Do you know when your BPD ex is done with you for good?

[FallenOne]

Mine never broke up with me for over two years, and then she did once over a misunderstanding where she wouldn't talk to me for about a month... Then she came back.

We had a fairly stable period for over another year while we lived together and then I broke it off with her in March of 2016. That lasted three months before I went back...

Since July, she has left 3 times... This past time she left, which was on December 19th, was the coldest and most surprising split yet. She pulled a complete 180 on me (over something really trivial) and started talking to her female lover again who she was with during our breakups... .She has broken up with this girl multiple times to come back to me...

Anyway, this time was a little different in that she blocked me on all fronts immediately following her breakup with me on the 19th... When I tried to reach her, she actually had the nerve to file a PFA against me (which I am fighting now).

Since she's stooped that low to pull a complete 180 on me (over almost nothing), block me on all fronts on her end, and file a PFA, is it safe to say she's done recycling me and trying to contact me? Am I out of the loop of cycles?

Also, this female lover of hers doesn't seem like a reliable source (as they have broken up before just recently) but it's also her only source that I know of and the only person besides me that she had to turn to... .Unless I'm unaware of someone else.

[Pretty Woman]

Take that Restraining Order seriously, friend. Once they do that it seriously is "Game Over". You are a threat in their disordered mind and as sexist as this sounds, the courts still tend to favor the whole "damsel in distress" thing and this could really hurt you, career wise and financially.

You have to stop putting all the focus on her and what SHE is going to do. SHE is not predictable. You need to start focusing on what YOU want. Do you want her back? It shouldn't matter what she is doing anymore. She made it loud and clear by filing on you.

My ex threatened that but never followed thru, and I didn't give her any additional ammo. There is nothing you can do at this point but work on yourself. For many years I obsessed over my ex, what she was doing, why was this relationship working when ours tanked? I wasted a lot of precious time and energy thinking about this person who could really care less.

That is the best advice I can give you. You need to worry less about her. She clearly has problems. You will never be able to solve her issues.

 

[FallenOne]

Take that Restraining Order seriously, friend. Once they do that it seriously is "Game Over". You are a threat in their disordered mind and as sexist as this sounds, the courts still tend to favor the whole "damsel in distress" thing and this could really hurt you, career wise and financially.

You have to stop putting all the focus on her and what SHE is going to do. SHE is not predictable. You need to start focusing on what YOU want. Do you want her back? It shouldn't matter what she is doing anymore. She made it loud and clear by filing on you.

My ex threatened that but never followed thru, and I didn't give her any additional ammo. There is nothing you can do at this point but work on yourself. For many years I obsessed over my ex, what she was doing, why was this relationship working when ours tanked? I wasted a lot of precious time and energy thinking about this person who could really care less.

That is the best advice I can give you. You need to worry less about her. She clearly has problems. You will never be able to solve her issues.

 

No, I don't want her back... I can't trust her anymore after doing something like this... I just don't understand why she did it? None of this was provoked at all. I didn't do anything... One day we're cuddling in bed, then all of a sudden, she's taking all of her stuff out of my place and saying good riddance and filing PFA's... What the hell? It's SOO confusing and hurtful...

[Stripey77]

If I may interject here, and of course taking into account that people with BPD do not all act 'as one' and there is no 'one size fits all' answer... .please do not assume that a restraining order means the end of the end. I recounted this story numerous times on these boards a few months ago, but just to give you some insight, MY ex told me, in no uncertain terms that I was 'cancelled', 'deleted' from his life, that I didn't exist anymore. He spent almost 7 months walking past me in our tiny town, even at close quarters, as if he had never met me. The man who had spent hours gazing into my eyes and talking about when I had his baby. This was also over something that could very easily have been sorted out, which in turn had followed me being dumped from a great height. Just like you. On the way out on a day trip, he was holding my hand, singing to me, drawing love hearts in the air. Over the tiniest of 'transgressions' just 4 hours later, he drove me home in total silence, to break up with me via text 3 days later.

