How do you deal with smear - new relationship?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

For those who have exBPDs who went into a new relationship.
How do you deal with them leaving abruptly while smearing.
Then using the smeared you in order to blossom the new relationship?

Kinda irks me that they are going to be love bombing using a smear campaign as source.
Imagining the new guy being the 'savior' when I didn't even do anything wrong.
Then the fact that a BPD can even believe their own smear campaign... .

This is what is specifically bothering me today, and makes me feel sick.

[ShadowA]

For those who have exBPDs who went into a new relationship.
How do you deal with them leaving abruptly while smearing.
Then using the smeared you in order to blossom the new relationship?

Kinda irks me that they are going to be love bombing using a smear campaign as source.
Imagining the new guy being the 'savior' when I didn't even do anything wrong.
Then the fact that a BPD can even believe their own smear campaign... .

This is what is specifically bothering me today, and makes me feel sick.

[Aussieguy77]

I'm experiencing the same kind of situation.

My exBPDw (separated) had me arrested and charged with domestic violence after she told me she was sleeping with a friend, that it was my fault and that she wasn't going to stop because she loved him.
In my pain and grief I hit her with a pillow. She'd been out drinking for hours on Pristiq (SNRI for her anxiety) and the argument was so nasty and vitriolic from her.

She's convinced mutual friends that I was a systematic violent abuser and the much older friend she was having the affair with was "just part of her support network."

I'm slowly getting to detachment but I know the pain you feel of loving someone who has split you black and wants nothing more than to tell the world what a horrible human being you are but cannot ever see their own role in any of it.

[talks to angels]

I feel for you. Mine too is still doing the same. Think we have to heal that place inside ourselves. With mine I realize I can NEVER speak with him again. It reopens the wound and yes mine too has done it twice with me. It is like he will reach out and gets some kind of sick validation by creating some circle argument or testing to see if the rewriting of history he is saying is plausible. I know for a fact one time he had the girl sitting with him while he was discussing with me what happened between us (i didnt realize at the time) but the tone was like he was trying to make me crazy. Both of those conversations ended with him saying that he tried and to make it right and talk about what happened but I just  am too unreasonable with all the stories in my head.
Its almost like they suck energy from us turn to their new target, and show them just how compassionate they are and how we are just sick.
Ugh. I so know the pain. Its hard I have been just telling myself it doesnt matter what others think of me, I know the truth of what happened, and anyone who gets too close to that fire will get burned just as I did. I truly believe the ones that dont get hurt are the ones that are just superficial.
Remember, the words she says about you are not who you are. The people who want to believe the lies are naive to who she really is. Its not really their fault when you think about it. You too at one point believed the picture she painted of herself.

[jhkbuzz]

You're describing the Karpman drama triangle; if you've never heard of it: https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

There are three positions on the triangle; that of victim, that of persecutor, and that of rescuer. Many BPD r/s's often begin with the pwBPD claiming the victim role and their love interest (that's us!) claiming the "rescuer" role. A variety of characters play the persecutor; in my case it was my ex's baby daddy; an ex abusive female partner, and a rapist in college (not sure I believe that one). She's always the victim; she's always in need of rescue, there's always a willing rescuer (I was, were you?) and there's always someone else to blame (persecutor).

Eventually, everyone's position on the triangle 'shifts'. In her mind (over time), I became the persecutor and she remained the victim - and she began looking for other rescuers (her affair partners). In reality, she was the persecutor (lying, cheating; her own therapist actually told her she was mean  ) and I slipped into the victim role.

All of this is dysfunctional; both their need to play the victim and cast off blame onto a persecutor - and our need to play rescuer. That's what we all have to examine in the chaos and pain of the aftermath of these relationships - what drew us towards this "role" and what we were willing to tolerate to remain there.

Part of what make BPD a mental illness are these dysfunctional patterns in intimate r/s's. I know it hurts like hell, but it's not personal.  

[Pretty Woman]

It's one of the hardest things you have to endure. My advice: ignore it.

I know I fell for the same thing when I started dating my now ex. She told me her ex was a rapist whom she had a restraining order on, had to change her numbers. Four months into the relationship she was calling her "rapist" for electrical help---and to test the waters to see if she could get her back.

They lie and will tell horrific stories about you and you have to rise above it or you will ruminate and obsess.

Another person posted about their situation on here today. Look at the boards it's also about "smear campaigns" and it may provide some insight.

What you have to remember is your relationship was never as your ex remembers it. She is disordered. To her you were an attachment, a security blanket, a binky until she replaced you with a new attachment.

Attachment does not equate love. You were in love. She is not capable of that.

I don't want you thinking you are not important, you are very important, but she is disordered and incapable of an adult relationship and loving you in a healthy nurturing way, she doesn't even love herself.

