UPDATE - she is crawling back and I'm finally over her. It can be done

[Confused99]

I never thought I would get here. I never thought I would get to the point where I was the one calling the shots. I always thought she controlled me and I always thought I would never get over her. But it has happened. Long story short seven year relationship, cheating, fighting,  cops called on almost every occasion. We had of one of the rockiest relationships ever. After her affair I took her back and we were back together for a year. Then she cheated again and this time I decided to leave for good.

This wasn't easy. I couldn't sleep I couldn't eat this girl controlled every thought in my mind 24/7.   I lost weight and I almost lost my job because I could barely get out of bed. This girl had destroyed me. And even though she was the biggest piece of crap on the face of the planet I could not let go. I kept putting 1 foot in front of the other.

 I dated a good amount but never really found anyone to even compare to her. I was obsessed. Then I finally met someone else that I started to really fall for. And even though our relationship was incredible it still didn't have the emotion that I did with my BPD ex wife.  But as I soon came to realize there were other ways to get through life and looking for those highs and dealing with her crap.  As I got closer to my new girlfriend I started realizing what a real life in a real relationship is. Fast forward to the past couple weeks. My ex BPD would always say how in love she was with her boyfriends.    And yes it seems to be a cycle of every 3 to 4 months there will be a new one.

 Don't fall for this crap they're always going to be messed up. Now that she started contacting me again I'm hearing all the stories and how these guys are suffering the same fate that I did. So now that she wants me back I don't want her. It's actually an incredible position to Be in.   I can see how bad she is and I can see how I don't want my life in that hell anymore. Anyways just wanted to tell everyone on this board who got me through some pretty dark days that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Keep putting 1 foot in front of the other and it will happen.  And when it does you'll look back and say what the heck was I doing with that monster

[Aussieguy77]

I was so in need of reading a post like yours right now.
I'm still not at that stage of detachment due to the underlying feelings of love for my (come July) ex wife. I'm just trying to keep busy and work on myself and my depression and guilt.

1 foot in front of the other. 1 day at a time. It's all I know at this point but when you're going through hell you've got to keep going. Being stuck here is no life and I've got a 4 year old boy I've got to think about.

[baconeggs]

Thanks for your post, confused99.  It gives me some hope.  After the holidays, I've been missing my BPDex and sometimes just want her back to make my emotional suffering go away; however, this has happened before and when we got back together,  I'm soon thinking "here we go again".  1 foot in front of the other.  Good call.

[talks to angels]

Thanks for sharing this message of hope!

[Pipedreamer25]

I'm so thrilled for you Confused - time for a name change perhaps?    I really hope to get to the place that you're in one day.  I feel like I am getting closer to it but still have a long way to go.  Thanks for sharing your experiences 

[Confused99]

Yes I'm in no means perfect. We recycled at least 4 to 5 times with many one night stands in between. The thing that got me through is thinking if we got back together what would that look like? Would I trust her every time she left the house?  Once trust is gone we all know there's no room for relationship. Going through it myself I know the excruciating pain that they can leave on our lives. But there is hope ahead.  I still have nightmares about her almost every night but my life is so much better now

[GlennT]

  C99-Damn glad to hear this man. I would not wish a BPD'S fake love on my worst enemy.

[Stripey77]

Glenn... .

How funny. That is the EXACT phrase I have used to sum up this mind bending experience to my friends, and earlier tonight, to my parents.  Not the 'fake love' because I don't believe it is fake love. In BPD eyes, the love is very much real at the time.  The words they say are meant. It's just that they can seemingly turn that love on and off in the blink of an eye.

But otherwise, agreed. I wouldn't wish this on anyone either.