After getting back together with me and then leaving me again after letting me down, and subjecting me to three horrific weeks of silent limbo, came the MOTHER of all silent treatments and one sided fall outs, in which I was blocked on almost every avenue, and became a ghost in his eyes.  When he finally broke the silence 6 months later, it was to tell me that I was deleted and drew a cross in front of my face to show me that I'd been 'crossed out'.

That was last May. I spent 3 nights with him that week.

I most recently spent most of Christmas day with him, after he spent hours talking to me on a night out and telling me how much he was enjoying my company. There have obviously been other interludes in between, won't bore you with it all, but the absences have become the norm.

The point is, I was dying with depression this time last year and for some months to follow, and thought the love of my life would never speak to me again. I was told effectively I was a persona non grata. The actions have not, ultimately, backed up the words. I realise that you don't want to hear from your ex, but it has been my experience that the more extreme the attempts to cut out and cancel us, the heavier the feelings are involved. I'm only telling you this because I have seemingly come back from the dead and we are now at a point when he talks to me if he sees me around... .sometimes at length. He nearly always wants more.


I wouldn't bank on it at all that a restraining order means the end. I really wouldn't.

And anyway, how long is a piece of string? I've asked this question on here before, but there are people on here who heard from their exes after YEARS. After the year I've had, nothing surprises me about any of this anymore... .if I were you, I would gird my loins and prepare for all eventualities.  

[rzr14]

Whatever is going through her mind right now, I would take it serious what she doing. But to tell you a story, this might not mean the end.

My ex and me had a 4 year period that we had low contact. During that time she had a son with her now bf again. She told me she kick him out multiple times for cheating and stuff. And had a PFA against him at one point for hitting her. Well long story short it never lasted, they would always get back together. Well the sad thing is I found out from my friend (what was her best friend) that she planned the whole event of her getting hit by him. Got him mad enough to get him to do it, then got him off the apartment lease and pity him into getting her a car in the future she didn't have to pay for. So in the end she looked the victim, got everything she wanted, plus all the validation from her flying monkeys. Everything they do is planned out in my opinion, she may want it to be the end of your relationship with her or it's a test to see what you will do.

Best advice, protect yourself stay nc don't let yourself get pulled into anything that will destroy you.


Just to add one thing, her bf has npd I had run ins with him on a few occasion he doesn't like me and I don't like him. He thinks he one the fight for her! LMAO I told him he can have her, and told him what was going on he doesn't listen. She told me before I went nc this past time. She hasn't given him a key to the apartment (he's been living there for 3 months now again) and sometimes she there but makes him climb in through a window in the morning when he get's back from work. She had a smile on her face when she told me, then the next words out of her month is "Maybe it's time to get another key".

[talks to angels]

From my experience. Never. They will ping back and than go silent (even if it is just as a friend). The only way to end it is for you to block all contact. In my experience it not worth the heart ache. It puts you back to square one any time you interact. If you are certain she has a disorder than just be proactive and block any way she can contact you. Its hard I know, but the way they throw you away and go silent gets worse each time. Stay strong. It hurts but letting someone treat you like a toy feels worse.

[Me-Time]

I'm going through this right now. She moved out last week and I'm already starting to see the pattern. When you least expect... .expect it. Whenever it gets quiet, I know something big is coming. The texts start flying with her trying to come back, and while I can't go NC right now, I have to start becoming boring. It's just so hard, and I keep thinking I can reason with her. I keep trying to make her see how the relationship didn't work, we are both hurting, I know how difficult it is, we are both grieving, let's both be respectful... .She goes from kind and apologetic to pleading and begging to "You do the opposite of what I need! You are heartless! I really won't ever contact you again!" It's driving me crazy. It doesn't allow me to grieve or process because she's always igniting these situations. Still no boundaries or empathy for how the other person might be coping. Logically, I know this is BPD through and through and I shouldn't expect anything different. Emotionally, it's hell. They are selfish right down to the never-ending end!

