact" with mom, cause the mom did tell me that, my wife does calls and ask "does he call you"?  you are absoulutely right, the security blanket is still there so im guessing, my wife is taking her time, enjoyign her stupid affair or whatever the reason is but its very hurtful for me cause we are technically married.

now why she still staying wiht this guy is a mystery even though my family reached out to her bring her back? and almost did wanted to come back at one point when she didnt have much money. she is gullible, she moved in with a stranger she barely knows. like i said, i have a theory, maybe she doesnt know baby father is?  the guy is a straight loser. she knows she doesnt have much options cause she only been to this country for few years. she speaks a different language, comes from a different culture, religion and she left everything for this guy. maybe she really liking him, who knows? but she is calling this guy the "kids father" in matter of 3 weeks on social media, doesnt even make any sense. i believe she is doing that to upset me but she hurting her own children.

[icesoul]

Getting passed the infidelity is going to be hard, but trust can be rebuilt if both parties cooperate and want that to happen.

I think that EM is on the right track about being wanted when we've "moved on." I look at it as once we have regained our strength, and are no longer a "doormat" for the pwBPD, we are more attractive to them. We do not actually have to "move on" to reach that point though. To reach that point, we have to start living for ourselves. We need to stop being scared of how our pwBPD might react to something that we do.

What are you doing to take care of yourself?

getting passed infedility is the worst thing i had to deal with in my life. i still have nightmares for the last 3 months.

im seeking some therapy with a pschytrist. im tryin to get better, staying around with family. but i cant lie, this is something very hard to get over. i cant even smile anymore.

i try to make some sense into this that she has an illness. my family think she has no illnes cause she look and act fine. but they dont know her that well, cause i lived with her.

i recently blocked her on social media. is that a good or bad idea? or should i not to do that? i dont want to piss her off any further.

[icesoul]

Its such a double edged sword with them... .they need you to chase them so they don't feel abandoned, they need you to chase them bc they can't admit fault... .and yet when you do you push them further away.  

I can tell you that I am terrible at this... .but really you need them to reach out to you or at least reach back if you reach out to them softly so to speak

so dont chase? it hasnt worked so far. she been very silent. so im going to try the opposite and ignore which is very hard for me. being nice, and reaching out and telling her mom, that we will respect her if she comes, i still love her and care for her. said all that but nothing worked...

but my family thinks i should cut contact with the mom as well. and see what reaction we get. its been 3 months already. she been silent, dont tell anyone what she wants. she definetly dont want divorce cause thats what she told my family.

lastly, maybe she is worried about the case. who knows if they told her she cant contact me and she taking the court word as word of god. she cant get in trouble but maybe she thinks she can. its just very hard to read her mind or whats going on with her.

its crazy how they fear abandoment but they abandon us. being abandoned is no fun, its some soul shattering stuff.

[Meili]

I wouldn't block her on social media. I would definitely not ever look at her social media though! Looking at hers has no benefit to you. You don't know what is actually going on, all that you can see is the portrait that she's painting. The reality may be completely different. Just accept that you don't and can't actually know and not torture yourself with it.

It's very common for others not to see the disorder. pwBPD can do a great job of hiding it from all but those closest to them.  In fact, from what I understand, it's usually only those with whom they are emotionally intimate that get to see the reality.

Don't chase. You should never have to convince someone that they want to be with you!

[icesoul]

I wouldn't block her on social media. I would definitely not ever look at her social media though! Looking at hers has no benefit to you. You don't know what is actually going on, all that you can see is the portrait that she's painting. The reality may be completely different. Just accept that you don't and can't actually know and not torture yourself with it.

It's very common for others not to see the disorder. pwBPD can do a great job of hiding it from all but those closest to them.  In fact, from what I understand, it's usually only those with whom they are emotionally intimate that get to see the reality.

Don't chase. You should never have to convince someone that they want to be with you!

yea, i took your advice and unblocked her. you are right, i do look at the FB page of replacement and her and do torture my self, maybe thats why im not able to get over her. its so sad, that we had a happy home with kids, she just destroyed it in a matter of few months. i think she got bored of the "norm" relationship, we were busy with kids and didnt get a chance to go on vacations or give her more time, maybe she felt neglected or unappreciated due to our disagreements, but its no justification for what she is doing now, she became very hard to please this year. like we would go out to eat some nights and things would be lovely but next day she would look like, she is in a very bad mood for no apparent reason.

im sure the reality is different. english is not even her primary language. she is going through hell with these kisd and moved in a low class neighboorhood, living a very difficult life and has to work while she is 7month pregnant. and she moved with a stranger. im not sure how she is coping with the culture shock... lust or not, she should eventually get bored of it (hopefully), or maybe she wont since the guy is putting in work to keep her. it could coping mechnanism out of lonliness cause she knows she cant move-in with me due to the charges/cases. althought my family did offer her a place to stay last time, and my own mother was willing to come over n help her during her pregnancy. she is not thinking longterm.

this girl has never disrespected me in 6 years, sure there were silent treatments in 6 year, nothing more, she never talked back. only this year, she was withdrawn, quiet, silent treatments, irratational arguments, and stay on texting. i think this guy must be working his charm through the internet for few months. i was alway home so it gota be the net. he obviously got her to think, she can just leave and start a new life with this guy with all these kids, its not that simple. you can never trust guys on the internet, they would say anything to get between your legs, especially a girl in a vulnerable emotional state. she is a grown person, i dont know why she dont see, he is just using her for sex. which guy wants to raise someone else 4 kids? its a really stupid move on her part but again do i blame her or the disease? sometimes i have guilty conccious that i should of done more in a reliationship but i didnt think her illness was that bad or it was triggered out from my jail arrests, if i known, i would of reacted to her arguments differently.

i talked to her mom today, she said my wife is not answering her questions and keep dodging the infedility but answer with my faults/flaws. she claims "i didnt love her", which is crazy, i have done so much for her. i dont konw at what time she will calm down and paint me white, she doesnt want to discus dirvorce either. just a very strange girl. her mom wanted me to talk to her face to face, thats not happening due to my no contact orders. its just a big mess, the system is meant to keep families apart. they sho0uld atleast allow limited contact through phone, internet, specially when i dont have no prior records, but the law isnt fair.

[icesoul]

she and replacement seems pretty happy so far. not fair from a perspective that i gave this woman so much and she just moved on with no remorse, i guess thats life.

with me she lasted atleast 6 yeras without major attitude, so i think he will enjoy it while it last. but so unfair to the kids, they dont even know who their real father is, she wouldnt let me see them. how can she sleep at night?

to have kids with these women is hell. she is no doublt beautiful, charming, and fun to be with. but the way ended left me dumbfounded what happened? i thought we had a great relationship, she had no solid reasons to leave it, just her paranoia that people were out to get her.

sad, she is living with some loser while being married, and having a kid in her stomach, no morals, no code or ethnics. just disguising behavior. i guess i gota accept, no point in even trying to win her back... i was thinking it cause of sake of marriage, but when somebody made their mind to discard you, why even bother?

its just painful to realize i been repalced like i never existed, 4 kids(dont know last is mine, should be)  later, this is so pathetic. never wanted to give my kids a broken home. but some people just dont get it. they put their needs above the family and children instead of trying to work at solving problems. people dont get it how they are destroying everyone.

i dont even know if i should blame her or the illness? cause she appears to be so normal many times but does dangerous things like moving in with a uknown person with all your kids.