Staying the course - life with a pwBPD

[earlgrey]

Hi all, I am thinking of halting the divorce proceedings and rebuilding with my W. (do not know how W. will react, I initiated the proceeding, and I am changing my mind).

Why? Because of fairly pragmatic considerations. D7 is a big one, and I am 60 in a few months. The reality of building something new seems beyond me, not impossible for sure, just a big task.

I am trying to be very realistic. I wanted out of the r/s because of the abuse and the chaos, and here I am considering going back in.

I will have to learn to calm situations not antagonise, and be a caretaker.

If anyone has attempted/is attempting the caretaker role willingly, I would be happy to learn of you experiences.

My concern is starting with enthusiasm and energy, but slowly losing it to the chaos.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi earlgrey,

Welcome and hello 

What is your wife like? What are some of the behaviors that are most challenging?

Does she know she is BPD?

Are you currently living together? What are things like right now?

Glad you're here.

LnL

[earlgrey]

Hi LnL and thanks for listening.

traits of uB/NPD. We have been married 7 years and I have slowly put together the pieces. Biggest issues were depression which was always denied (depression as in straighforward lack of joy towards life incl new husband and Ds 3 (ours) and 12 (hers) at the time.) Depression is less visible now. Other main issue is communication, or lack of. Her approach is I am right you are not only wrong but unimportant.

Progress towards any kind of improvement has always been hampered by her reluctance to see anything wrong in her bevaviour. My comments, feelings and thoughts however well wrapped, or presented are always treated with disdain or ignored.

So our starting point is that she is fine (she has never deviated from that POV) and I am any number of bad things.

I reached the end of my ability to cope under these circumstances, and with my own co-D type behaviours found it very difficult to exit. I worked on me for a year or so, found the force and put our divorce in motion after several attempts in aug 2016.

During the attempts we did try counseling and that lasted 2 sessions. I have been going on and off by myself for several years.

We have been cohabiting since divorce started in August. Large house separate areas, little communication, occasional meals together. She is withdrawn and cold. She stated she did not want a divorce but once I was able to proceed with my divorce wish she did not hinder the process. A kind of victim approach.

EG