[Confused108]

No, I don't want her back... I can't trust her anymore after doing something like this... I just don't understand why she did it? None of this was provoked at all. I didn't do anything... One day we're cuddling in bed, then all of a sudden, she's taking all of her stuff out of my place and saying good riddance and filing PFA's... What the hell? It's SOO confusing and hurtful...

Matt my ex did the same exact thing. It was a misunderstanding actually over something very dumb like a tattoo. I apologized because it was me that started it and right away my ex wanted time and space. Then that same night she texted me and was saying  I was obsessed with her and was it really love or an obsession I had with her. She blew it so out of proportion. So I said to her oh yes when you come back it will be to break up. She swore up and down it wasn't. Well 2 days later I get an email saying how hard she found it was to talk to me. All lies btw. So yea I had the same break up nonsense too over nothing.

[statsattack]

If you go to court your stratergy needs to be to demolish her credibility

[taty1124]

I think one of the worst things about a relationship with a BPD is being left holding the What the heck bag. I was told yesterday by my gf (BPD) that no matter what she says to me when she is mad, that I am not to take her seriously and we will be together for the rest of our lives and that she loves me etc. Today, I received a formal written eviction notice from her and I have thirty days to leave the premises, pack up five years worth of things, two thriving businesses and not to say my kids and dogs.
So just take the restraining order serious and attempt to pick yourself up and move on ( easier said than done).

[FSTL]

I have a mildly BPD ex and we broke up quite regularly. I love the comment about holding the "What the heck bag" - it really describes things quite beautifully.

Mine blocked me after our latest and I hoped final breakup back in early December (I chewed her out for cheating, she got angry and blocked me to stop me from messaging her). I lost my phone on the first day of holidays on Dec 17 and was actually feeling a lot better by the time I had replaced the phone on December 26. Sure enough, she contacted me to wish me a Merry Christmas within an hour of turning the new phone on. I said thanks, and left it at that. She then messaged me again on New Year's Eve and again on New Year's Day after she broke her arm (and no doubt wanted me to help her). She kept up the pity party until I finally offered to help her when I could (I was travelling). Then she started dropping the manipulation tactics and finally told me she had a new BF... .a guy she cheated on with me which lead to the breakup in December.

I was then holding the proverbial What the heck bag... .like What the heck aren't you asking the new guy to help you and What the heck did you even bother contacting me again?

I politely asked her why she contacted me at Christmas and she replied "because I wanted you to know I was thinking of you" and "I don't know tbh, it was what I was feeling at the time".

At that point (and this is getting back to original question), it became clear (if it wasn't before) that this particular borderline just does what she happens to feel at a particular moment, she can't feel empathy (for me or her new bf who would be upset by her messaging me) and all she is really after is the feelings she gets from relationships, not the person.

I sent her a polite note wishing her well, hoping she keeps up her cbt therapy to deal with her feelings and letting her know I don't think it's right that we keep in contact.

I then blocked her. Because the only reason Borderlines keep coming back is because "we let them" as a wise person has said before on these boards. We don't control whether they come back, but we control whether we let them.

Take control and don't let them... .

[Me-Time]

Awesome post, FSTL. I forgot to mention, too, that mine moved out last week *and immediately in with an ex*. With all her contacting me and begging and pleading (which is really sad and hurts and at the same time is absolutely boundary-less), I wondered - how would the person she's with now feel to know she was texting me all of this? Doesn't she think of that? Does she have a moral conscience? If she can do that, what makes me think for a second (and I didn't) that this is the kind of person who would be able to carry on a good relationship? Everything is in the moment. And that changes on a dime, depending on her mood. Not something I want to live my life experiencing. I won't let her back in.

[Rayban]

A strong indicator would be any mention of another person or ex that they are seeing as "friends" especially after a bad argument or boundry enforcement meant for me that the end was near.

[FallenOne]

My question is this... .

If her pulling a 180 like this, dumping me, and getting a restraining order is some kind of test, then what does the typical BPD expect my reaction to be from this?

