Dating a girl with BPD

[James99]

Hello guys i have been dating this BPD girl and i've known her since 3 month. I know all her family and her family knows mine.
We're enjoying our time together ATM and she told me she is getting better since she met me and her therapist also likes me even though we haven't meet yet. Anyways, before dating her there was so many red flags that she stated which i was completely against, such as; her having many ex's, her cheating once. Considering me knowing all these things, i still have difficulties trusting her or in other words i can't trust her because i don't know what i am dealing with. This is the first time i date someone with BPD, so i was thinking to ask her to give me her phone to go through it, would this be a good idea?  
I asked her to remove few things on social media and she did but that's still not enough for me.
How can i build my trust with her?

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[Notwendy]

Hi James,

Welcome to this board. I think you are asking- how to be able to trust her? You have asked her to take down some things on social media, but it doesn't feel good enough for your trust yet- and so you wish to go through her phone?

Let's say you went through her phone today. Would that really make you feel sure? What if another week goes by- would you feel the need to look through the phone again?

What may be going on is a general sense of mistrust. You have some basis for this feeling. You are aware that there have been several exes, as well as cheating in the past. It makes sense to want reassurance that this won't happen with you. You are asking for her to do things to help you feel assured- but the problem is that they really aren't good enough - because they are not a guarantee she won't cheat. There are no guarantees or ways to control someone else's choices.

What we can do is date wisely. The first step is to know ourselves and our values. When we are dating, we get to see how another person "matches" up with these values. If we value honesty and fidelity- then we should seek out people who also value these things. We can't control someone else's choices, but we can decide what we will do if someone cheats on us and uphold that boundary.

Relationships with pwBPD tend to be fast and romantically intense. But seeking a stable relationship for the long run requires that we slow down and try to keep our heads on our shoulders. That isn't easy to do when things are passionate and emotional. I don't think it is a good idea to go through someone's phone, but I do think it is a good idea to pay attention to our feelings. If you are constantly feeling a lack of trust, it is something to pay attention to. The reason we choose to date before marriage in our culture is because dating is the period of time where people get to know each other, while they both have choices. So get to know each other- but also know yourself.

[Lockjaw]

My general sense is people who cheat do so for a reason. A person with BPD has an amazing ability to rationalize everything they do, so... .this woman, should she cheat on you, would have multiple reasons why it is ok for her to do it.

This is something I try to sniff out pretty quick in a relationship. BPD is rough enough to deal with on its own. I couldn't imagine trying to deal with it and deal with fidelity at the same time.

A woman can always find a guy to bang her. Its a sad fact of life in today's world. My GF is approached regularly, even when she was married, guys would hit on her with her hubs sitting right next to her.

There is no way, if she is inclined to cheat, that you can prevent it, short of chaining her up in your house, and watching her 24/7.

Good luck. Cheating is a deal breaker for me. There is no second chance.