BPD sex like heroin, unmatched bliss that's really bad for you

[Movin-on]

My first post... .but 1st I'd like to thank this site and all the folks who participate in writing about their experiences.  Can't express how helpful you've all been.  I'm not alone.

I ended a 5 year relationship over a year ago with my ex, who I'll just say certainly has BPD traits.  Fortunately, during the relationship I was often in such distress that I began journaling every day using Evernote.  I had known my ex as friend/colleague prior to relatuonship.  She reached out to me right after learning from another friend of our that I was getting divorced.  I'm 44, no kids, she was divorced with 3 kids.  I was head over heals.  Her kids really liked me, and me them.  Her ex lived around the corner but their co parenting relationship was toxic.  I blamed it all on him, and really didn't give it too much thought for most of our relationship.  Then one day I peaked on her email, and saw just how toxic the relationship was, flurries of emails accusing on another of horrible parenting, etc.  when I approached her about this, she was angry of course, and made me feel bad bout myself for being sneaky, and thought my concerns were not valid--she can handle her narcissistic ex, and I shouldn't make their issue my issue.  Unfortunately, her 3 kids suffered horribly bc of the toxic coparenting. 

So much more to say, but it wasn't until after a year out of the relationship, ready thru my journals, that the light bulb went off.  At first I thought she might have female aspergers, which represents very differently in women.  I guess I was hoping so much of her behavior was innocent and not willful in the way perplexing behaviors with aspies can be.  I see now the manipulation behind so much of her behavior.  I was so gullible, blind to it all.  I've become obsessed with reading all about BPD.  Now that I'm in a new non BPD relationship, I see the light further. 

Yes, the sexual connection with BPD ex was great.  Very basic, nothing more than missionary, but the connection was intense.  Prior to realizing she has BPD traits, I figured that's how sex is supposed to be, and I was comparing.  Bad idea.  Fact, the intensity of the sex with a BPD may never be replicated.  But neither is the high from injecting heroin.  Both are really bad for you. 

[FallenOne]

I can relate to what you're saying about the sex...

I'm 32 and my BPD ex is 24 now... She was 20 when we started dating... We never really did anything too crazy or kinky, most of it was stuff you could get any girl to do, and physically she wasn't even in that great of shape, but there was just something about it that I had never felt before and I have a feeling I may never feel again... I can't explain it... There was some kind of connection there that made it highly addictive.

[Movin-on]

Hi Matt, thx for reading & commenting.  The sex is the last part of my relationship that I'm trying to get over & reconcile.  I read about the crazy sex of borderlines, mine was anything but crazy.  Conventional, and interestingly enough she made almost no noise or movements.  The "hook" is that we'd look directly into one another's eyes when I'd reach orgasm.  She was slim, but at 50+ didn't work out, looked good in clothes but not very good in a bathing suit.  Still, I was completely into her physically.  While I didn't lust after her when apart, all she had to do was be open to having sex when we were together and my intense physical attraction took over.  We could lay around cuddling in bed for days, didn't even want to eat

It kinda makes me suspicious of any intense physical attraction - if it's there, I'd be worried she was another pwBPD.   I'd rather see it unfold naturally. 

Here's one interesting difference with my new nonBPD girlfriend.  She actually wants to pleasure me with her touch, that brings her pleasure.  MypwBPDex very rarely touched me or initiated pleasure on me.  I just figured she was shy & uncomfortable outwordly expressing sex, and that I was the "one" to bring that out in her.  She said she wanted me to teach her about opening up and having sex, and I'm no Cassanova.  So it wasn't what we did in the bedroom, it was just this intense personal connection.  I suppose it was her mirroring exactly what I wanted. 

[Germanic]

The sex for me with my BPD initially was incredible.  He even kissed the defects on my body with which I was greatly self conscious of.  I quickly had surgery to deal with those issues which I had dealt with for years to make me feel better about myself of which he made no comment. (No comment was necessary; just curious that he made no acknowledgment of my effort.)

It wasn't long after that I learned sex would be tedious.  I was informed by him that he'd have to work himself up to having the desire for sex and when it did come, drugs became a part of his ritual.  I soon discovered I was more desirous sexually of the person on drugs than the actual man.  That appeared as a red flag to me.

Even though I knew from the beginning that I was not his type, he continued to try to make me feel he could love me fully even if he had to work up to it.  Then it was suggested that we enter others into our relationship.  I figured that would be where this could end up.  It tried to accept that idea but the verbal and mental abuse kicked into where it complicated everything else including sex.  When we did have sex later, it was intense but it began to feel mechanical to me.  When he broached the subject of aggressive and physically violent sex, I began to be concerned.   

I guess for me I was feeling a detachment already in our intimacy as that is what occurred in my previous relationship but on my part.  He knew that detail in my prior relationship and it now makes me wonder if he wasn't trying to get me to that point in our relationship in order to justify his need to seek sexual pleasure with someone else even though he liked all the other benefits of being in a relationship with me.

A good friend told me, "Sex doesn't make a relationship but it sure can break one."  That is so true!  Sex is great and important but for me, it is not the most important aspect of a relationship.