BPD mother

[DPN3]

I have a sister and mother with BPD. Just bought the eggshells book and looking forward to it. My mother and I have a close relationship, but I finally got the courage to speak up and tell her she takes and takes and doesn't give back. I'm not even asking for much-- a kind word about a shared photo… sincerity when asking " how are you?"

So she had an expected response when I voiced my feelings:  "I won't bother you anymore." Not sure where to go after this exchange, but I am glad I put a stake in the ground. (hmmmm… hopefully not a subconscious vampire reference…)

[Kwamina]

Hi DPN3

Thanks for introducing yourself to our online community.

BPD is a challenging disorder and I have found that it helps to read up on it so I am glad you are doing just that

Being able to express and assert yourself is important. Considering the distorted thinking and perception and sensitivity/volatility of many people with BPD, it can help to use specific communication tools. I have selected some for you that can be very helpful when communicating with someone who has BPD:

Validation

Express your truth - S.E.T.: Support, Empathy, Truth

Assert yourself - D.E.A.R.M.A.N.: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Stay Mindful, Appear Confident and Negotiate

The general idea behind these techniques is that following structured communication patterns helps minimize the likelihood of (further) conflict, while maximizing the likelihood of getting through to our BPD family-member. The structure these patterns provide can also help us stay more calm ourselves. I encourage you to take a look at these techniques to see if they might help you in your interactions with your mother.

You also mention your sister, do you believe she has BPD too? Are there any specific behaviors of your sister that you find particularly difficult to deal with?

Welcome to  bpdfamily

[DPN3]

Thank you so much for your message Kwamina. It really means a lot. I am reading the links you sent that cover the SET response. VERY helpful and exactly the kind of direction I was looking for.

You asked about my sister. She told me she was diagnosed with BPD. It fits. I am most affected by her distorted thinking. When you're listening to someone relay thoughts that they clearly believe are true, yet you, the listener know they don't fit with reality, it is hard to know how to respond. I am naturally nurturing, so it's difficult to say to her that she is off base. Right now I just observe her and listen and don't say much, but sometimes I catch myself verbally supporting her. Then I feel terrible afterwards.

It's also difficult to be patient with her incredible self obsessive nature. Many times I feel used and trampled over.

She also does a lot of splitting. Hard to hear her talk so negatively about someone she adored only days ago.

Finally, the worst part is worrying how her illness affects her four children. I don't know if I should be talking to them to see if they need help. It brings back horrible memories of growing up with my BPD mother, who fit the queen/witch profile.

Thank you so much again for sharing your wisdom.

[Kwamina]

Hi again DPN3

When you're listening to someone relay thoughts that they clearly believe are true, yet you, the listener know they don't fit with reality, it is hard to know how to respond. I am naturally nurturing, so it's difficult to say to her that she is off base. Right now I just observe her and listen and don't say much, but sometimes I catch myself verbally supporting her. Then I feel terrible afterwards.

Dealing with behavior stemming from distorted thinking can definitely be very difficult. One of the links I gave you was about validation. Validating can be very helpful, but the general advice is to validate the valid and only the valid, not the invalid. We won't always get this right though, but that's ok too. What's most important is that we evaluate our actions and try to do better the next time.

I can understand your concerns for her kids, especially considering your own childhood with your BPD mom. We have some resources here that might help you with this. They are from another board (Co-Parenting) but can be very helpful when dealing with children of disordered parents, particularly the ones in Lesson 5: Raising Resilient Kids When a Parent Has BPD:

What to tell kids about a high-conflict co-parent

TOOLS: The Power of Validating How Kids Feel

TOOLS: Child development and parents with mental illness

POLL: From Risk to Resiliency--Protective Factors for Children

[Gratitude2]

This link says "Quick reply." Can anyone help me to know how to just reply regularly? I'm new sorry. I can see the posts but don't see a way to reply, other than this "Quick Post." Thank U!

[Gratitude2]

Dear DPN3,
    I also have a mother in the Queen/witch category (so sorry). The book Surviving a Borderline Mother was helpful for me, but also disturbing--took me awhile to digest it.