New to the site - seeking help and support

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi!

I found this site as I was researching BPD, which it seems my longtime partner suffers from. He will be meeting with a therapist to confirm that BPD is the right diagnosis, but it seems to explain nearly all of the issues he's dealt with throughout his adult life. Discovering what BPD is and realizing he may be suffering with this disorder brought clarity and slight relief to both of us, but the symptoms are still extremely difficult to go through for both of us.

Right now, the hardest things for me are:
1. Managing our finances (he spends compulsively and lies about where money goes).
2. Getting over and trying to cope with the fact that he had an affair for over a year.
3. Figuring out how to balance my support of him (I am committed to him and our relationship, kids, home, etc. and want him to feel that commitment - his life had been full of abandonment), with setting good boundaries.

I have a ton of history with my partner, but I am new to BPD. Trying to understand what's happening through that lens is obviously going to take time, and I'm open to any advice folks have to offer and/or specific guidance on the struggles I mentioned above.

Thanks!

[SunSeaTea]

Hi!

I found this site as I was researching BPD, which it seems my longtime partner suffers from. He will be meeting with a therapist to confirm that BPD is the right diagnosis, but it seems to explain nearly all of the issues he's dealt with throughout his adult life. Discovering what BPD is and realizing he may be suffering with this disorder brought clarity and slight relief to both of us, but the symptoms are still extremely difficult to go through for both of us.

Right now, the hardest things for me are:
1. Managing our finances (he spends compulsively and lies about where money goes).
2. Getting over and trying to cope with the fact that he had an affair for over a year.
3. Figuring out how to balance my support of him (I am committed to him and our relationship, kids, home, etc. and want him to feel that commitment - his life had been full of abandonment), with setting good boundaries.

I have a ton of history with my partner, but I am new to BPD. Trying to understand what's happening through that lens is obviously going to take time, and I'm open to any advice folks have to offer and/or specific guidance on the struggles I mentioned above.

Thanks!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[heartandwhole]

Hi SunSea Tea,



I'm glad you posted—welcome. A relationship with someone with BPD can be very challenging, as you well know, but it can be rewarding as well, because the challenges engender so much learning about ourselves. That self-knowledge can be empowering and help us as much as our partners get through the trials that come with close relationships.

You've found a great place for support. The members here have been (or are) in similar situations, and understand what you are going through. And the site has tons of tools to make things better.

I can imagine your collective sighs of relief at at least having the possibility of something that can explain what you've been going through. Diagnosis or not, the behaviors, and your reactions to them, are issues that can be worked with.

Have you thought about therapy for yourself, individually, SunSea Tea? It can be very helpful, especially after having gone through a bout of infidelity.

How old are your children, and how are they dealing with your the emotional ups and downs?

Keep posting, it really helps. We're here to support you.  

heartandwhole