It's really hard until you are removed from it for awhile. How long have you been broken up?

My ex has been with my replacement 2yrs. Immediately after meeting her she went cold and smeared me as a rapist... .exactly as her ex whom I found out later is a renowned prison psychiatrist and not a sexual predator.

They are liars, cheats and devious. They know right from wrong yet continue to manipulate and hurt others leaving a trail of broken and bleeding people in their wake.

The best thing you can do is ignore, ignore, ignore.  :)o not acknowledge the rumors about you. Do not defend. You do not need to defend yourself as you did nothing wrong. Act like everything is good... .because it is.  

I have learned by responding to the accusations all they do is twist your words to make you look worse.  If you say nothing and don't react they will go away. They may amp things up for a bit to try to get your goat but if you disregard it they will eventually find a new target.

You need to get Tina place within yourself that it doesn't matter what anyone says about you. You know better and trust me, enough people exposed to her long enough will eventually see through it and or be an eventual target.

Rise above. All it is is white noise and you are better than it.

 

[IAmIAmIAm]

My ex started to smear me right after we broke up, telling all of our mutual friends I was an abuser (which thanks to some help from a therapist I now recognize isn't true). Everyone still believes her a year later. When she met my replacement we'd been broken up a couple of weeks and were still living together to try to ride out the lease as friends. In fact, I still thought we were friends--we still hung out and watched movies, or ate dinner together--until her new girlfriend offered her a new place to live after 3 weeks of dating. Then she immediately lashed out at me, told me I was horrible, and stopped talking to me abruptly, even when I asked about rent. The replacement who I previously got along fine with froze me out and started talking about me too. She escalated and started posting awful things about me online. Every month or so she posts something new. I'm not sure how to deal with it. I've considered a lawyer several times, but I don't have proof that she's lying or money for a long lawsuit, and I'm scared it will just make everything worse. All this to say: if you figure it out, let me know.

[Pretty Woman]

In the greater scheme of things does it truly matter what the replacement thinks of you? How does that affect YOU personally?

I thought my ex's ex was an insane rapist with a lot of power (she was a prison PSYCHOLOGIST). Clearly, I have a VERY different opinion now. I tried to "protect" her from this person who later I realized she was secretly talking to behind my back, while telling me this person was "crazy" and having a hard time letting go... .when I caught her on the phone with them.

If someone is gullible enough to still believe them AFTER the breakup then they have bigger problems to deal with. These people are shady liars.

No one wants to be talked bad about. Many of us have low self esteem to begin with (why we stayed in abusive relationships). I think this may be where we struggle the most in the post-BPD aftermath.

There will always be people who side with your ex. She has enablers and proxies. She also has people who genuinely love her (family) who will always choose her over you... .no matter what she did. Just like your most loyal friends and family will stick by you, as they should.  

Don't let some stupid smearing discredit your value and worth. Rise above it.  I will tell you this... .

I have a BPD ex friend I work with. Our friendship ended last Dec and she went on a smear campaign... .in my office. We are in different depts. and roles yet sit five desks from each other. I am 41 and she is 56. I am extremely professional and still climbing the ladder.
She is not.

She spread a rumor I was defacing her cubicle and left "cat pee" on her desk. She spread this to people in MY department. People she does not even work with. She also outted me to people who had no idea I was in a gay relationship.

There WERE and ARE people who believe this stuff. I have people at work who don't like me and those people (the haters) like to stick together to push me down.

Thing is they can't.

I have never acknowledged these rumors. I think I said once, "That's disappointing a life long friend would stoop to this".  It kills me inside because this was one of my BEST FRIENDS who ultimately betrayed me and told my inner most secrets (I am not out at work). To make matters worse, my BPD ex's sister works here and they have both been on a mission to ruin me.

I walk tall, ignore and go on with life. Eventually it dies down. When you REACT it fuels them. They want to get under your skin. Also, If you react badly that reinforces all the other lies they've told like "She's a total stalker", "See, see her temper"---a temper they have fueled by goading you.

You have every right to be pissed off. Unfortunately, it feeds into their "crazy making" stories.

When you don't react they eventually go away. They look like morons to others. They might amp it up for a bit but trust me, eventually they will leave you alone.

Another thing to keep in mind... .people who confront you about their stories are often troublemakers. Nosy people with nothing better to do than "stir up drama" hence why they are likely still in your ex's friend rotation.

People like that don't matter. They aren't worth your time.

One of my best friends was confronted with some very awful smearing by my ex a few years ago. She waited a year to tell me. Obviously that is a friend. She didn't treat me badly, she saw the game that was being played and didn't burden me with it while she saw me struggling immediately after the break up.

Those are the people that matter, not the gossiping people.

Ignore, Ignore, Ignore.

PW