Stopping the fantasy today

[talks to angels]

Getting more brave sharing my story here. At first I was nervous that somehow I would say something that would identify me on a public forum. It funny though because all of our stories are so similar, its like there is just one man and one woman with BPD out there.

We had low contact for a year after the breakup. Than it slowly increased to non stop for a point. Back then there was this other girl that he added to his FB and I had this odd gut feeling. I dismissed it as me being insecure (he liked to always say that) He had decided to go to rehab and we were going to try to make the relationship work. He checked into rehab and went silent. I finally was able to reach him and he told me that he was just tired and that we were fine not to worry. Well 3 weeks later I find out (through the grapevine) he was in another relationship It floored me. When I spoke to him about it he was condescending and stated that he was sorry that I was having trouble moving on. His actions were so cruel and yet he is not a fault?

We did not speak for a year, it was after a year he reached out saying he wanted to apologize, now that he was sober. Well the whole conversations proved that he was never going to be mentally healthy. He was cruel in his apology and took no responsibility. because he knows that even drunk he is a high moral guy. It was this last conversation that gave me the strength to start sharing here.

I did the mistake of looking at his FB last night. (I know, someone slap me please) Yep he has someone else. Someone that I could tell he was targeting for awhile. (yep this is not the first snooping on fb I have done) Has anyone else felt like they had some sort of sixth sense with their BPD? This may sound odd, but he was always adding girls and yet I can always point out the ones he his targeting. And none of the are similar.

I woke up this morning and I realize that what I am holding onto is not him. It is my ego in part not wanting to admit that all the time and energy I put into someone was for nothing. He didnt appreciate it, he didnt even feel I was special. That is the most cruel part. With other relationships that end, you at least can have closure and hold onto what was special with that person. I keep this fantasy up in my head that somehow he is all better and some other girl is getting the benefit of this great guy.

So for my sanity I have blocked his FB, along with his family. I know he will do to her what he did to me. but starting today I am killing the fantasy. And as long as I doubt all the evidence of what he has said and did to me and think that maybe he isnt Crazy.  He is surely the devil walking on earth!

[fromheeltoheal]

I woke up this morning and I realize that what I am holding onto is not him. It is my ego in part not wanting to admit that all the time and energy I put into someone was for nothing. He didnt appreciate it, he didnt even feel I was special. That is the most cruel part. With other relationships that end, you at least can have closure and hold onto what was special with that person. I keep this fantasy up in my head that somehow he is all better and some other girl is getting the benefit of this great guy.

So for my sanity I have blocked his FB, along with his family. I know he will do to her what he did to me. but starting today I am killing the fantasy. And as long as I doubt all the evidence of what he has said and did to me and think that maybe he isnt Crazy.  He is surely the devil walking on earth!

Great realizations talks!  It's common to want to hold onto something, your ego as you put it, and is that also a little bit of holding onto hope?  And it might not have been for nothing, many of us have realized that once we've detached, the growth we've done as a result of these relationships and their demise has been profound, the gift of the relationship really, and certainly not nothing.

It's also common to indulge in the fantasy that he's all better now and the new relationship is heaven on earth, which is possible but not likely, and it's advantageous to dig and see where that comes from, usually from questioning ourselves and self-doubt, common when we've been in the chaos of a relationship with someone with a personality disorder.

Seems you're right where you need to be, and have you checked out the stages of detachment over there ----------->
lately?  Where do you think you are? 

Take care of you!

[talks to angels]

I was at 5 til a couple months ago. Now Im back at 1-2. Its horrible. Think that is why I am so upset too. I even expressed it to one of his family members. I just cant keep hearing from him. He needs to stop. Yes I am at fault for engaging, but seriously, if he ever cared he would stop needlessly contacting me under the guise I need to forgive him.

[fromheeltoheal]

I was at 5 til a couple months ago. Now Im back at 1-2. Its horrible. Think that is why I am so upset too. I even expressed it to one of his family members. I just cant keep hearing from him. He needs to stop. Yes I am at fault for engaging, but seriously, if he ever cared he would stop needlessly contacting me under the guise I need to forgive him.

Consider that he does care, but about an attachment with you; borderlines hate to lose an attachment, it's the worst thing that can happen, so regardless of the circumstances of the relationship or the breakup, if he's having a bad day, having emotions he can't soothe, he finds it appropriate to turn to you to see if an attachment is still in place, and if it is, he will feel better.  And as you mention, it's your choice whether you engage or not, and if you focus on not giving him any reason to believe an emotional attachment is still in place, meaning no initiating contact and acting bored, disinterested, busy gotta go when he contacts you, eventually he will stop.  Also, as you learn about the disorder his behaviors will likely become more transparent, and faze you less, until eventually they won't matter at all.

[talks to angels]

yes they do. I see right through him now. that is what caused the latest silent treatment. I was standing my ground. and he was getting mad, yet he wasnt alone so it was coming off as condescending. so on his side he sounded good. if no one was with him im sure he would have raged on me. I personally feel though as long as people give him a pass on how he treats people, he will never get the help he needs.

[Confused#9999]

Hey talks to angels, they never get help because they don't want to. Mine told me she didn't need help, while fully knowing and acknowledging its been relationship after relationship with her.
It's infuriating seeing someone admit to having an issue but not want help for it.

[fromheeltoheal]

I personally feel though as long as people give him a pass on how he treats people, he will never get the help he needs.

Yes, you can liken it to alcoholism in that way, where things need to get painful enough for someone to seek help.  There are barriers in the way with a personality disorder though, BPD exists to deny itself, a set of psychological tools including projection, compartmentalization, splitting, all the rest, developed to not feel the intense emotions inherent in the disorder.  So to voluntarily face those and admit some responsibility is to behave exactly opposite to what a borderline has been doing their entire life to make it through the day, possible yes, but it requires a level of self awareness that is new and very scary, same for all of us when we address growth and getting outside our comfort zone, just more intense for borderlines.  Good for you for standing your ground talks.