First-timer: Husband of Potential BPD/Narcissist

[RavagedHusband]

Hi Everyone. Not sure where to start but reaching out for advice. My wife is undiagnosed BPD. About 2 years ago, she and I visited my counselor together (she came about 3 times). Afterward, he said he wasn't making a diagnosis but thought my wife had BPD and told me to purchase "Stop Walking on Eggshells". I've since read that and am reading another, "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist". Subsequently, I'm reaching out for support/help.

Let me preface everything by saying that I haven't been perfect and certainly have my own issues that I need to sort through. By no means do I believe I'm in my situation solely due to my wife's issues/choices/reactions/etc. I know I'm a mess too, but also need advice on where to go from here.

In short: my wife's entire family is mentally ill. Attempted suicides (not her), escaping into bedrooms for weeks at a time, depression, etc. My wife always showed signs of it (been married for over 16 years) but it hit its height about 3-4 years ago. She was running a successful business, but was growing in stress with every passing day. One day, she said I can't do it anymore and retreated to our bedroom and effectively quit her business. She had employees, outstanding orders, etc. She proceeded to stay in our bedroom for about a year (coming out for the bare essentials). She was homeschooling our children, but had dropped that (I didn't know this) months prior to quitting her business. I had to enroll the kids in school and become a single parent with the other still living with me and depending on me. She grew in anger, violence, fits, rage over that year and the next 2. She was escaping by engrossing herself in an online gaming community (through her phone). She also took a secret trip to TX during that time that she swears wasn't for an affair.

I lost my job as a VP shortly afterward and was out of work for a year. Things went from bad to worse with us... .lost our house, moved in with her mother, etc. Our three kids became my entire world but I was single parenting with a demanding executive position (before I was laid off). Everything from meals/meal planning, taking and often picking up from school, extracurricular activities, clothes shopping and dressing (my youngest), all the cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, homework, etc. It was during this time that I lost all respect for her. Fast forward, things reached the tipping point while staying at her mother's (although she's/we're/my kids are still there). I moved out and in with a family from my church. This has been the most heartbreaking thing for me - to lose full-time access to my kids. The hardest part was that she was utterly crazy but I was the one being punished and removed from my kids! Had it not been for my faith and church family, I wouldn't have chosen to continue; but so thankful I didn't make any stupid decisions!

We're still in the same living situation but I "manage" her intentionally so that I can stay the night with my kids (in the basement). I recently went back to work (earning much less than before) so I've been unable to get a place of my own still. I've spend the last 4 months digging ourselves out of debt and have to continue with attorney fees in regard to unfinished taxes from her business.

Even though we're in a manageable phase right now, I know this is temporary. I struggle to file for divorce because I can't stand the reality that my kid's time will be split with someone who is VERY unstable. I don't want to "take her down" either by fighting a dirty divorce. Any advice would be really appreciated.

Thankful to have found you all!

[purplepelican]

Hey RavagedHusband,

Welcome! I've only been here a short time myself, but can say this is a wonderful community. The advice and conversations had here have helped me tremendously.

My situation is somewhat similar to yours( 2 kids, BPD husband, sole provider).

Is your wife at all willing to attend therapy again? Can you hold open and honest conversationss with her about her mental health?

And most importantly can you ( and your children) continue this way if things do not change? Often times that puts those of us without BPD in the role of  caretaker (which it sounds like you are).

Don't forget to take care of yourself as well.

Purplepelican

[babyducks]

Hi RH,

.   I am glad you found us.   We certainly understand your situation.   If you look around these boards you will find many stories that are very similar to your own.

A couple of thoughts for you to kick around.    Along the right hand side of the screen is a bar, click on any of those points and the links will take you to workshops and threads that very specifically address educating ourselves.   I find the more I understand the better decisions I make.

Stop in on the Legal board, also know as family law, divorce and custody.   Make a post there.   The senior member have tons of experience dealing with complicated issues.

It sounds like you have a pretty good understanding of BPD, the books you mentioned are classics.   We talk about them all the time here.   What I found to be true for me is that my understanding of the illness and my relationship was like peeling an onion.   The more I learned the more layers of the onion I found.   

Keep reading and posting.   Sometimes the act of writing out our thoughts is helpful all by itself.

'ducks

[RavagedHusband]

Thank you for the recommendations and making me aware of the resources. I've been reading through them. I think the legal recommendation is particularly timely - I hesitantly state that we're moving to divorce, so that will be helpful.

I'm looking forward to getting more plugged in. Finding an understanding community to help me make sense of my everyday crazy will be helpful.

[babyducks]

Hi RH,

Divorce is one of those major knee buckling life events, no doubt about it.   You said "hesitantly".    The financial part and the children are huge parts of this I am sure.   How are you doing with your emotions around it all?

'ducks