Obviously, the most normal reaction from a normal person is to go to court and fight it (which is what I'm doing), but knowing how BPD's operate, what does SHE expect me to do? What would be a correct response to this "test"?

Obviously, I'm going to fight it and I have her blocked on all fronts... I don't want to see her again... But I'm curious what is going on in her mind and what she expects my reaction to be?

[once removed]

then what does the typical BPD expect my reaction to be from this?

why are you fighting the restraining order?

[Curiously1]

   Matt. S

I wouldn't see this as a test. Yes pwBPD can change their minds later but this doesn't apply to you right now. I think the correct response is for you to take this choice of hers seriously. If she really wants a RO that doesnt really indicate that she wants you right now, you know?
What she expects might change depending on how she feels nothing is ever for certain.
Why are you focusing on needing to know what her reaction will be? In order to pass a test? This is not a game. We can guess all we want. Ultimately, she's the only one that holds the answer to your question as to what she wants to do with you. What she did was horrible no matter which way you look at it.
My honest opinion is that her actions are not in favour of you right now... Think about it.

[FallenOne]

why are you fighting the restraining order?

Because the police confiscated over a thousand dollars worth of my weapons including a Samurai sword that I paid quite a bit of money for... If it gets passed they are keeping my weapons for the duration of the order... I want my weapons back.

Also, I don't want it going on my record.

If it wasn't for these two reasons, I would let her have the order and wouldn't care, as I have no intention on contacting her.

[talks to angels]

I dont think its a test. It seems to be common for them to call the police. Mine invited me over one night, when I showed up he threatened to call the police. Seriously no reason other than he forgot he invited me and him and his friend were getting drunk and I think they were going to do drugs (he knows I will not tolerate that) It was insane. In some ways I think they do this for their image. Its almost like they have to be the one that looks good to everyone. If there is nothing wretched that they can show friends and family that you did to them, and if people like you and say how nice you are. It seems like they will reach for the extremes at times to show everyone just how horrible you are, and they can get lots of pity too.

[statsattack]

matt s im fighting a no contact order. At first I said no objection because with no one holding her accountable including herself I thought what is the purpose of fighting this. Than I realized if I don't fight it than who will be a victim of this and get severely punished for something they didn't do?

I will help you out as much as I can because we are fighting the same fight. Best advice I can give and need my lawyer to understand it is you treat these cases like the OJ Simpson case. No court would say a female is at fault and no one would ever say OJ didn't commit the murders. However it is up to you to figure out who and find the boogeyman.

Every trial is about stories of betrayal. With that being said what are you doing to make sure that you and her were betrayed by the same person?

[thefinalrose]

I don't think it's a "test"; I believe you're just devalued right now. Worthless to her. You don't serve a purpose currently or the relationship is giving her bad feelings about things she may have done to you, so she has to make like it's all your fault. You're the "enemy" now, see? That is, until she might want you back, if she wants you back, which is anyone's guess.

Mine discarded me 15 months ago. Refuses to speak to me. Tells me it's over. Yet he's not blocked me on social media and as far as I know he hasn't blocked my number. Furthermore, his relationship status was "single" for a while but now it says "no relationship status to show", which tells me he's seeing someone else (which I can confirm from pictures shared by mutual friends), and also that he still probably values me in some way. If he didn't care, it would just say "in a relationship". Unless he's just hidden his relationship status from everyone, but if that were so, why bother changing your relationship status at all, no?

I honestly believe he may be done with me for good. Possibly. Because it's been so long, way longer than ever before (I'm not sure if I've actually been discarded before this, although he's certainly devalued me many times) and the time I tried to reach out to him about six months ago he was his same cold, dismissive self. It'll be interesting to see if and when he breaks up with his current girlfriend he'll come scampering back to me like nothing ever happened, like he's done so much in the past.

[apollotech]

I wouldn't count on her ever being "done" with you. It is usually the Non who gets done with the craziness, and terminates the relationship, regardless of who leaves. As long as the chaos is tolerated, many times, they'll stay in the relationship or just go in and out of the relationship. I think you've seen that firsthand.

[lovenature]

One day we're cuddling in bed, then all of a sudden, she's taking all of her stuff out of my place and saying good riddance and filing PFA's... What the hell? It's SOO confusing and hurtful... sad

Saddest part of the disorder is the closer you get, the more you are pushed away; the harder you try to make it work, the more you love them-the more they believe you are going to hurt them and abandon them.
Their psychological defences all boil down to them making up their own reality to fit their current emotion of the moment, and they are capable of cognitively distorting reality to the point of seeing things that never happened.

[ShadowA]

Saddest part of the disorder is the closer you get, the more you are pushed away; the harder you try to make it work, the more you love them-the more they believe you are going to hurt them and abandon them.
Their psychological defences all boil down to them making up their own reality to fit their current emotion of the moment, and they are capable of cognitively distorting reality to the point of seeing things that never happened.

Too true.

[talks to angels]

Simplest answer, they will be done, when you decided to be done. NC only way with them. You have to make that choice, as long as you give them that power, you will forever be their puppet.

[Confused108]

Saddest part of the disorder is the closer you get, the more you are pushed away; the harder you try to make it work, the more you love them-the more they believe you are going to hurt them and abandon them.
Their psychological defences all boil down to them making up their own reality to fit their current emotion of the moment, and they are capable of cognitively distorting reality to the point of seeing things that never happened.

Truth! Well Put!

[Confused108]

Simplest answer, they will be done, when you decided to be done. NC only way with them. You have to make that choice, as long as you give them that power, you will forever be their puppet.
[/quote

100% Agreed! Totally what these people do.

[Bumpsintheroad]

Matt, I am a big fan of history.  And, although there have been a few occasions where I wished I could foresee the future, I eventually return to history... .since it is the ONLY way to predict future events. 
The last time I saw my exBPDw was nearly 4 years ago.  As we walked out of divorce court, I handed her a wrapped gift, gave her a final hug and calmly told her I would never see or speak to her again.  I turned around, and walked away.  To this day, I haven't spoken to or even seen her in passing.  If I do, on my part, it will clearly be by accident. 
In her best moments she was a warm, caring, beautiful, charming and bright individual.  But when those brief moments faded she was a sociopathic compulsive liar, and multiple cheater.  Thief, con artist, manipulator, hypochondriac, and all around childish pain in the @ss.  She either lost or has no soul.  I pity her.  And in fact, I do not miss her in the least. 

So to answer your question Matt... ."how do you know when your exBPD is done with you for good?"

The answer is... .WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH HER!  FOR GOOD!

I suggest you follow a simple (but not easy) set of rules.
1. No Contact. Period.
2. Block all calls and texts.
3. Completely remove your Facebook account.  It may sound drastic, but you are in a drastic situation.
4. Abstain from any and all social media.  Your true friends will understand. 
5. Do not contact ANY of HER friends or FAMILY
6. File a restraining order if you have evidence of her stalking you.
7. If you screw up and break a rule, forgive yourself and recommit.
8.  DOCUMENT EVERYTHING.

History shows this works.  My exBPDw sent me an email 6 months after I walked away from her at the courthouse.  She told me what a wonderful husband and gentleman I was.  A great provider, exceptional father.  Honest and dependable.  Yadda, yadda!  Then she told me she was diagnosed with an incurable, debilitating, life-threatening disease as well as severe adult ADHD.  Did she apologize for any of the hundreds of lies?  No. Or the dozen affairs?  No.  Or for stealing $50,000+ of my personal savings?  NO.  She then promised to pay the expenses that the Judge had ordered her to do.  Did I respond? No.  Has she paid the court ordered expenses? No.
She lives in a half million dollar home, drives a very nice car and from waht friends have told me, she looks fine, physically. 
Do I care? No.  Because history has proven to me that whenever I care, she tries to hook me again.  And I'm done.
Try it, you'll see for yourself.